alright sooo.. i said i'd update this all pretty with pictures.. so i will.. and this probably should really go in my other journal.. cuz it involves a lot more than the person this was created for.... eh.. oh well i've already started it so i guess i'll use this one... ok.. so we'll start off with the "2 best friends"
So um... yah.. um.. no.. They are pretty much just around now for looks... my parents are freaking out cuz they think that me and these two are just.. meant to be friends forever but.. they've changed.. i mean sometimes i still like hanging otu wtih them... but when all 3 of us are together.. im completely left out cuz i have NO idea what they are talking about.. and.. Em has the idea that Im just a stoner drop out or something.. and Ash.. i just.. i think im her pity friend.. and im sick of it.. i mean... i will obviously still hang out with them but.. it'll never be the same again... we've grown up and apart.. and whatever it happens.. i can let go of them.. only mostly because of who they've become.. they are very cruel people now.. they just make fun of people 24/7.. and i mean 24/7.. about things that they cant help.. and that is NOT fuckin cool... thats one of my biggest pet peeves.. i mean like yah.. people make fun of others its more a way of life these days.. but.. when you make fun of someone whos like.. messed up cuz they're mom did drugs while they were pregnant.. thats fuckin bull. i mean.. i know my other friends make fun of people.. sometimes about thigns like that.. but they usually know how i feel and watch that shit around me... they dont.. and i think their guys friends are assholes.. everyone else thinks they are really funny... i think they are the worst people i've ever met. well i like neil some.. but we party together :P
If they were the two girls i became friends with my senior year.. this would tear me apart.. but we aren't at all.. so it makes it almost easier on me..
ok picture 2... Amanda... hah... its weird.. cuz my whole life.. all i've wanted is to have a best friend.. like the real best friend.. that you can talk to.. and have fun with.. and you just get along so well.. and you are both eachothers best friends... and i could almost have this with amanda.. for once i found someone who is willing to do almost anything for me........ as long as i devote my life back.. ha... shes very... possessive.. almost.. and idk.. it could work.. butiwth too much effort on my part.. we are more party friends too.. and im her fuckin dogs chew toy...
shawn... hah... yah.. no.. stole my money.. and is like.. gonna get arrested.. well im not going down with him. hes just trouble.
picture #4... well as i've shown above.. well prob not.. but im in quite the transition with friends.. i hang ot with a lot of different people now.. and the friendships that i thought were solid arent.. and the ones i wanted to last.. i want to end now.. this pic relates because... hm.. how do i explain.. ha.. i have perhaps a strong connection.. ah.. um. i guess im just insane.. i talk to my dead uncle.. crazy.. but.. without him.. in the spirit world anyways...
i probably would have followed in his footsteps... cuz.. its weird.. there are lots of signs that he's here with me.. and without those showing up.. i probably would have given up a LONG time ago.. so in the transition of the friendships above.. plus the one that this journal has to do with thati will write about in a few. but... he really helps keep me strong..
ok.. i need to move onto her cuz.. i am scaring the shit out of myself discussing something else.. and.. ok so..
Yah.. um.. I miss her, insanely. and the friendship. cuz she was one of my closest friends ever.. like EVER.. like. we told eachother a lot.. and we had a fuckin blast together.. and ya we had our fights.. but who doesnt..and the thing that i loved.. that got kinda destroyed iwth the zach thing.. but that we could make it through anything.. which we are talking some again so maybe we can get back up to that point again.. or maybe we can get even closer. we were on such a good path..
im gonna make a statement and i bet even wheni read this later on in life im gonna think wrote it cuz this journal is about this friendship... but.. out of.. emily, ashley, shawn, amanda.. well any of the friendships this summer.. annie, ben.. BEN! haha.
it'd choose brit.
cuz when i think of the happy times.. and like spontaneous times.. well i have fun with amanda.. but all we did was smoke.. and thats not cool.. so that doesnt count as a happy time if i had to take a drug.. shawn.. eh.. is shawn.. emily and ashley.. sometimes make me want to punch them in the face.. tom.. ick.. if i give birth to his child.. er. um anwyas so yah. liek honestly. the only rough thing about our friendship was the other people... i got so tired of having to explain myself to people.. cuz im 20 and shes 15.. SO FUCKIN WHAT
damn we had a fuckin blast. Everything with her was really real. I think thats why it was fun. and it was always changing. and always new things. we always had something to talk about, whether personal or not. always something to do whether it was something new or the same old thing. She had games i could go to, she came over swimming at my house. and the more we worked through, the more i cared about her.. cuz llike.. the more we worked through obviously it showed how much we cared about the friendship. that made her like.. not only a bigger part of my life.. but almost a bigger part of me...
which is what sucks right now.. like i dont think she ever knew how much she really meant to me.. cuz.. after the hwole journal incident in june.. i just didnt really like telling her cuz i felt bad. if she liked me in a different way and i was calling her little sis.
um.. ill finish this in a like.. a ibt.. not that i would know.. but perhaps when i read this.. i will remember this moment.. cuz it could change my life.. forever.. be back in what.. 3-5minutes.. ha.. me and maybe another.. hah..
anyways yah. when i thought about what made this summer awesome and realized it was a lot to do with her. Cuz it wasn't just her.. it was also all the things she represented... so.. idk.. it just sucks.. like ive said in like every journall entry this fuckin blows.. like.. if i wasnt a dumbass (well and some other people are dumb too) then at the end of the bball game last week i could have tlaked to her, prob given her a ride home if she wanted, i prob would have gone up to see her before her game or offered to take her up when she needed to go up.. but instead.. i watched like.. from behind the bleachers.. in fear that i shouldnt even have been there.. like i didnt deserve to be there.. or if she didnt wanna see me.. thatd be hard cuz i was there adn she couldnt leave, she had a game to play.. idk.. i just.. i really hope she'll come around fast and we can get how we were and even better!! i think that we click with eachother, which i didnt have with a lot of other friendships, we never had to really put effort into that friendship.. like we did.. but it just flowed anyways.. never had boring times together... it just.. was almost perfect. actually it was.. cuz we got in fights which made it perfectly almost perfect.. haha. I've had one other friend liek this... and we dont really talk anymore.. but.. she was and still is a huge part of my life.. shes part of me.. but i never got as close with her as brit.. cuz idk.. everything fell into place with my little kiddo ;) hah. alright.. now like i mentioned. im depressed.. cuz all those wonderful points i made above.. now i just remembered i have the exact opposite.. i have the oppurtunity at all the friendships i said i'd give up.. and im at the bottom of the ladder for the friendship i live for. smoooooottthhhh. its ok tho.. cuz if things dont work out... er.. ya depressing.. im done with this.. cuz ive suceeded in hating myself a lot again.. a lot. cuz when i finally found what i wanted.. well idk if i was really her best friend.. maybe for a little whlie.. but.. maybe not even.. idk prob not.. but.. i mean she trusted me and valued our friendship.. so it was pretty much the friendship i'd waited for my whole life.. and i fucked it up. fucked it up big time.. cuz *play corny music* Im a fucking ass who always learns the hard way...
and now.. picture number 5.. the asshole!! oh yah.. and the best part.. that bruise on my hand.. from the frame in the living room when i asked her if she was hungry.. cuz i made her a nice meal.. and was drunk.. so she left.. iimmm ssssoooo gggllllaaaddddddd im not a fuckin idiot like that.. well anymore.. hah. cuz i did that.. hah oh well.. like i said i gotta learn the hard way.. i just wish i didnt bring others down with me.. alright.. well... bed time..
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