All I can really say is one thing... new year, new beginning...



and no, I dont mean a new beginning in terms of a friendship... I just mean... a new beginning.. and i dont necessarily mean a new beginning for me... as maybe for others.... now.. all that is left to say... is that where there's a new beginning... some...thing/one... has gotta end.

P.S. If you do read this, this is just a general entry..

Always so angry... :-\ Hopefully Im not one of them this time.. dont know how i could be, i havent spoken to you in a while, or about you so...:-) I should be home free:-)

Im hoping that soon.. I will be able to go to a bball game.... I feel bad going if she says shes not ready to see me.. idk if that LITERALLY means SEE me.. or like hang out with me.. whatever tho.. Ill stay clear of her for a while. Er, Im so pissed about the present thing tho.. I can either wait for that stores next shipment or order it online or something
i have to talk to the store beofre I do that tho cuz i paid for it
argh.. well i gotta clean so my mom dfoesnt like.. burn my room down tomorrow!! :-P And i hope that game went well, ill look it up in the paper tomorrow.... as I do after every game.. so how many points there were... who got them... etc... :-\ so yah back to cleaning
oh yah.. i saw Mike yesterday.. and I was VERY nice to him.. I asked him about hockey... I noticed he got his license and said congrats.. um.. i gave him my discount.. i think he was surprised cuz usually i stare him down but... no point anymore.. im not saving her from her.. at all, ill never try any of that shit again, haha

So I found some INSANE songs... that relate to one of my exes:-( and i cant stop listening to them.. they are good songs anyways.. but... er.

So i def screwed up with the present.. umm.. yah.. holding things at stores is NOT such a good idea.. cuz they have little rules, that if you dont follow... you dont get yoru present.. and um... i didnt follow about 3 so i was completely screwed.. so uh... I gotta go someplace else and get it.. and idk when, i work everyday and pretty much have plans every night.. and i work early then have plans late.. i will have to cancel some.. or something, so i can get the present.
i cant believe i fucked that up.. maybe its a sign... hah.. or maybe.. ya.. im just an idiot..

....to go get the present.. or not go get it.... I dont want it to be taken as a way to get the friendship back.. but I dont want to be completely blown off either... idk... I dont mind spending the money to make her happy... but.. i just kinda wish i could know what i did that was so bad she doesnt even wanna see me... and i kinda wish i had known that before I went to her house in October... hah. Well... I'll have to decide ASAP if thats what I wanna do... sighs..
I just wish things coudl get cleared up....
thatd make one less problem... especially when this problem coudl be solved easily... i could just do as others say... and walk away.. and NOT look back... but... they dont get it... at all... I am JUST getting it.. hell.. IDK if Brit even understands everything... thats why clearing up would be nice.. hah.. if i could say some things.
well not some things.. i kno wi can say some.. but certain things may never be spoken. Well perhaps if the friendship rebuilds.. and we dont clear thigns up.. that'd be better.
who knows... im just lost... hah.

OMG... so idk if I should use this as a Zach journal also.. but.. er. I need to write about this... so... Friday night.. I worked.. well like all fuckin Friday... I went in 10-1220.. then babysat jakob til 340... even tho i was supposed to be back 10min beofre that! then stayed at Rite Ais til 7... and around like... 630ish or maybe a little before Zach and that girl thats supposedly not dating him anymore comes in... now Im pretty sure this was a semi-intentional act..
cuz.. it was in my away message i was working.. and he bought like.. body wash or something really lame.. and the whole time he was in there it kept looking at me.. and so didthe little creature.
soo unfortunately i tried to get away and ended up right up front behind the registers... when Zach and the creature checked out.. cuz shane was asking me something.. now i guess chels made a joke and so they were laughing at her.. which just bugged me anyway AND i wanted to tell that boy to get a fuckin haircut.
but.. so they were talking for a bit, adn i went to walk away, like.. out by the entrance and they were fuckin leaving so i waited and let them walk in front of me and just kept my head down.. and lil amanda(shes awesoem:-)) was like.. in the main aisle watching me.. so they walk by and start walking out....
in the foyer.. the fucking little creature giggles turns to zach and says, boy that was awkward.. turns back and looks... at me... and then giggles at zach again.. so... hah.. do to my lovely state... i fuckin turn towards the door and just stare her down.. and ah.. hah. poor lil amanda runs over, MEGAN MEGAN, DUDE 5 IS CCCAAALLLLIIINNGGG OUR NAMES... and gummy bears, etc.. other stuff to get me to come back. hah.
it was mighty scary cuz... i dont usually care what happens to me.. usually i only get in that zone when people threaten my friends... but.. i think.. that zach just... idk he caused so many problems with me and other people... and he caused me so much confusion with stuff.. and hes so fuckin good at irritating people with little things.. like, just cutting people off at their knees.. that.. idk if i could ever see him again and not want to slap him..
he embodies just like.. all my pet peeves... so its pretty easy to hate him and want to punch him in the face!... but... idk its just sad how much things change.. just how friggin fast time goes by:-\... especially when things have changed... and people changed too..

It's not that Im completely dumb about the stuff I write in here.. when I write it for the first time and I make it sound like I JUST figured somethign out... all along Ive really known certain things... but completely denied them.. true meanings, true thoughts, true intentions.. but I've denied them all along.. and they bit me in the ass... but would the orignal truth have been more of a disaster?

well perhaps the more little IMs we have the more I'll realize she doesnt need me. and... if the friendship isnt gonna happen again.. ig uess that;d make it easier... her other friends probalby helped her more than i did.. andi prob dont wanna know why she doesnt talk to them anymore:-\.. and maybe the xmas present is a really bad idea.. i hope she doesnt thank me for it, or say anything about it...
i just shouldnt have said anything cu znow hse prob feel obligated to make a comment... but, er, im dumb sometimes. I get so blind with happiness... (well.. not HAPPINESS that other people think of...) that i just do things

Message to TLB
I wish I could talk to you again Timmy... All I want is to see your face and hear your laugh... I'd give ANYTHING... for that... anything... which is what really scares me sometimes... cuz somedays I erally think it'd be worth it to give EVERYTHING to be with you again... since recently I've felt there's no one here
for me... No one I'm cool with right now... means as much as you too me... hopefully the day never comes when i make the decision to be with you instead... I think the main reason I wont... is cuz what if i really dont get to see you again... even then... Miss you.. and love you... Keep sending me signs to keep me strong..

I know this journal isnt for this purpose.. but i deleted the aimjournal thing off my other sn and i havent set up my sn that was meant for my other journal yet.. so i will have to do this in here... so... well... i guess i dont even really have to type much... except... I miss Timmy..... a lot... and... Im really confused about what happened after he died with Kel.... and.... im pretty sure she wants nothing to do with me...... cuz my mom told me this morning the legal war is over.... so... and it has been for a whle.. its been over since before i emailed her.. .so i think her lawyer lied.. she obviously just doesnt care anymore... which really hurts bad since ive spent the past 22months with an aching heart waiting to get my aunt back.... and now... i realize its not gonna happen... yah.. happy fuckin holidays..

its hard to let go of the longest friendship.. and deepest friendship ever.... very very hard...

hah... Im being bad.. but oh well... she wished me a merry christmas... and i wished her one back.. and we talked... and it was nice... and... shes getting a present from me... hah...
idk how.. cuz she doesnt wanna see me.. maybe i will wait til shes back in school... so i can just leave it there.. or maybe i will jsut mention i picked her up a lil something..

OMG... and another thing, seriously.. and people ownder why I think songs are signs.. so I was making a present for my brother and one of the pics I used was from my bday party... which happened to be the same day that some of the whole journal/crush thing was happening.. and i remembered.. and kinda just, thought of her or whatever... so like... no joke, MINUTES later i hear a song on the tv.. idk what it was about, i wasnt watching it. All I know is that the TV was on FX and my mom was watching Romancing the Stone, so i know it wasnt that movie.. but it was that horrible song she had blasting out of her sisters bedroom one day when we were on the trampoline.. the "I hurt myself today.." or cut myself today.. idk that guy and he doesnt really sing... he just like talks.. and its... depressin.. well it started playing... and i fucked up a picture... haha
and my mom happened to walk by and kinda looked at me, and i just said it was from the dog bites.. cuz my arm isnt working well.. hah. but.. wtf ya know.. and i thought it was funny that out of all the songs.. it plays one that she thought was funny to play around me since I didnt like it.. It's weird.. when things go wrong with friendships.. sometimes the annoying times.. in memories become the happy ones.. like well not annoying.. but it upset me that she had such a scary song on a cd.. and she jsut thought it was funny to listen to it around me.. and then.. it did kinda erk me.. cuz it upset me.. and now when i look back on it.. i kinda chuckle.. cuz.. idk she was always a goofball. and always pushing my buttons... but she always knew how to push them.. cuz i never actually got mad at her....
anyways.. i gotta go clean before the family gets here.. err.. I really hate the holidays... well I've only hated them for the past 2... and what a coincidence... hah. I was actually thinking about leaving Kel... a card in her mailbox... not signing it... so theres no proof its from me.. but putting a pic of me and matt.. and maybe one with erin also in it.. and labeling the back... but.. idk.. i dont wanna think about it... im already bummed enough, hah. and sore, WHO HONESTLY LETS THEIR FUCKIN DOG JUST NAW ON THEIR "BEST FRIENDS" ARM!?!?! hoenstly.. my whole left forearm is swollen and yellowy blue.. thanks friend... thanks.

And if your reading this Brit.... Merry Christmas, I hope you are enjoying your break so far.

I wonder if she ever talks to her parents about things.. and im guessing if she does they cant COMPLETELY hate me anymore... since her lovely father decided to have me do all his shopping for him last night... hah. That was fun.. Lil Amanda was trying to keep me away cuz it was kinda sad.. and he came around the corner, AH just the person I was looking for... and then i found his items... i was kinda worried tho.. cuz it already smelled like booze... then he bought more..
i wonder if.... hes out of control at all... I remember when Brit mentioned some things to me many years ago.. hah... it really worried me and Chels rang him up and i helped bag.. I gave him my discount.. hah. IDK why but... i guess I felt by helping her dad I was giving something back to her.. but.. selling her dad booze.. hah I really wish we could have refused. I guess he was in oklahoma and got delayed.. so perhaps thats why he seemed to already be drinking. or maybe he wasnt, and i just smell it anyways.. who knows.
Oh well, I began to make her an xmas present.. then realized that was a bad idea... cuz.. Im the one that was a bitch.. and id love to IM her and be like, fine occaiosnlaly IMing.. but NOT if its gonna piss me off... but id love to ask her how the games went, etc... but im sure she'd piss me off if i IMed her and said we could talk, she probably likes it better this way, cuz now im the bad guy and stopping us from talking.. but.. seriously, we need to clear shit up, so i gotta stay strong and stay away...

Dont you love it when the people you thought were your closest friends dont even realize you're gone?
so much for a friend

:-(:-(:-(:-( I seriously just almost IMed her.... I can tell this whole waiting for her to talk things thru with me will be a lot harder than i ever thought.
im sure once I get away from my comp more ill be fine.. cuz... thats how we mostly talk so..

Also... the fact that I made a promise to myself... that I wont be able to keep... cuz of this... er. i just.. need to lay off this for a while.. cuz seriously. this fuckin upsets me I really honestly feel like I've lost a sister.. but then it gets worse... cuz.. well for one reason i will not type, and because shes not really dead. and when i go to bball games I have to just stand there and watch my old best friend play bball... even tho for days before that to forget her i tried to tell myself she doesnt exist.
just like when i did that with Kristy.. and then I saw her in Rite-Aid.. she saw it in me too.. she was like wow you look like youve seen a ghost!... and... in my mind... i did...
idk... i just really hope I deserve all this and she cna justify with herself a reason why she should IM me up and laugh at my pain... and a justifyable reason as to why.. even after what she put me thru... we cant be friends again... and also... i hope she really honestly konws why she hates me right now... is it what i did, the people it invloved or what... cuz i hope someday i really do get to hear why all this happened. but until thne, ill be off doing my own thing! :-\:-\
boy would it fuckin suck if she was waiting for me to come back:-(:-(

:-(:-(:-( It all makes sense to me now... I know the 2 main reasons why I will never truly be able to forget the friendship.... and I will beable to always remember the one reason why i need to try to forget it.... Cuz I fucked up:-(:-(:-(:-\
Which.... Im sure some day I will write about one of the reasons why this is so hard... but... idk about the other one... i dont think ill ever be able to put that in writing... or ever actually say it.. especially in something where she may read it... the other one I will prob write about tongiht.. but i just woke up and dont really feel like upsetting myself... i love how dumb i can be sometimes.. like this shit is really quite obvious yet.. well it seems like it would be.. then.. ugh whatever... :-\:-\:-\
I just really wanna IM her and fix shit... really bad.. I Just erally wanna IM her and be like, can we forget about lsat friday and what i said and continue occasional IMing... but... i need to be strong.. but wht if she really never will come ot me... er. ok im done thinking about this for now..
cuz its... uh! almost wrote it.. hah. well i might as well... i just wont discuss it... of course this is rough on me... i was friends with her longer than ANYONE else... and I was probably closer with her than ANYONE else... so both those really work against me.. cuz time and memories... i coudl work with that.. but then the fact that we both told eachother things we really barely told people.... with both those deep levels of friendship happening. Ill pretty much always have a hole in my heart. but like i said, i know how and why it got ther.

Which will forever keep you in my heart... in a 2hr 45 min trip thats... what...40ish songs I probably hear.. A good third of those songs.. were songs that make me think of her. But then again about half made me think of someone else I was missing so:-\.. it just weird cuz its not always like new songs.. its like older weird songs.. Mad World, Gary Jules.. barely ever plays on the radio. and tonight... I woke up from my nap just a little whlie ago cuz I was having a coughing fit, and I was thinking about how she had a game topnight...
and Feel Good Inc just kinda popped in my head cuz i was trying to get launchcast playing again and i seriously thought to myself, hah that'd be funny if.. since Im thinking about her game tonight it played feel good inc... swear to fuckin god the first song that played was that... like right after I said it and i hit play.. and this is like.. a huge radio station that just plays alternative rock.. ANYTHIGN could of played.. idk if Ive even ever heard that song. See.. and weird ... signs like that that make me not wanna walk away.
well besides that I still care also.. i feel like someone is trying to tell me to keep trying and keep pushing.. cuz i know i hurt her and i should be able to take punishment back but... come on.. when do i get to do things for me. When do I get to say, Ive had enough of these games Im walking away.. instead of.. well.. I NEED to prove myself i need to keep trying and pushing. Well, Im making a decision for me now.. finally... even though I feel like I would be hapier if i kept pushing her... I need to live for me.
Its not healthy to live my life for other people.. it's not healthy that i'd do anything in my power for her, especially with how shes treating me.. its just.. not healthy for me. or for anyone to sacrifice their dreams at the shot of helping someone else... well unless those are your dreams.. which... i had to chang cuz.. i could never get her to her dreams.. i could pick her up when she fell down, but no one can help anything actaully capture your dreams.. its all upto you. which is why my dream to help other people is kind of a lost cause..
well to the extent that I wanted to help people it was.

sighs.. i bet if i imed her tonight about her game shed bitch me out hardcore... for the way i treated her on... friday i think it was.. but she was out of line.. saying she laughs hystercially at..well my problems, my ideas... thats pretty harsh. i was thinking about that... she said another try and that we should have occasional IMing.. so by me saying dont IM me.. I kinda fucked that up. but i dont want another chance until thigns are cleared up. or until she says things are cleared up. cuz she's not communicating to me at all. so...
well i better go study... cuz i got 2 exams tomorrow.. then.. IM OUTTA HERE!! YEEEE HAAA!

I must say tho.. it does suck to know I'd do really anything in my power to save the friendship.... I'd start the whole talking/clearing shit up.. but i can't cuz I dont know what she'd want to hear.. I already explained most of the stuff to her. Which is why I felt I Had to do this.. cuz I've done everything. and in return she tells me she laughs at me.... thats not the response I was looking for... which its really too bad, cuz I think we could have been life long best friends, cuz I know I'd be there for her through everything. I mean come on, she gets a fuckin crush on me and her mother finds out... and I still stayed by her side... even though i was def told not too.. cuz that was even messing with the law, hell she almost fuckin acted on her crush.. idk.. I just. it doesnt seem fair. Cuz now I have to pull the whole... dumb way i forget about people... er. tears.

Home game tonight:-( and I'll miss it.. that sucks.. that kind amakes me wanna skip my finals... hah. Ive been missing sports.. A LOT recently... especially with this new asthma development.... I really just wanna start running again and get my body healthy.. I knew stress could affect the body.. but HOLY shit... I never knew it could affect me THIS much... and now that i had to be a bitch I cant even ask her about the game:-(

should I make an assumption about the new profile??? Nope. Well I could, and it wouldnt involve me. My guess would be Mike... but it doesnt matter... and its JUST an assumption, and I dont really care who its towards... I wasnt supposed to look anyways, haha. Actually I meant to click on Amy, Lilshrty03 Livinlife... they are right next to eachother and she signed on so i opened hers. Thats kinda funny. I cant even not check it when i try! I still click it. thats ok tho cuz once I came back from away she signed of... I wont assume anything ya know. cuz it is time for school so... hahah whatever. I gotta get ready to drive back to school myself.

Songs are so fuckin weird... SO weird...

Weird shit always happens... like. yesterday I got into work... the first song I heard was Breakaway.. which is weird cuz its 90% Xmas music.. and.. well... the first song.. what were the odds... and Feel Good Inc was on when I got in the car to go to the party last night... IDK...I always feel music is a sign.. but it's not clear to me what it'd be so... shrugs.

Time is running thin,
And we're starting our own paths.
You've never made it clear,
What you really needed me for.
So now I've got to make the choice
myself,
To either walk out the door,
Or wait for your sign.

You'll always be in my heart,
and I'll cherish our times together.
I know I hurt you but the games are too much.
I made myself pay, and I apologized to you.
Whatever happened to my second chance?
Im not waiting anymore.
Now it's your turn to prove yourself to me,
I'm done with trying.
I'll always care and I'll be waiting.
Waiting for the day you see what you lost,
Until that day, I've got to be strong,
I can't take the games you're playing,
I'm moving on.

I've made a choice that you may not like,
But the games stop here.
(c) 2005 MAH
"No More"



just want this somewhere... I wrote it out pretty fast.. I have better poems about us but... this one i just wrote out real quick in here cuz its what i felt at the time..

lacking sleep.. brain overload..

I feel like such an ass... that whole little... well whatever you wanna call it sent me into another episode this afternoon.. I just slept all day.. I was supposed to go out but... i couldnt.. why the fuck can't we just fix things? Clear everything up.. cuz look.. the longer her and I have waited the worse it gets. I really didnt think any of her profile stuff was about me. cuz i know she doesnt really think about our friendship at all anymore... she's moved on...  i was preparing tho. and if it WAS written about me I was trying to see what I coudl have done.. cuz if we ever DO talk i wanna be able to piece things together, Im just staying prepared.. I dont fuckin sit around and rack my brain about her away messages, I look at them and say, well this coudl ahve been this... but probably not. This fuckin journal isnt to inform her of my every fuckin though and move with her... it just what i feel like putting down.. so when she puts up certain away messages i will be like, well it coudl be this. And at times, yah i thought some where.. but very few.. the main one i thought was the him being a liar and her right, i questioned if the her was me, but she told me it was really zachs gf...k cool. i shoudl have known then she was reading this thing. whatever though, this wasnt supposed to be something she could attack me about, hell this isnt even for her. It's for me. that way all these thoughts are down and not runnign through my head. But yah.. i feel like an ass.. Cuz I really went off on her today.. but she doesnt get it. we are at 2 completely different places on this. I write in here, cuz her and I have an unresolved issue... and unlike her... I can't just toss shit aside and not deal... so i write in here... so they until we can talk, I can get my emotions out.. but... i guess i didnt mean as much to her as i originally thought cuz she doesnt seem to care at all to try to fix things... NOT the friendship.. but just clear things up.. cuz even if we wanted another try at the friendship.. it WONT work til we clear all this up.. cuz we could have a good thign going again and then BAM we get just a little mad and we'll drag up all this unresolved stuff... i know this cuz I've been there many times, and I;ve seen it happen to many other people. i know what im talking about. and as it's been show.. the longer we put it off... the worse it gets.. thats why WAY back in october when i tried to give her a ride home from soccer.. well that why i wanted too..her and I NEED to talk.. we dont need to explain anything... but if she has questions for me or if i have questions for her we ask them.. we could say how we feel about eachother and what we wanna do.. thats it... just anything that needs to be said is said.. cuz obviously what we are doing isn't gonna work. The reason that I write what her away messages could be about me, if they are.... is because it seems like everyday she feels differently about me. One day, it seems like the old days when we talk, the next she IMs me and I have to carry the convo.. and so on and so on.. so i never know when she IMs me what shes gonan be like.. which is why if we got all this shit out in the open, I could what can and cant be said. Like I wanted to bring up to her a long time ago Zachs myspace... aboout it saying "not sure" but i didnt know if shed be pissed at me pointed that out and be like, see you start shit about people.. since i suposedly told hte whole world she was a lesbian.... i thought discussing someone elses sexuallity might piss her off.. so i never brought it up... shit like that wouldnt happen if her and i coudl just get shit out.. even in emails... i know she doesnt wanna see me.. so what. her and i wouldnt have to do it in person... we can send eachother emails.. and then we have proof of what eachother said.. so if shit does backfire we can go back to the day we finally dealt with this. cuz also... the longer this shit goes on.. the less I wanna be there for her... cuz yah  i know i hurt her... but jesus fuckin christ... who the fuck IMs someone and tells them they laugh hysterically at their journal.. especially when she knows how important my journla is to me.. like come on... i just cant tell if its the age or if its really her.. i wanna keep blaming this on age.. but.. idk... or even if it is her.. is she really done with me or just the normal pushing away she always does.. cuz id get it if she was done with me.. i guess.. i can kinda see hwo she can justify ending the friendship.. but hten again i cant... i think her and i are even now.. i think we coudl start off with a clean slate.. cuz supposedly i've done all the horrible shit to her.. well im holding back on all teh shit she's done to me.. im trying to leave everything in the past, but hell I'll dig shit up from way back when i first met her if she wants..
i found my birthday card... she gave me this past year... oh great here come the tears... how in the note.. it said she'd always need me.. not matter what she said... well there should have been a footnote about what happens if i pissed her off.. does that still apply.. cuz honestly.. besides the fact that I'll always care abotu her.. thats why ive been putting up with this shit... cuz i dont know if thats true.. cuz she plays it off well that she doesnt need me.. so i could just walk away... and be everyone else... but i dont want to prove to her that i am just like everyone else.. i wanna be there thru everything.. prove to her that she couldnt get rid of me even if she tried.. which is why i guess this is kinda the right decision.. leaving it upto her.. the only problem.. is that ok.. lets make up a situation.. lets say.. she does still care.. and she does still wanna be friends.. but she;s afraid to trust me again.. completely understandable.. she... is hurt and although she loves the friendship, does she really wanna put up with all that again.. so instead of letting it all pass by... she will.. keep IMing me like she did today.. to "keep me hooked" but still keep me distant.. well, it backfired, cuz im done iwth trying, NOT caring... trying. ive done what i can to prove myself, i cant do anything until she responds.... im just worried she will clump caring and trying together.. cuz you can care about someone and not show it... like im hoping she still cares and is doing a damn fine job not showing it.. but.. im thinking she really... idk.. eh i cant do this anymore.. its 1am i work tomorrow and then i have a graduation party.. and im crying and could probably use my inhaler.... ya see thats what makes me think she doesnt care... not that she'd know my state.. but.. who tells anyone that they laugh HYSTERICALLY at someone elses emotions.. either she really doesnt care anymore... or shes REALLY pushing away hard.. which is funny that she pushes this hard and im not pushing back...
If your reading this Brit.. you can get rid of me all you want, and you can push and push and push... but you'll always be in my mind and my heart... so. With that said. once again.. if you wanna clear shit up.. I mean think about it.. you can bitch at me.. it doesnt need to be nice.. you can send me an email that says you wanan vomit when you think of me. that if you ever see me again youll have to hold back from punching me in the face. You can tell me whatever you want AS LONG AS... 1. You tell me things relevant to right now.. dont drag up past problems, cuz Im trying not too. and 2..the most important... That your completely honest. Im putting my emotions out there for you to read in here... if you tell me you still really care and it hurts you that it has to be like this.. and that your scared to talk to me again.. im NOT gonna use it against you.. Im not gonna try to get you back to being my friend.. I dont think you've understood that all along... all I've EVER wanted from you is to be happy. Which is why Im leaving it upto you. Which is why I wont try to get you ot of my mind just in case you come back.. but Im not gonna keep putting in effort if your gonna keep shutting me down.. ESPECIALLY when I am the way I am right now... it's all upto you. and since all i want is for you to be happy.. all i can do is put myself on the back burner and wait for you to decide... and if you never do.. and try to keep playing games... this isnt a threat or anything, just a statement.. you'll regret it.. cuz if you do still care and dont know waht to do and keep upsetting me.. I will turn into everyone else, and you WONT be able to blame me, cuz i think i've tried... and that fact that all along.. wait. dont bring in the past. so yah, from this point on.. its upto you Brit. and if you feel theres nothing to clear up, then Email that to me. Tell me theres nothing to say.. and you need time to think, whatever, but communicate something to me. but... whatever im done with writing, i cant do this to myself anymore. and i gotta try to get some sleep... at least she got me to sleep this afternoon.... but then again im up right now cuz my mind wont stop. and this whole, read my journal and never respond thing kinda pisses me off.. cuz as i was told today, you do read this, why dont you ever say anything back... well let me rephrase that.. why dont you ever say anything back useful. Instead of hurting me by laughing at me.. why dont you comment on there and say, hey dont assume, and I've been busy. Sorry. instead of waiting and ripping me in two with the IM you sent today...


P.S. I have fuckin grown up, and if you talked to me and actually gave me the chance you said you were growing to you'd find that out... I've learned from what happened with you and I and from other things in my life. and until you know what I've gone through, dont fuckin judge my level of maturity, cuz it looks like to me you should be worrying about your own level and how YOU deal with shit. You dont like what I write in here, dont read it. and if you do and you have somethign to say about this, Dont IM me cuz 1, your lucky i got that one today cuz the only reason i came over was cuz my mom was got home and was coming to the comp.. and 2.. thats what the comment button is for.. or Email me.. cuz now Im home and on my moms comp and you know how mothers are..

why are you this way towards me.. if you hated me fine.. but why say you'd give me another chance.. and then send me an IM like that... are you mad cuz Im finally doing somethign or what? I cant wait forever Brit.. sorry..a nd I cant play your games.. you want a fuckin friendship just say so. or if you dont want me around just fuckin say so. well.. of course, after we talk about everything

well i guess i'll take my link out since this isnt doing me any fuckin good to have this in here...
like wtf first of all.. you laugh at me.. yah i dont write anythign fuckin funny in here..a nd i dont think that everythign is about me, cuz i know that you dont give a fucvk about me... but IF things where i try to figure out what they'd be about that way if you tried to talto me about somethign i could tla k back and be completely lost.. and i also wonder what they coudl be about.. ay kow what i cant fuckin type.. thanks for that fuckin IM shows how much you dont care.. IM HAVING A FCUKIN NERVOUS BREAKDWON AND YOU FUCKIN LAUGH AT ME. your a fuckin immature bitch.. whcy should i even wait aroudn you yet.. yet i probably will.. cuz if you EVER will grow the fuck up and not just leave me IMS id like to be friends... and by giving you stuff. i didnt mean STUFF..
i fucking meant all those nights i'd ssit online and talk to you and help you.. those nights id do fuckin 70 to get home from work so i could stop by your house for 10 minutes.. THOSE things.. not teddy bears and shit like that. see thats the thing this is why this wont get fuckin fixed
cuz you and i need to talk
and not us misinterpreting everything.. you and i need to tlak. even if we dont become friedns again cuz this fuckin shit can't continue
which is why when i say im done, i mean im not tyring and waiting around. and if we ever get to the point where we can fuckin talk abut what happens I'd love to give this another try.. and if your fuckin busy.. then why give me anotehr chance right now if you cant even fuckin committ?? sorry for all the harsh language but you should fuckin send an IM like that to someone who is fuckin depressed, pmsing and has bronchitis... cuz this is the fuckin reply you'd get.. but see.. instead of me completely sending this to you, i just put it in my journal.. instead of you who IMs me to fuckin tell me how you laugh at my pain. THANKS!
so here.. so there are no more misunderstandings.... this si what im doing on my part.
As of TODAY December 16, 2005... Im leavingit upto YOU, Brittany Marie Hilton, to at some point contact me so we coudl just talk together. Whether it's thru IM or in person or even E-mail. But Im done talking or trying with you... Yes I still care, and yes someday a friendship would be nice. But I dont feel like having this secret half effort bullshit status. I will STOP checking your profile and away message that way I can stopwriting about it so you dont ASSUME I ALWAYS assume its about me. The only assumption I've made all along is that you really dont give a fuck what happens with us or to me. thats my only assumption. So heres the bottom line.
Until you feel like discussing everything with me and clearing all this up. I dont want to speak with you. The only thing I wanna discuss with you from today on, is all the stupid misunderstandings between us. Unless you really need someone to talk to about something, if your on the verge of cutting or death. Other than that, I only want to see an IM from you or an Email if you wanna try to clear things up. AND this doesnt mean clear things up and become friends. This means clear things up. PERIOD. Then we can either just move on with life, or try at a friendship. HOPE THIS IS CLEAR ENOUGH AND NO ASSUMPTIONS need to be made.

WTF!!! omg.. the song is fuckin on the tv now?!!? wtf... i dont even watch this fuckin show... and its on there!! wow.. see this is why ive gotta move on.. cuz im not in the state to be reminded of my mistakes and how im waiting.. as if they fuckin put that song on there... my mom left the tv on when she left.. and i was just sitting here talking to some friends from college... and i heard.. THE LINE.. and i wasl ike.. WTF.. im hearing thigns.. nope.. fuckin soap operas use it now?! er.

k, and the profile is changed.. and the decision has been made. I know i hurt her and it seems dumb that now she needs to prove herself.. bu ti dont think she realizes.. upto that point in the summer.. how much i gave her.. she doesnt know what i put myself thru for her.. and how many times i SHOULD have walked away or i should have gotten someone above me and i didnt. maybe i really was beign dumb or maybe i still am. but.. whatever. its done. I was told by my doctor i need to "conquer" my stressors whether it makes me happy or not, cuz in the end, less stress will make me happier.. so thats what im doing..

I find it entertaining how whenever I come back from away she puts up away messaegs that COULD apply to me... wtf.?? Maybe someday she'll understand.. Im not saying it's her age and thats why she doesnt get it. But something just must not be completely clicking... idk whatever, Someday she'll look back at how she acted with things and... well, shake her head in disapproval.. and if she doesnt... oh well cuz i probably wont be around when she gets to this point.. or it doesnt look it right now.. if she wants to stop the games and just give me another chance cool.. but im pretty much to the point where i dont care what shes says, Im just gonna delete the sn and ignore the porfiles and away messages.. even if they arent about me... it bugs me. Im not even sad anymore, im just starting to get annoyed. grow up.
ps.... grow up in the nicest way possible, hahaha I did the same thign.. put nasty things in my away message and profile. but in the end, i realized how dumb it was and it just caused MORE problems.. so if she reads this, i hope she understands what im sayign and im not "attacking" her or anything.
actually... what does it matter, cuz shes not gonna give me another chance.. i think she just said that to keep me around and piss me off.. payback or somethign.. well i already punished myself which is why i wont stick around for her games..

So I did get into the college thats right in Auburn.. so I will be around next semester... well.. it means that Im pretty much home as of right now.. Im gonna go back Sunday night probably.. and I will be there til Tues for Finals.. but then Im done... @ CSC.. and I'll be back in Monmouth for good...:-) Which means... I'll prob see her more, but she doesnt wanna see me... er. idk. If I can live in the same room with the person i hate most. well yah. the person i hate most right now. i mean HATE like if i could kill her and get away with it i would.. cuz she does nothing.. but shit for herself.. she only hurts other people and thats IT. but.. if i can live in teh same little hole int eh wall with the person i hate most for a week, I can be in the same town with the girl i care about lots but shouldnt... it'll be easier but harder at the same time...
cuz iwont see her too much.. bu ti know when i do... it'll hurt... I heard Feel Good Inc last night on CYY... and i just.. felt horrible... cuz though to fthe summer.. but i COULDNT change it.. i listend to the whole thing.. and I smiled at first.. then the more it played the... idk how to describe it.. happier but also depressed i got.. cuz i thought of the summer with her, which was happy, but then i thought of irght now.. and was sad. which is why i gotta put my plan in motion... but.. idk.. I think she's gonna be the toughest.. its weird, cuz I'd think like Em.. would be tough to forget about.. but i never got to the point where'd Id sacrifice thigns in my life for her.. which i did for brit.. so im not only just forgetting abot a friendshp.. but im forgetting about a reason to live for.. shrugs. gotta do what ya gotta do:-\:'(

yah.. exactly what i thought.. the IMing didnt last past the Zach issue... or maybe it was cuz she did read this and she thought i was trying to make her feel bad... why would i do that.. she'd already given a chance supposedly before i wrote that stuff.. if that was really my intentions I probably would have written all the stuff a long time ago.. plus im pretty sure at one i told her i missed her.. and if not then sorry. but it should be assumed that if i was upset over the friendship ending.. then id probably miss her...
if only the friendship could have lasted thru the summer.. cuz.. hah.. well besidse the nervous breakdown on sunday... i deal with this better. well not even besides that... cuz that couldnt be helped... i have been dealing with things the best i can. that day i just had too much. but this blow out with my roommate.. ive been mature the whole time, i mean.. we're managing to still live in a room together...
so... obviously now i could have put up the stuff i did with the friendship.. i coudl have dealt with things differetnly. hell i remember back when we fough ti felt the town of monmouth wasnt big enough for the both of us..
idk.. i guess i dont really need to write much anymore... bottom line, I fucked up. Yes, I miss the friendship like crazy, but I fucked up... even though I feel worse shit has happened in the past.. that was my choice to continue the friendship... so now this time it's her choice.. and she chose not too... and I must deal. So yah bottom line.. this blows.. but hey, I gotta move on...
Gotta move on... and then maybe.. in 5 years or so i can look back on the friendsihp and smile.. cuz like tonight... sighs.. i was in Carlyes room.. and she was going thru like.. ALL of her CDs looking for the Outkast- Ms. Jackson song for me... and i heard some other songs.. A LOT of songs actually that reminded me of Kristy.. cuz I was friends with her when that song came out so Calrye was checking a lot of her CDs from around 00-02... and.. I smiled.. but at the same time i just wanted to breakdown and cry.. cuz almost every song I thoguht of a memory with Kristy.. and smiled.. but thatwanted to cry.. cuz why the fuck did it have to end.
why do i have the option to be friends with teh people i dont want, but the people who truly meant something to me, who truly touched my heart... have to leave.. like.. idk.. the fuckin songs just killed me.. like.. cuz.. the first time Kristy and I talked.. was actually over a song.. In drivers ed... she walked in... and was singing Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm...(Heard that tonight) and I asked her what song she was singing and she told me and we had a little discussion.. the next day was my bday and she brought in cupcakes for me and the calss...
well this has nothing to do with brit but.. oh well. hah i dont really feel like switchin into my other journal.. if she reads this she gets a real journal entry about other shit then... but yah i heard smooth criminal.. Another Perfect Day... which has a horrible memory.. cuz I remember reading her livejournal one night... and she had that song on there... and she said if she ever committed suicide.. it'd be to that song.. and to this day i sitll think abou thtat when i hear that song...
and nickelback.. how you remind me.. when Amy, Carla, Ian, Kristy and I all went tubing with my dad and he blasted that song and we all sang it
wow.. hah.. theres a list of my past too:-( Carla and I dont talk anymore.. not relaly a huge loss i guess... Ian.. hah.. :'(:'(:'( love thinking of him since a year ago now we were supposed to be in Florida at Disneyland together.. and Amy well.. she was nice enough to remind me why the friendship didnt last last night...
she IMed me.. all I said was Hey. and she said whats wrong.. cuz i dont usually use punctuaction unless im upset.. and i really missed her when she said that.. so i started typing to her and all the sudden Jamie got on and started taling to me and then they went out.. and i remembered.. even tho Amy knows me better than probably i know me.. she never was good at actually listening.. always knew when i needed someone... but never really couldbe that person.. idk... i just
i guess recently i realized that right now Im just completely alone.. i have some fun friends.. but.. idk.. last night i had another "episode"... and i realized.. i had no one... i sat there at my copm with aim.. and had my cell in my hand.. and i didnt feel comfortable IMing or calling anyone..... i hope brit doesnt read this naymore.. hah.. she'll prob think im tying to make her feel bad, but im not.. cuz i realized.. i did it to myself.. .
over the summer when i was unstable as fuck.. i just.. screwed myself over.. all i have are the fun friends.. and i lost my true friends... nad now that im turning around.. i've realized that... but i dont even mean just this summer... all along.. i've been fighting for and against teh same thing.. I've always wanted a BEST friend... but i think once i found it.. i was afraid.. so i took it away also...
I did it to Kristy.. Amy.. Brit.. Ashley... Em.. well granted some people I listed have changed also to make me not wanna be firends.. but mostly... i did the change too.. like Em... and Brit.. HATED that I smoked pot.. well now i have asthma probably so i cant anymore.. but i sacrificed those friendships.. for one iwth Amanda.. who now i will prob lose cuz ALL we did was smoke together.. yet i lost 2 amazing friends just to have fun with one other person.. like wtf..
and now im seeing this.. and im trying here and there to patch things up with some people.. but its too late... which sucks cuz there aren't a lot of genuine peopel around anymore.. and i've already come across a few.. and managed to lose them.. but im hoping if i can once again become that person... i'll find more people.. or maybe my old friends will see i've changed and maybe give me another chance.. idk.. it just hard.. cuz irght now.. i live for 2 things.. well two things i actualyl ahve.. Jakob.. my baby cousin.. whenever I'm with him.. im truly happy.. i couldnt be any happier.. all my problems go away...
the other thing i live for.. which is ridiculous.. cuz i live for somethign thats not living.. is Timmy.. I.. kinda feel like I owe him this.. mostly cuz of the talk we had at my graduation party.. a real heart to heart... and.. idk.. he's just always on my mind.. when i have problems i think about what he told me.. or remember.. hes always with me and protecting me... idk its weird.. i just.. idk he's always on my mind though.. always...
and of course i live for other things.. well i live for the chance of other things.. like the chance at getting some friendships back.. or new ones.. but i know.. that Timmy wants me happy and to LIVE LIFE.... cuz like his life proves.. it can really takes some turns and destroy your plans.. he was only 39... i dont want mine done @ 20... or
hell i probably wouldnt care if i died tomorrow... as long as i konw i lived the best day ever... everyday over.. always making the right decisions, no regrets.. and now that i have my "adult stable mind"... i feel i can do this.. and when i have those hard times.. i'll look for Timmy and his signs that he's with me...
alright yah.. this isnt for this so i better stop..
and i gotta go meet someone at the door... but.. yah.. moving on.. growing up.. change.. its gotta happen now...:-\ oh yah.. i found the fuckin iron on print last night.. the pic with brit and i and the saying.. in my journal.. yah.. that really didnt help my episode at all... ha.. AT all.. which is why i gotta just stop wishing an dmove on cuz it just hurts more...

yah know what yah i will write in here.. and i probably shouldnt because just looking at a pic makes me cry but oh fuckin well... this sucks.. just plain old sucks. actually no no no i cant write.. hah cuz i have 1034394 things runnign thru my head with this right now.. idk if any will come out.. and i should probably stop trying before i get another good ol crying session going on.

honestly tho.. why cant this just be easier.. then again i shoudl ask that about other things too.. but.. whatever.. guess living life the hard way is the way for me. and ill just keep setting myself up for failure... and sometimes ill hurt others in the process.. and then even while ive hit rock bottom ill continue to beat myself for hurting those i loved, well. no longer.

I might write in here in a couple days.. right now tho.. i dont wanna make myself think anymore about this situation than i have too.. i have enough shit to deal with... and i dont think she will IM me anytime soon anyawys... so.. i dont really have much to write about.

it looks to me like we arent gonna become friends again.. or even if we are i'd have to be super woman to prove to her i care... and.. idk if i can put all that energy in again.. or maybe im just saying that cuz of my state.. well.. ill start letting go... and even if we do become friends again.. it can be rebuilt.. but.. i need to start letting go.. maybe starting over from both sides would be even better.. that is if i still have another chance.. gotta love how her and i wont really talk about the issue... i kinda wish we could just throw everything out and see where we end up
like.. even if we write it.. if we both sit in a room together or not even idk even online.. just both send what we want.. and see where it gets us.. i would prob say, another chance, but a real other chance.. no second guessing every 2 minutes.. either give me another chance or dont. and she'd prob go... well i really hate you but you make me feel bad.. and that would solve that...

you hurt the one's closest to you, the ones you love.... and you may feel more for eachother than you're willing to admit.....

ha ha ha.. ok that was sarcastic laughter... um.. thats funny that i usually dont check this girls away message ever... but i awas gonna ask her about hw... and before i checked her away message.. i checked brits.. just to see whats in the profile.. so i saw teh saem stuff,kinda sighed.. adn then clicked on De's... and thats what her away message said.. i feel like i opened a fortune cookie or something.. hah. i thought its funny that all that happened together.. like check brit, check this random away message that can apply to my situation with her.. shrugs.. yah.. but to my take home exam... i hope.

i think she reads this.. cuz she had something interesting in her profile today... well guess waht... if you read this.. dont worry about anything i wrote, cuz.... well i dont have to put why.. cuz it doesnt have to do with her.. it has to do with me.. so do what you want.. yah i miss you, i can deal tho. if that was about my journal, DONT FEEL GUILTY and if its not or if you dont read this oh well no harm done. im just clearing up an issue... so yah.. dont feel guilty do as you please... talk to me dont, but yah i miss you.. you never seemed to care before if you were hurting.. i wonder how much you really did ever care about me... as much as i care about you???
oh yah and ps.. if you do read this.. my profile isnt about you.. its about my roommate.. the dont read it.. refering to my away messages liek the dorm/hotel one this morning.

The Real Life Layout of it all... or the friend part..

alright sooo.. i said i'd update this all pretty with pictures.. so i will.. and this probably should really go in my other journal.. cuz it involves a lot more than the person this was created for.... eh.. oh well i've already started it so i guess i'll use this one... ok.. so we'll start off with the "2 best friends"
So um... yah.. um.. no..  They are pretty much just around now for looks... my parents are freaking out cuz they think that me and these two are just.. meant to be friends forever but.. they've changed.. i mean sometimes i still like hanging otu wtih them... but when all 3 of us are together.. im completely left out cuz i have NO idea what they are talking about.. and.. Em has the idea that Im just a stoner drop out or something.. and Ash.. i just.. i think im her pity friend.. and im sick of it.. i mean... i will obviously still hang out with them but.. it'll never be the same again... we've grown up and apart.. and whatever it happens.. i can let go of them.. only mostly because of who they've become.. they are very cruel people now.. they just make fun of people 24/7.. and i mean 24/7.. about things that they cant help.. and that is NOT fuckin cool... thats one of my biggest pet peeves.. i mean like yah.. people make fun of others its more a way of life these days.. but.. when you make fun of someone whos like.. messed up cuz they're mom did drugs while they were pregnant.. thats fuckin bull. i mean.. i know my other friends make fun of people.. sometimes about thigns like that.. but they usually know how i feel and watch that shit around me... they dont.. and i think their guys friends are assholes.. everyone else thinks they are really funny... i think they are the worst people i've ever met. well i like neil some.. but we party together :P
If they were the two girls i became friends with my senior year.. this would tear me apart.. but we aren't at all.. so it makes it almost easier on me..
ok picture 2... Amanda... hah... its weird.. cuz my whole life.. all i've wanted is to have a best friend.. like the real best friend.. that you can talk to.. and have fun with.. and you just get along so well.. and you are both eachothers best friends...  and i could almost have this with amanda.. for once i found someone who is willing to do almost anything for me........ as long as i devote my life back.. ha... shes very... possessive.. almost..  and idk.. it could work.. butiwth too much effort on my part.. we are more party friends too.. and im her fuckin dogs chew toy...
shawn... hah... yah.. no.. stole my money.. and is like.. gonna get arrested.. well im not going down with him. hes just trouble.
picture #4... well as i've shown above.. well prob not.. but im in quite the transition with friends.. i hang ot with a lot of different people now.. and the friendships that i thought were solid arent.. and the ones i wanted to last.. i want to end now..  this pic relates because... hm.. how do i explain.. ha.. i have perhaps a strong connection.. ah.. um. i guess im just insane.. i talk to my dead uncle.. crazy.. but.. without him.. in the spirit world anyways...
 i probably would have followed in his footsteps... cuz.. its weird.. there are lots of signs that he's here with me.. and without those showing up.. i probably would have given up a LONG time ago.. so in the transition of the friendships above.. plus the one that this journal has to do with thati will write about in a few. but... he really helps keep me strong..
ok.. i need to move onto her cuz.. i am scaring the shit out of myself discussing something else.. and.. ok so..
Yah.. um.. I miss her, insanely. and the friendship. cuz she was one of my closest friends ever.. like EVER.. like. we told eachother a lot.. and we had a fuckin blast together.. and ya we had our fights.. but who doesnt..and the thing that i loved.. that got kinda destroyed iwth the zach thing.. but that we could make it through anything.. which we are talking some again so maybe we can get back up to that point again.. or maybe we can get even closer. we were on such a good path..
im gonna make a statement and i bet even wheni read this later on in life im gonna think  wrote it cuz this journal is about this friendship... but.. out of.. emily, ashley, shawn, amanda.. well any of the friendships this summer.. annie, ben.. BEN! haha.

it'd choose brit.

cuz when i think of the happy times.. and like spontaneous times.. well i have fun with amanda.. but all we did was smoke.. and thats not cool.. so that doesnt count as a happy time if i had to take a drug.. shawn.. eh.. is shawn.. emily and ashley.. sometimes make me want to punch them in the face.. tom.. ick.. if i give birth to his child.. er. um anwyas so yah. liek honestly. the only rough thing about our friendship was the other people... i got so tired of having to explain myself to people.. cuz im 20 and shes 15.. SO FUCKIN WHAT

damn we had a fuckin blast. Everything with her was really real. I think thats why it was fun. and it was always changing. and always new things. we always had something to talk about, whether personal or not. always something to do whether it was something new or the same old thing. She had games i could go to, she came over swimming at my house. and the more we worked through, the more i cared about her.. cuz llike.. the more we worked through obviously it showed how much we cared about the friendship. that made her like.. not only a bigger part of my life.. but almost a bigger part of me...
which is what sucks right now.. like i dont think she ever knew how much she really meant to me..  cuz.. after the hwole journal incident in june.. i just didnt really like telling her cuz i felt bad. if she liked me in a different way and i was calling her little sis.
um.. ill finish this in a like.. a ibt.. not that i would know.. but perhaps when i read this.. i will remember this moment.. cuz it could change my life.. forever.. be back in what.. 3-5minutes.. ha.. me and maybe another.. hah..


anyways yah. when i thought about what made this summer awesome and realized it was a lot to do with her. Cuz it wasn't just her.. it was also all the things she represented... so.. idk.. it just sucks.. like ive said in like every journall entry this fuckin blows.. like.. if i wasnt a dumbass (well and some other people are dumb too) then at the end of the bball game last week i could have tlaked to her, prob given her a ride home if she wanted, i prob would have gone up to see her before her game or offered to take her up when she needed to go up..  but instead.. i watched like.. from behind the bleachers.. in fear that i shouldnt even have been there.. like i didnt deserve to be there.. or if she didnt wanna see me.. thatd be hard cuz i was there adn she couldnt leave, she had a game to play.. idk.. i just.. i really hope she'll come around fast and we can get how we were and even better!! i think that we click with eachother, which i didnt have with a lot of other friendships, we never had to really put effort into that friendship.. like we did.. but it just flowed anyways.. never had boring times together... it just.. was almost perfect. actually it was.. cuz we got in fights which made it perfectly almost perfect.. haha. I've had one other friend liek this... and we dont really talk anymore.. but.. she was and still is a huge part of my life.. shes part of me.. but i never got as close with her as brit.. cuz idk.. everything fell into place with my little kiddo ;) hah. alright.. now like i mentioned. im depressed.. cuz all those wonderful points i made above.. now i just remembered i have the exact opposite.. i have the oppurtunity at all the friendships i said i'd give up.. and im at the bottom of the ladder for the friendship i live for. smoooooottthhhh. its ok tho.. cuz if things dont work out... er.. ya depressing.. im done with this.. cuz ive suceeded in hating myself a lot again.. a lot. cuz when i finally found what i wanted.. well idk if i was really her best friend.. maybe for a little whlie.. but.. maybe not even.. idk prob not.. but.. i mean she trusted me and valued our friendship.. so it was pretty much the friendship i'd waited for my whole life.. and i fucked it up. fucked it up big time.. cuz *play corny music* Im a fucking ass who always learns the hard way...

and now.. picture number 5.. the asshole!! oh yah.. and the best part.. that bruise on my hand.. from the frame in the living room when i asked her if she was hungry.. cuz i made her a nice meal.. and was drunk.. so she left.. iimmm ssssoooo gggllllaaaddddddd im not a fuckin idiot like that.. well anymore.. hah. cuz i did that.. hah oh well.. like i said i gotta learn the hard way.. i just wish i didnt bring others down with me..  alright.. well... bed time..

id gladly catch for her if i was in maine.. well.. id probably let me be her target if she wanted it.. thatd be some good payback.. especially since its winter and if it was cold.. thatd sting.

ok.. maybe i wont write about it til tomorrow.... cuz Kate and Guy have left and i wanna enjoy the room.. and not be typing on the comp.. ill do this ... idk.. hah.. its just gonna be to emotionally draining for me to really put down on paper.. how good of friends... Im not.. with some people i considered my best friends... ill do it.. prob later on tonight.. and put pics in and everything!! fun fun!

doing lots of hw... but i will finish that entry from last night.. but it will be very emotional draining and didnt wanan do that to myself durin the day..

Yah... i still need to finish the entry from last night.. but i cant right now.. im on carlyes comp.. and shes trying to sleep.. but kates being a fuckin whore ass bitch.. so i ahve to wait til they leave.. and the stench fuckin clears...

idk.. the convos are weird with her.. like tonight i had a real hard time trying to talk to her.. cuz i put so much effort into making sure i dont say the wrong thing.. cuz i lways go back to the old way we talked.. where i coudl say just about anything.... and im really afraid im gonna say the wrong thing.. just cuz.. im so comfortable and i just get so... idk happy that i froget we are different...
idk.. i just hope the convos will continue cuz i really do enjoy them.. whether she talks about personal stuff or not.. its nice.. cuz either tho there is still a whole in my life and eveyrhting
it sounds so dumb but.. seriously like.. holy moly.. she was in my life A LOT. like.. whether we were iming online every night for hours.. or whether i was at her house for hours a night... idk.. when i write out everything about all my friends... ill have to finish this tomorrow.. kate and guy are in bed..:-\

aawwww

ok so.. i was changing around my mysapce this morning.. and i was looking for a certain pic.. that is now my actual pic.. with me and the bracelet in black and white. and well.. in this picture.. wel it was really a pic of me and her.. and so when i looked at it was was kinda like.. aaww.. i remember that day, and i saw some of the pics with her in it.. like.. giving me the finger.. maybe ill put that one on here too... and then i came across the creation I COULDNT fuckin create... so i took a pic of her an I.. which i wish i could get some of the pics she has.. well that one with me and my leg... hah... well the thing i tried to create.. i took a pic of us.. and put a saying on it... and i tried 3 times to print it out onto the iron on sheets.. cuz i ended up giving her a little bear.. i think in October.. after her soccer game... and it was SUPPOSED ot have a shirt on with this pic with the saying... but first.. my moms printer wouldnt work... so i coudlnt print it off on that.. so i went into rite aid to see if it could print it out on the photo machine.. no cuz it put some weird coat over it that ruined it.. adn then i tried to print it on the old school printer but the coloring was HORRIBLE.. you couldnt even read the f'n words.. so i never ended up doing it for her.. but this is the pic thing.. and prehaps ill throw in the middle finger one too.. cuz this is a private journal so no one will see it so. i feel i can do this.. and then i will look back on this.. and yah.. look bac on this.. hah.
Just in case i view this with amnesia I should explain all 3 pics...
1st one..  is the one that was supposed to be put on a t shirt to go on the bear...
2nd one... the middle finger.. hahaha goofball she is.
3rd one.. The kinda good pic.. except that shes hiding her chest cuz lovely shawn hey to say, "ok smile!! ok now grab her boob or something" so a smile turned into us laughing... hahaha thats ok it was fun.. and that third pic is now my myspace pic.. its really freaky lookin tho.. with like.. heads floating around and such.

hhmm... CSI... hmm... yah a little light is coming on... but.. i dont want it to be taken the wrong way if i happened to get her an xmas gift.. i actually had something really silly in mind.. that i saw and.. its nothign bad at all.. but silly.. but.. she really wants some seasons.. but.. those are mucho money.. and.. if shes gonna just blow me off again mayb ei shouldnt.. but then again.. for the past years of friendship.. id spend 50 on a season.. who knows...

well we talked A LONG time tonight too... just like last night... first about zach.. then other stuff.. like.. a couple hours.. or a little under.. but once this zach thing is over with.. which was prob today... will she still im me.. cuz i really dont know wha tto im her about.. she has a game tomorrow tho.. id love to know how that went..
well i gotta go lay donw.. my back is fuckin killin me.. but once again.. good convo... a good night.. it feels like the old days.. im glad she cant tell when im typing.. or i dont think she can.. cuz holy moly do i reword things or add or take things out often.. cuz im so afraid ill piss her off somehow.. cuz even serious convos before i could kinda joke with.. but i dont see her really smiling with my convo much..
it seems as tho at times... she kinda falls back into the old convos too.. cuz she at times was like O! ! and showed excitement.. but hten shed go back to was seemed like pity talk like shes just click over and type real quick.. so.. who knows.. but.. ill have to think about the xmas thing..

ok so like seriously.. wtf.. hahaha I had another dream.. well i had like 7 dreams last night.. and one of htem was with ehr again. we were just hanging otu in my room.. but it was weird cuz we had the boy convo from last night... in my room instead.. and we were like the old days.. i occasionally got the shit kicked out of me by her.. haha but then it shifted to another dream cuz my brother came in the room and then the whoel dream shifted.. which is weird cuz i did talk to matt yesterday.. so fuckin weird.. i dont like it when i dream of the day...

oh my frickin goodness... did i just totally make myself feel like the biggest ass ever.. like i really hate myself right now.. so im looking at Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes.. cuz hes awesome.. and i came across a quote about heroes... and i remember her paper 7th grade year... i believe she wrote about me being her hero... i think... im pretty fuckin sure.. i always owndered if she did but im pretty sure she told me she dide...
i seriously feel so horrible right now.. i went from hero to zero.. but i deserved it... well shes giving me another chance.. and i'll do anything to get back to that spot.. but.. without a clean slate.. could she really ever let me get back to that point..?

i almost imed her a basketball buddy icon.. that said basketball is my life.. cuz i saw something in her profile about bball taking the place of softball... so i was gonna send ehr that.. but.. i decided not too.. cuz.. im not trusted.. so i probably shouldnt push an icon on her.. sounds dumb.. but it makes sense to me!

omg.. this kid is killing me.... O! O! O!.. tee hee..
:-D:-D:-D:-D yay. that was pleasant.. and really made my night.. i must say.. i feel reenergized.. iw as feeling horrible today.. complete run down.. but.. that talk.. for like an hour.. helped.. cuz it like brought me back in time almost.. but then even when i remember its now.. im pretty happy so i dont care.

So much for her being the liar it was really him..
dumbass

Yah pretty sure thats about the zach thing.. cuz she just IMed me to tell me that hes a huge liar.. he was trying to sleep with.. i think she named off... 5 girls at the same time.. like WTF.. how does he fuckin pull that off... like time wise... hah.. but no seriously.. er. I wish i could teach him a lesson... but theres nothing i can do.... :-\ i mean at least now the word will get out that he's a horrible guy..
i mean i fuckin told peope what the war was and no one believed me.. but then again.. Em isnt the greatest person around these days:-( (Whole other horribly depressing ending friendship story) but.. maybe if i told the right people... but eh oh well. It'll catch up to him pretty quick.. too bad more didnt happen with the law.. cuz he really does need to be smartened up. i should have.. idk.. hah. at least i didnt become just a tally mark!
I hope she didnt either...:-\ she said she didnt really get hurt, that he only hurt himself.. so i hope thats the truth.. but im not trusted so she may be shielding herself from me.. omg i love psych classes... this is a random thought.. but like... when i look back on some things we talked about... i can label events and behaviors now.. like when teachers bring it up i will be like OMG and pull a memory up that worked.
and i dont mean bad things! good things too, coping strategies, stages in peoples lives.. its cool shit.
tonights convo reminded me of the good ol days:-) well it hasnt ended yet.. so lets hope it ends well also.. but then again.. not all of ours did end happily.. hah.. but this is giving me a smile.. im supposed to be playing hot shots bball with carlye right now.. buts she gonna have to wait:-)
eh that killed it a bit
the she isnt me
oh well, as long as the he is zach!! thats all i care aobut.. see i keep forgetting its not how it was.. im not trusted.. im not gonna make the profile in a good way!... im so fuckin weird right now.. omg.
ok so yah back to our convo that im having with her right now... haha yah its nice.. but i like honestly(..owie owie.. back pain!! owie.. wtf is wrong with me!!!!) keep forgetting.. its not how it was.. shes probably only telling me this cuz i was involved.. thats it.. now well go another.. who knows how long til we talk again but... this was nice... cuz i missed her...:-)

I wonder how often she thinks about our friendship.. like i dont think she thinks about it a lot.. i dont really think about it A LOT.. but when i come to the time in the day when i think about things that bother me... this i think about.. obviously or else i wouldnt write in here... but she does a good job at showing that she doesnt care perhaps.. or not care but... that she doesnt really think about it.
i actually am kinda wondering why she is giving me another chance.. i've never been listed as one of the best friends shes ever had... so why give me another chance?
i mean.. i kinda hope i was one of her good friends.. cuz she def was one of my closest friends over the summer.. but.. she seemed to get over it pretty quick.. or she hid it really well...

so yah.. anyways.. what i was gonna write about like.. a fuckin hour ago was the whole me coming home... its easy to leave someone alone when your a whole state away... but.. when im back for good.. i really am wondering how that will go..

not like painfulness wise.. but like... im a fuckin dumb ass... and im kind of afraid... that i may just completely forget some day. like if she comes into rite aid one of the rare days im working... what if i just like break out into convo and hug her or something?!? hopefully she'll punch me..
but thats usually why when friendships end i pretend the people are dead.. otherwise i still see us where we last left off... so then i'd probably run upto her and punch or pinch her which would be even worse!... but im honestly afraid.. if im having one of those days.
also i found it interesting... which i think i already wrote about this.. see this is what happens if i dont wrtie about it RIGHT when i think of it.. cuz i dont remember if i wrote about it.. cuz usually if i wrote about it.. then i dot think about it as much.. but.. i find it interesting how she said that she wants to give me another chance and that we can have occasional IMing... well thats pretty much what happens right now.. with her random IMs to me... and i dont think ill ever im her cuz occasional... isnt a specific word.. and ill probably never ask about anything in her personal life.. probably just school and bball.. if she wants to IM me about her personal life yah ill listen and if she wants advice ill try to help, but....
i gotta watch myself. cuz i really still hate myself over this whoel thing.. like... idk, but she doesnt trust me, understandable.. but... no this time wont be like those times.. cuz since mid summer... a lot of shit has happened that has really helped me jump into adulthood. which i've told her before that i learned probably but.. shit got bigger than her this time... and i either had to grow the fuck up or i wouldnt have survived... pretty much... which is why i was cool with her hating me.. well... hah.. not really
the part that pissed me off most is she seemed to hate me cuz i lied to her... yet... i didnt.. so thats what upset me the most.. if she wants to hate me for me.. thats fine.. but when its lies.. that upsets me.. a lot.. and i more than the friendship (since i thought that would never come back) i wanted her to realize i said the truth... and even if she still hates me cool.. but not for that..
but.. yah i was pretty psyched when she said shed give me another chance.. which yes she could change her mind at anytime.. but .. like i said before.. well in my eyes we've been through much worse... or about the same.. but we got through it.. and idk.. i almost think after each fight like this.. we come back as even better friends.. like.. idk what ehr thoughts are.. but i had a fuckin blast this summer with her.
whether i was just watching her play softball or whether we were actually hanging out. even the "awkward" moments were worth it. cuz hell i think that whole situation.. idk i think that was a lot worse than this.. but.. idk.. cuz that like.. could have really caused like REAL problems.. liek police and such.. but.. idk.. then again being hurt by a friend is painful and i get she doesnt want to go through it again... but at least.. for the time being it looks like i get a chance to show i've grown up... but then again.. she pretty much saw me falling this summer so.. i mean.. i was on numerous drugs.. i was drunk for her meal i made her.. that was fuckin ridiculous... like.. idk so she saw how i was.. and so hopefully she realizes that i DID have to turn around..
which... idk if this is fair to say cuz i know shes a smart girl.. but.. with age.. does come experience.. no matter what.. age brings a different kind of experience and maturity.. which maybe i fell behind:-P which is why i had to mature in like 2 months! but.. thats why somtimes i get frustrated cuz even though i dont care about age at all.. i know it does have a small factor in our interactions with one another.
like at the bball game.. I really was gonna grab her real quick when she came out of the locker and say, "hey nice game". but not in a wayof like ME to HER... but like... just as a general fan to a player.. cuz she did have a good game.. and maybe she would have seen it as a harmless action with true intentions.. or maybe.. with ehr age.. she would have seen it as a game... as me trying to fuck with her head.. cuz i probably would have back then. I know how girls play mind games.. but im done with those.. but.. i didnt say anything cuz i didnt want her to take it the wrong way... even though i wish i did.. cuz i pretty much went to see how she's doing.. cuz we had a convo that day.. which.. im wondering if that was her weird way of asking me to go to her game.. even if i didnt bring it up, she asked if i was home.. then put up an away message about her game and the time..
which im probably COMPLETELY wrong.. but.. if it was .. it worked. cuz i went to see her play. cuz she said she sucked when we played together over the summer.. i didnt think she did.. i mean, jeez she kept up with a high school game, like yah she wasnt like stuffin girls and slam dunkin.. but no one was that impressive out there.. but im sure she remembers my reaction when i found out she was a 7th grader... so im not sucking up to her now.. like if she remembers.. and if i remember correctly.. when i found out.. my chin pretty much hit the floor.. and i remember saying to annie, "holy shit shes gonna be awesome in high school. im glad ill be gone!" in the way of, i dont wanan get schooled by a freshman!]
so i wanted to see how she does, and i thought she played very well. she knows the sport so well, and she's an athelte.. an all star in my book:-P well carlyes in ehre.. but i thnk that was about it anwyays..
well i gotta write in my other journal also.. so i better give my hands a break and chill with Carlye Warlye.. only 14 more days left here!:-D

i have probably written about this before.. and now i will have to write about it a little bit later.. cuz someone needs me right this second... sighs.. ill need to come back and right in here.. and in my other journal...:-\

At least when Im home next semester I can go watch the basketball games.. that way I wont want to ask her how they went,.. then again it could also be a good neutral topic... shrugs, whatever happens does... im not gonna push at all...

Gotta hate it when you fall asleep thinking about something..a nd then one of your dreams is about it.. i woke up this morning thinking i had a nice long convo with ehr last night.. hah. no. dream!

Giving up is what I'm used to.
I hate you for ruining it for me. I used to love softball it was what i lived for, thanks to you, I hate it..

This is what absolutely kills me.. cuz now that i really can legitimately help her... i fucked it up so i cant.. i could help her like softball again.. im pretty sure im ont the one who made her hate it.. and im pretty sure i know who is making her hate it.. and im kinda hating her too... cuz i know how much kiddo liked softball.. but then again.. did she like softball then.. or did she just like softball with this person?
but yah like i said.. i could help he rwith this now... im in sports psych, ive read a book on mental shit, and i;ve taken tons of psych classes that deal with getting out of the rut or changing perspectives from negaative to positive.. i really need to get the shit beat out of me for fuckin this up.

i guess im just kinda bummed out cuz i know that she doesnt NEED me... and even if she thinks she does... i really dont.. i mean.. nobody REALLY needs anybody.. they can always survive without someone... but.. I must say i was bummed out cuz i think i needed her more than she needed me....
I wonder what happened between her an dher best friend... cuz shes giving me anotehr chance cuz she knows how it feels with her best friend... so i guess something bad happened there... and i feel really bad for her if shes going thru that pain:-\



idk though.. i still kinda have harsh feelings cuz we've been through so many others things.. like.. why this one?? why is this the problem that really destroyed the friendship... i felt like i got the short end of the deal.. im sure i cant remember everything i've done to her but.. i can think of a few situations where... i really wanted to jsut move on and not talk again.. for my own good.. but every person views every problem differently... so like i said.. im cool with whatever she decides. she had quite a big role in my life, which ididnt realize until it was left empty..

this could actually be more confusing than i thought... occasional iming???? hmmm.. guess ill prob lay off IMs to her... our definitinos of occasional could differ. id love to ask her about the games.. but im guessing thatd be more than occasional.. er ill write in a bit.. my mother is getting lost in the tree trying to put the lights on...

wow that was really fuckin dumb.. hahaha i just checked her away message... and then decided to write an entry... but i clicked her name instead of this one... hah.. so i sent it to her... but it said somethign about how i forgot she had IMed me last night.. but i remembered this morning by my away message and i was pretty happy. cuz i mean i didnt ask for the friendship back.. and occasional IMing wont fix awkward basketball games... but i mean.. its a step away from hating me.. which is what i was trying to get away from. Im not gonna pressure her with this at all cuz whatever she decides works for me... i'll just avoid encounters... well more with her family than with her.. her and i can walk by eachother fine.. but her parents must finally hate me or something cuz they did not speak to me.. so whatever... well now that i feel humiliated for sending that entry to her... im leaving

talk about torture... i was gonna say something after the game.. i must have spaced hah.... but then i remembered our situation.... guess i needed tonight to make it all real. finally close the chapter...:-\....
well she still had a good game. i enjoyed watching her play... ya.... im an ass..

papa roach scars... on the way back from telstar... that was a good day with her. fun fun.

It's also kind of funny... cuz even though I'd never really want to admit it.. I think the main reason i hung out with her a lot more than Em or Ash.. is because even though Em and Ash are like... supposedly my best friends... when i looked into the future when i was old and gray... i didnt see Em and Ash by my side... i saw kiddo... still pinching and punching me even tho I was old and fragile... i guess thats why im kinda angry. but i can only be angry at myself.... i guess.

i just hate how i have to pay for shit that i really didnt do!!! The Zach thing.. ya we made out... he left her alone.. i did her a favor i probably diseases from him! and now hes gay anyways or so says his myspace, hahaha. but she said he really was an ass... so whats it matter if i knew that and thats why it was done. plus... he really didnt give a fuck about her.. i could have had a relationship and i didnt.. i just wanted him away from her. the lesbo thing. I WAS NOT SAYING SHIT. i told my friends.. like my CLOSE friends... not to gossip.. but for help with it. cuz i didnt think she was, and she says shes not now.. so idk if it was for attention or what. so i just needed help. and when her friends came to me, they'd bring it up like they already knew. and i'd try not to say much.
Why do i have to be blamed because of OTHER peoples assumptions. When i todl Zach i told him you thought you were a lesbian.. but i didnt think you were, i never have. like i said, when i told my friends, i always said she thinks she is.. but i dont.. and i asked them how i could help her find out who she is. which maybe she really is and shes not ready to accept it, but idk.... i love how i automatically told everyone that... when 1. I didnt tell many people at all, only my close friends or i discussed it with your friends who brought it up. and 2. i always said i didnt think you were.!!!

and with the fuckin nicole thing.. er that really pissed me off. the only time i bad mouthed her and nicole was to alex. and it really wasnt even that bad. cuz alex told me some sketchy stories about nicole and i was a little intoxicated and blurted that you had a crush on me, but once again im pretty sure i said i didnt believe it.. but alex was creating the stories too. telling me it would be possible for those 2 to be involved. and all i said was, "well i hope they are fuckin happy together and will just leave me alone."
at the fair... many of your friends came up to me.. some to tell me about what you were saying about me... and others talking about you and nicole living together. and my reply was "hey as long as she's happy." Not saying YES they are in a relationship, or denying it. just saying as long as going ot her house makes you happy. I didnt say as long as she makes her happy, i said as long as shes happy. some of her close friends though were the ones with GROUPS of people... who were telling stories.. about you staying at her house, back rubs all the time.. yah i dont see the big deal either.. but i tried not to get involved and look at where it fuckin got me...
i guess now im at my angry stage..
cuz i lost a friend over a lot of shit that needs to be cleared up. and if we still arent gonna be friends even if it gets cleared up thats fine. but i bet you wouldnt think this bad of me if you knew ALL the truth.. and how the poeple you are probably around everyday are more harmful than who i am today... but whatever, i can't change antyhing. some people must learn the hard way. and i dont think this gets read anymroe.

:-/......... :-(...... :,-(
I miss her. for the weirdest reason. A song came on that has NOTHING to do with her... one of the new disturbed songs.. and it said Holocaust... which made me think of her cuz she likes that stuff i guess...
It's weird though.. cuz like.. im not really bothered when she tries to upset, if thats what shes doing.. like.. im pretty much done coping.. like.. i get we won't ever be friends again.. but i still really miss her. she was my best friend for most of the summer... and i can really say that now cuz i can finally see it. I went over there almost every day!!!!! more than i saw Em and Ash combined! even if i had other plans.. like when i went to bens house, i stopped off there first. So now, ive dealt with it cuz i dont get really depressed or cry or anything.
but.. i can look back now and see and say these things.. and still be able to move on with my day. I can say, hey she was my best friend, hey i fucked up.. even though i think we made it thru much worse before.... and now i can say, hey... we're done. See, this journal thingy was a good idea.. cuz instead of all this shit floating thru my head.. once i write it out.. like i said.. write it out.. its out.. which is whyi love writing.. cuz if i get it out writing.. so like i can look back at it, i dont think about it TOO much.. if i just speak.. it still stays on my mind.. like a record... alright i gotta get ready for calss.
like she said in the bottom of her profile.. this summer was awesome... and i know she didnt put that in there about me.... but when i read it i think of the good times we had. Trampoline time. trips to rite-aid (like in the iroc!) watching movies, hear to heart talks. softball games!!!