Which will forever keep you in my heart... in a 2hr 45 min trip thats... what...40ish songs I probably hear.. A good third of those songs.. were songs that make me think of her. But then again about half made me think of someone else I was missing so:-\.. it just weird cuz its not always like new songs.. its like older weird songs.. Mad World, Gary Jules.. barely ever plays on the radio. and tonight... I woke up from my nap just a little whlie ago cuz I was having a coughing fit, and I was thinking about how she had a game topnight...
and Feel Good Inc just kinda popped in my head cuz i was trying to get launchcast playing again and i seriously thought to myself, hah that'd be funny if.. since Im thinking about her game tonight it played feel good inc... swear to fuckin god the first song that played was that... like right after I said it and i hit play.. and this is like.. a huge radio station that just plays alternative rock.. ANYTHIGN could of played.. idk if Ive even ever heard that song. See.. and weird ... signs like that that make me not wanna walk away.
well besides that I still care also.. i feel like someone is trying to tell me to keep trying and keep pushing.. cuz i know i hurt her and i should be able to take punishment back but... come on.. when do i get to do things for me. When do I get to say, Ive had enough of these games Im walking away.. instead of.. well.. I NEED to prove myself i need to keep trying and pushing. Well, Im making a decision for me now.. finally... even though I feel like I would be hapier if i kept pushing her... I need to live for me.
Its not healthy to live my life for other people.. it's not healthy that i'd do anything in my power for her, especially with how shes treating me.. its just.. not healthy for me. or for anyone to sacrifice their dreams at the shot of helping someone else... well unless those are your dreams.. which... i had to chang cuz.. i could never get her to her dreams.. i could pick her up when she fell down, but no one can help anything actaully capture your dreams.. its all upto you. which is why my dream to help other people is kind of a lost cause..
well to the extent that I wanted to help people it was.

sighs.. i bet if i imed her tonight about her game shed bitch me out hardcore... for the way i treated her on... friday i think it was.. but she was out of line.. saying she laughs hystercially at..well my problems, my ideas... thats pretty harsh. i was thinking about that... she said another try and that we should have occasional IMing.. so by me saying dont IM me.. I kinda fucked that up. but i dont want another chance until thigns are cleared up. or until she says things are cleared up. cuz she's not communicating to me at all. so...
well i better go study... cuz i got 2 exams tomorrow.. then.. IM OUTTA HERE!! YEEEE HAAA!