yah.. exactly what i thought.. the IMing didnt last past the Zach issue... or maybe it was cuz she did read this and she thought i was trying to make her feel bad... why would i do that.. she'd already given a chance supposedly before i wrote that stuff.. if that was really my intentions I probably would have written all the stuff a long time ago.. plus im pretty sure at one i told her i missed her.. and if not then sorry. but it should be assumed that if i was upset over the friendship ending.. then id probably miss her...
if only the friendship could have lasted thru the summer.. cuz.. hah.. well besidse the nervous breakdown on sunday... i deal with this better. well not even besides that... cuz that couldnt be helped... i have been dealing with things the best i can. that day i just had too much. but this blow out with my roommate.. ive been mature the whole time, i mean.. we're managing to still live in a room together...
so... obviously now i could have put up the stuff i did with the friendship.. i coudl have dealt with things differetnly. hell i remember back when we fough ti felt the town of monmouth wasnt big enough for the both of us..
idk.. i guess i dont really need to write much anymore... bottom line, I fucked up. Yes, I miss the friendship like crazy, but I fucked up... even though I feel worse shit has happened in the past.. that was my choice to continue the friendship... so now this time it's her choice.. and she chose not too... and I must deal. So yah bottom line.. this blows.. but hey, I gotta move on...
Gotta move on... and then maybe.. in 5 years or so i can look back on the friendsihp and smile.. cuz like tonight... sighs.. i was in Carlyes room.. and she was going thru like.. ALL of her CDs looking for the Outkast- Ms. Jackson song for me... and i heard some other songs.. A LOT of songs actually that reminded me of Kristy.. cuz I was friends with her when that song came out so Calrye was checking a lot of her CDs from around 00-02... and.. I smiled.. but at the same time i just wanted to breakdown and cry.. cuz almost every song I thoguht of a memory with Kristy.. and smiled.. but thatwanted to cry.. cuz why the fuck did it have to end.
why do i have the option to be friends with teh people i dont want, but the people who truly meant something to me, who truly touched my heart... have to leave.. like.. idk.. the fuckin songs just killed me.. like.. cuz.. the first time Kristy and I talked.. was actually over a song.. In drivers ed... she walked in... and was singing Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm...(Heard that tonight) and I asked her what song she was singing and she told me and we had a little discussion.. the next day was my bday and she brought in cupcakes for me and the calss...
well this has nothing to do with brit but.. oh well. hah i dont really feel like switchin into my other journal.. if she reads this she gets a real journal entry about other shit then... but yah i heard smooth criminal.. Another Perfect Day... which has a horrible memory.. cuz I remember reading her livejournal one night... and she had that song on there... and she said if she ever committed suicide.. it'd be to that song.. and to this day i sitll think abou thtat when i hear that song...
and nickelback.. how you remind me.. when Amy, Carla, Ian, Kristy and I all went tubing with my dad and he blasted that song and we all sang it
wow.. hah.. theres a list of my past too:-( Carla and I dont talk anymore.. not relaly a huge loss i guess... Ian.. hah.. :'(:'(:'( love thinking of him since a year ago now we were supposed to be in Florida at Disneyland together.. and Amy well.. she was nice enough to remind me why the friendship didnt last last night...
she IMed me.. all I said was Hey. and she said whats wrong.. cuz i dont usually use punctuaction unless im upset.. and i really missed her when she said that.. so i started typing to her and all the sudden Jamie got on and started taling to me and then they went out.. and i remembered.. even tho Amy knows me better than probably i know me.. she never was good at actually listening.. always knew when i needed someone... but never really couldbe that person.. idk... i just
i guess recently i realized that right now Im just completely alone.. i have some fun friends.. but.. idk.. last night i had another "episode"... and i realized.. i had no one... i sat there at my copm with aim.. and had my cell in my hand.. and i didnt feel comfortable IMing or calling anyone..... i hope brit doesnt read this naymore.. hah.. she'll prob think im tying to make her feel bad, but im not.. cuz i realized.. i did it to myself.. .
over the summer when i was unstable as fuck.. i just.. screwed myself over.. all i have are the fun friends.. and i lost my true friends... nad now that im turning around.. i've realized that... but i dont even mean just this summer... all along.. i've been fighting for and against teh same thing.. I've always wanted a BEST friend... but i think once i found it.. i was afraid.. so i took it away also...
I did it to Kristy.. Amy.. Brit.. Ashley... Em.. well granted some people I listed have changed also to make me not wanna be firends.. but mostly... i did the change too.. like Em... and Brit.. HATED that I smoked pot.. well now i have asthma probably so i cant anymore.. but i sacrificed those friendships.. for one iwth Amanda.. who now i will prob lose cuz ALL we did was smoke together.. yet i lost 2 amazing friends just to have fun with one other person.. like wtf..
and now im seeing this.. and im trying here and there to patch things up with some people.. but its too late... which sucks cuz there aren't a lot of genuine peopel around anymore.. and i've already come across a few.. and managed to lose them.. but im hoping if i can once again become that person... i'll find more people.. or maybe my old friends will see i've changed and maybe give me another chance.. idk.. it just hard.. cuz irght now.. i live for 2 things.. well two things i actualyl ahve.. Jakob.. my baby cousin.. whenever I'm with him.. im truly happy.. i couldnt be any happier.. all my problems go away...
the other thing i live for.. which is ridiculous.. cuz i live for somethign thats not living.. is Timmy.. I.. kinda feel like I owe him this.. mostly cuz of the talk we had at my graduation party.. a real heart to heart... and.. idk.. he's just always on my mind.. when i have problems i think about what he told me.. or remember.. hes always with me and protecting me... idk its weird.. i just.. idk he's always on my mind though.. always...
and of course i live for other things.. well i live for the chance of other things.. like the chance at getting some friendships back.. or new ones.. but i know.. that Timmy wants me happy and to LIVE LIFE.... cuz like his life proves.. it can really takes some turns and destroy your plans.. he was only 39... i dont want mine done @ 20... or
hell i probably wouldnt care if i died tomorrow... as long as i konw i lived the best day ever... everyday over.. always making the right decisions, no regrets.. and now that i have my "adult stable mind"... i feel i can do this.. and when i have those hard times.. i'll look for Timmy and his signs that he's with me...
alright yah.. this isnt for this so i better stop..
and i gotta go meet someone at the door... but.. yah.. moving on.. growing up.. change.. its gotta happen now...:-\ oh yah.. i found the fuckin iron on print last night.. the pic with brit and i and the saying.. in my journal.. yah.. that really didnt help my episode at all... ha.. AT all.. which is why i gotta just stop wishing an dmove on cuz it just hurts more...