so yah.. anyways.. what i was gonna write about like.. a fuckin hour ago was the whole me coming home... its easy to leave someone alone when your a whole state away... but.. when im back for good.. i really am wondering how that will go..

not like painfulness wise.. but like... im a fuckin dumb ass... and im kind of afraid... that i may just completely forget some day. like if she comes into rite aid one of the rare days im working... what if i just like break out into convo and hug her or something?!? hopefully she'll punch me..
but thats usually why when friendships end i pretend the people are dead.. otherwise i still see us where we last left off... so then i'd probably run upto her and punch or pinch her which would be even worse!... but im honestly afraid.. if im having one of those days.
also i found it interesting... which i think i already wrote about this.. see this is what happens if i dont wrtie about it RIGHT when i think of it.. cuz i dont remember if i wrote about it.. cuz usually if i wrote about it.. then i dot think about it as much.. but.. i find it interesting how she said that she wants to give me another chance and that we can have occasional IMing... well thats pretty much what happens right now.. with her random IMs to me... and i dont think ill ever im her cuz occasional... isnt a specific word.. and ill probably never ask about anything in her personal life.. probably just school and bball.. if she wants to IM me about her personal life yah ill listen and if she wants advice ill try to help, but....
i gotta watch myself. cuz i really still hate myself over this whoel thing.. like... idk, but she doesnt trust me, understandable.. but... no this time wont be like those times.. cuz since mid summer... a lot of shit has happened that has really helped me jump into adulthood. which i've told her before that i learned probably but.. shit got bigger than her this time... and i either had to grow the fuck up or i wouldnt have survived... pretty much... which is why i was cool with her hating me.. well... hah.. not really
the part that pissed me off most is she seemed to hate me cuz i lied to her... yet... i didnt.. so thats what upset me the most.. if she wants to hate me for me.. thats fine.. but when its lies.. that upsets me.. a lot.. and i more than the friendship (since i thought that would never come back) i wanted her to realize i said the truth... and even if she still hates me cool.. but not for that..
but.. yah i was pretty psyched when she said shed give me another chance.. which yes she could change her mind at anytime.. but .. like i said before.. well in my eyes we've been through much worse... or about the same.. but we got through it.. and idk.. i almost think after each fight like this.. we come back as even better friends.. like.. idk what ehr thoughts are.. but i had a fuckin blast this summer with her.
whether i was just watching her play softball or whether we were actually hanging out. even the "awkward" moments were worth it. cuz hell i think that whole situation.. idk i think that was a lot worse than this.. but.. idk.. cuz that like.. could have really caused like REAL problems.. liek police and such.. but.. idk.. then again being hurt by a friend is painful and i get she doesnt want to go through it again... but at least.. for the time being it looks like i get a chance to show i've grown up... but then again.. she pretty much saw me falling this summer so.. i mean.. i was on numerous drugs.. i was drunk for her meal i made her.. that was fuckin ridiculous... like.. idk so she saw how i was.. and so hopefully she realizes that i DID have to turn around..
which... idk if this is fair to say cuz i know shes a smart girl.. but.. with age.. does come experience.. no matter what.. age brings a different kind of experience and maturity.. which maybe i fell behind:-P which is why i had to mature in like 2 months! but.. thats why somtimes i get frustrated cuz even though i dont care about age at all.. i know it does have a small factor in our interactions with one another.
like at the bball game.. I really was gonna grab her real quick when she came out of the locker and say, "hey nice game". but not in a wayof like ME to HER... but like... just as a general fan to a player.. cuz she did have a good game.. and maybe she would have seen it as a harmless action with true intentions.. or maybe.. with ehr age.. she would have seen it as a game... as me trying to fuck with her head.. cuz i probably would have back then. I know how girls play mind games.. but im done with those.. but.. i didnt say anything cuz i didnt want her to take it the wrong way... even though i wish i did.. cuz i pretty much went to see how she's doing.. cuz we had a convo that day.. which.. im wondering if that was her weird way of asking me to go to her game.. even if i didnt bring it up, she asked if i was home.. then put up an away message about her game and the time..
which im probably COMPLETELY wrong.. but.. if it was .. it worked. cuz i went to see her play. cuz she said she sucked when we played together over the summer.. i didnt think she did.. i mean, jeez she kept up with a high school game, like yah she wasnt like stuffin girls and slam dunkin.. but no one was that impressive out there.. but im sure she remembers my reaction when i found out she was a 7th grader... so im not sucking up to her now.. like if she remembers.. and if i remember correctly.. when i found out.. my chin pretty much hit the floor.. and i remember saying to annie, "holy shit shes gonna be awesome in high school. im glad ill be gone!" in the way of, i dont wanan get schooled by a freshman!]
so i wanted to see how she does, and i thought she played very well. she knows the sport so well, and she's an athelte.. an all star in my book:-P well carlyes in ehre.. but i thnk that was about it anwyays..
well i gotta write in my other journal also.. so i better give my hands a break and chill with Carlye Warlye.. only 14 more days left here!:-D