lacking sleep.. brain overload..

I feel like such an ass... that whole little... well whatever you wanna call it sent me into another episode this afternoon.. I just slept all day.. I was supposed to go out but... i couldnt.. why the fuck can't we just fix things? Clear everything up.. cuz look.. the longer her and I have waited the worse it gets. I really didnt think any of her profile stuff was about me. cuz i know she doesnt really think about our friendship at all anymore... she's moved on...  i was preparing tho. and if it WAS written about me I was trying to see what I coudl have done.. cuz if we ever DO talk i wanna be able to piece things together, Im just staying prepared.. I dont fuckin sit around and rack my brain about her away messages, I look at them and say, well this coudl ahve been this... but probably not. This fuckin journal isnt to inform her of my every fuckin though and move with her... it just what i feel like putting down.. so when she puts up certain away messages i will be like, well it coudl be this. And at times, yah i thought some where.. but very few.. the main one i thought was the him being a liar and her right, i questioned if the her was me, but she told me it was really zachs gf...k cool. i shoudl have known then she was reading this thing. whatever though, this wasnt supposed to be something she could attack me about, hell this isnt even for her. It's for me. that way all these thoughts are down and not runnign through my head. But yah.. i feel like an ass.. Cuz I really went off on her today.. but she doesnt get it. we are at 2 completely different places on this. I write in here, cuz her and I have an unresolved issue... and unlike her... I can't just toss shit aside and not deal... so i write in here... so they until we can talk, I can get my emotions out.. but... i guess i didnt mean as much to her as i originally thought cuz she doesnt seem to care at all to try to fix things... NOT the friendship.. but just clear things up.. cuz even if we wanted another try at the friendship.. it WONT work til we clear all this up.. cuz we could have a good thign going again and then BAM we get just a little mad and we'll drag up all this unresolved stuff... i know this cuz I've been there many times, and I;ve seen it happen to many other people. i know what im talking about. and as it's been show.. the longer we put it off... the worse it gets.. thats why WAY back in october when i tried to give her a ride home from soccer.. well that why i wanted too..her and I NEED to talk.. we dont need to explain anything... but if she has questions for me or if i have questions for her we ask them.. we could say how we feel about eachother and what we wanna do.. thats it... just anything that needs to be said is said.. cuz obviously what we are doing isn't gonna work. The reason that I write what her away messages could be about me, if they are.... is because it seems like everyday she feels differently about me. One day, it seems like the old days when we talk, the next she IMs me and I have to carry the convo.. and so on and so on.. so i never know when she IMs me what shes gonan be like.. which is why if we got all this shit out in the open, I could what can and cant be said. Like I wanted to bring up to her a long time ago Zachs myspace... aboout it saying "not sure" but i didnt know if shed be pissed at me pointed that out and be like, see you start shit about people.. since i suposedly told hte whole world she was a lesbian.... i thought discussing someone elses sexuallity might piss her off.. so i never brought it up... shit like that wouldnt happen if her and i coudl just get shit out.. even in emails... i know she doesnt wanna see me.. so what. her and i wouldnt have to do it in person... we can send eachother emails.. and then we have proof of what eachother said.. so if shit does backfire we can go back to the day we finally dealt with this. cuz also... the longer this shit goes on.. the less I wanna be there for her... cuz yah  i know i hurt her... but jesus fuckin christ... who the fuck IMs someone and tells them they laugh hysterically at their journal.. especially when she knows how important my journla is to me.. like come on... i just cant tell if its the age or if its really her.. i wanna keep blaming this on age.. but.. idk... or even if it is her.. is she really done with me or just the normal pushing away she always does.. cuz id get it if she was done with me.. i guess.. i can kinda see hwo she can justify ending the friendship.. but hten again i cant... i think her and i are even now.. i think we coudl start off with a clean slate.. cuz supposedly i've done all the horrible shit to her.. well im holding back on all teh shit she's done to me.. im trying to leave everything in the past, but hell I'll dig shit up from way back when i first met her if she wants..
i found my birthday card... she gave me this past year... oh great here come the tears... how in the note.. it said she'd always need me.. not matter what she said... well there should have been a footnote about what happens if i pissed her off.. does that still apply.. cuz honestly.. besides the fact that I'll always care abotu her.. thats why ive been putting up with this shit... cuz i dont know if thats true.. cuz she plays it off well that she doesnt need me.. so i could just walk away... and be everyone else... but i dont want to prove to her that i am just like everyone else.. i wanna be there thru everything.. prove to her that she couldnt get rid of me even if she tried.. which is why i guess this is kinda the right decision.. leaving it upto her.. the only problem.. is that ok.. lets make up a situation.. lets say.. she does still care.. and she does still wanna be friends.. but she;s afraid to trust me again.. completely understandable.. she... is hurt and although she loves the friendship, does she really wanna put up with all that again.. so instead of letting it all pass by... she will.. keep IMing me like she did today.. to "keep me hooked" but still keep me distant.. well, it backfired, cuz im done iwth trying, NOT caring... trying. ive done what i can to prove myself, i cant do anything until she responds.... im just worried she will clump caring and trying together.. cuz you can care about someone and not show it... like im hoping she still cares and is doing a damn fine job not showing it.. but.. im thinking she really... idk.. eh i cant do this anymore.. its 1am i work tomorrow and then i have a graduation party.. and im crying and could probably use my inhaler.... ya see thats what makes me think she doesnt care... not that she'd know my state.. but.. who tells anyone that they laugh HYSTERICALLY at someone elses emotions.. either she really doesnt care anymore... or shes REALLY pushing away hard.. which is funny that she pushes this hard and im not pushing back...
If your reading this Brit.. you can get rid of me all you want, and you can push and push and push... but you'll always be in my mind and my heart... so. With that said. once again.. if you wanna clear shit up.. I mean think about it.. you can bitch at me.. it doesnt need to be nice.. you can send me an email that says you wanan vomit when you think of me. that if you ever see me again youll have to hold back from punching me in the face. You can tell me whatever you want AS LONG AS... 1. You tell me things relevant to right now.. dont drag up past problems, cuz Im trying not too. and 2..the most important... That your completely honest. Im putting my emotions out there for you to read in here... if you tell me you still really care and it hurts you that it has to be like this.. and that your scared to talk to me again.. im NOT gonna use it against you.. Im not gonna try to get you back to being my friend.. I dont think you've understood that all along... all I've EVER wanted from you is to be happy. Which is why Im leaving it upto you. Which is why I wont try to get you ot of my mind just in case you come back.. but Im not gonna keep putting in effort if your gonna keep shutting me down.. ESPECIALLY when I am the way I am right now... it's all upto you. and since all i want is for you to be happy.. all i can do is put myself on the back burner and wait for you to decide... and if you never do.. and try to keep playing games... this isnt a threat or anything, just a statement.. you'll regret it.. cuz if you do still care and dont know waht to do and keep upsetting me.. I will turn into everyone else, and you WONT be able to blame me, cuz i think i've tried... and that fact that all along.. wait. dont bring in the past. so yah, from this point on.. its upto you Brit. and if you feel theres nothing to clear up, then Email that to me. Tell me theres nothing to say.. and you need time to think, whatever, but communicate something to me. but... whatever im done with writing, i cant do this to myself anymore. and i gotta try to get some sleep... at least she got me to sleep this afternoon.... but then again im up right now cuz my mind wont stop. and this whole, read my journal and never respond thing kinda pisses me off.. cuz as i was told today, you do read this, why dont you ever say anything back... well let me rephrase that.. why dont you ever say anything back useful. Instead of hurting me by laughing at me.. why dont you comment on there and say, hey dont assume, and I've been busy. Sorry. instead of waiting and ripping me in two with the IM you sent today...


P.S. I have fuckin grown up, and if you talked to me and actually gave me the chance you said you were growing to you'd find that out... I've learned from what happened with you and I and from other things in my life. and until you know what I've gone through, dont fuckin judge my level of maturity, cuz it looks like to me you should be worrying about your own level and how YOU deal with shit. You dont like what I write in here, dont read it. and if you do and you have somethign to say about this, Dont IM me cuz 1, your lucky i got that one today cuz the only reason i came over was cuz my mom was got home and was coming to the comp.. and 2.. thats what the comment button is for.. or Email me.. cuz now Im home and on my moms comp and you know how mothers are..