all ive wanted... all ill ever want... and i have you... but why does it scare me so much.... love love love...

mmmmmmmmmmmm I love her so so much :-):-):-):-*:-*

I cant do this fuckin shit anymore...

I cant ever be what you want...
i have for years.. .tried to be what you want.. but i never get it right.. and i never will.. that is ... always gonan kill me
i feel like yoru slowly slipping away... cuz theres something thats just there... buliding.. i swear i can feel it.. and it scares me so much..

i feel l ike yoru trying to pick a fight with me this morning
but i wont fuckin allow it
i dont want this going like every other time... my relationships dont last.. whic hi didnt think about before this one cuz i wasnt thinking.. which is why i like to think.. plus how about teh fact that i dont even have myself figured out yet... im in way to deep so i guess ill just stand back and see where this shit takes me

M A Hall 7: and i prob should not talk about it cuz its really nothing

Its the nothing thats haunted me all the years Ive known you and it always will. So there is no point in dicussing it. Ill always have my fear.. and idk why those things today made me think of you first with all the other possibilities.. but.. with this new turn in things.. idk if it helps or hurts my fear...
i shoudl just not worry about anything.... but i feel like the minute one states "hey, im pretty happy" ... shit will happen. whether its to them or their loved ones... idk.. im just weird.. I can survive without the things i control... but the things i cant control.. im too afraid to lose.. which.. makes me stuck. or just super paranoid.. and im not even high!! its probably this end of the period emotional stage.. and they freaky shit today
maybe if i wasnt thinking about what i was... when it all happened... idk.. i believe in signs.. and that was a sign..

what to do what to do.. i kinda feel like... theres something building.. theres so much left unsaid.. we are living in a fantasy world. and i have a feeling reality will hit soon.. and if we dont deal with it... therell be an issue. anyway it goes.. i see this relationship doomed for disaster.. so i hope im ready... bring it on.. hah.

not too cool. but i cant do shit so.... whatever i guess... i cant do anything about something i dont know... sighs... i dont want to play games.. whatever. im going to bed
....whats up.... your definitely acting differently.... but oh well you say everythigns fine.. so ill believe you.. i wouldnt keep anything from you if you asked.. so hopeuflly youd at least be honest with me even if you didnt tell me why....

so.. i dont like that i dont know what she does when shes rally super upset... and i almost say.. after i said i hoped she didnt do it often.. i wanted to state i hope it wasnt too bad cuz i couldnt imagine life without her... but.. i just. didnt feel right stating it right then.and id think shed know that.. ugh.... i need to go to bed.

I dont see it how she does anymore... and i find no need to bring it up.. cuz it really doesnt matter cuz its fine. :-) Just great how they are. Time for some shut eye... thank goodness... i think im in debt to my body about 3 years of rest... hah.

so.... why do i feel like her and i took 7 steps back.. yet supposedly shit was solved??? ugh.. whatever.. i cant do this now i need to work.. i just... sometimes wish things were different I guess... :-\ i cant ugh.

I love how things work out.. how things had been mentioned a lot.. and all the wondering and then the facebook comment!!!! :-D:-D it really just made my day.. and boy did i need a boost.... sighs.. hopefully ill hear back soon!! Cuz... thatd be a complete boost in my life!! Work time

i hate myself.... a lot. she was probably better off without me in her life.. :'(:'( I really really er... i need to pay...
ugh... i just dont get how to say things... eerr.. i piss myself off... its 2 different issues im dealing with... the one with jsut me.. and whats going on and what that means with me perosnally... then theres the whole... us thing... and ugh... well one thing is that it doesnt feel like a mike thing... im not saying theres anything more than friends.. well i am.. but not in that way perhaps.. but... idk... she makes me happy. just having her in my life made me 200% happier than the day before... like her cell phone being broken.. kills me.
idk whatever... it doesnt matter anyways.. cuz contact off. so that will solve one issue... except that it didnt really bother me.. we just saw it in different ways obviosuly... and my thinking fucked it up.. so whatever... i jsut.. idk.. today seemed great... idk. i jsut know what i need to tell myself.. and im doing that now.. cuz... maybe shes right.. not thinking is the way to go.. cuz i dug msyelf quite a hole right now.

i treat her in a different way than i feel. and im just fuckin with my head. I love her.. but not in THAT way... but then we do what we do.. so i feel like.. =-O maybe i do.. but its just.. i feel so close to her... that doing that doesnt matter.. and i act the i do with her with everyone.. i jsut.. no touchy. haha. but. shes just i cant say like a lil sister anymore, haha. a best friend.... i guess. idk. there's no way to describe it..
which is i guess why i feel so fucked up... and thats probably why she thought she saw a mood change.. cuz when i was thinking about the shorts thing... that'd be a ginormous step. and i couldnt have done it then... but i guess since i got close.. and she mnetioned something.. it just had me wondering.. like.. what woudl she do. woudl that make her uncomfortable.. or does she say it jsut so i dont freak out. does she think im uncomfortable...
wellwe seem to be talking... so i guess i will be cutting back on this right now

ok.. so ill finally write today.. about something that happened.... um... oh.. maybe only saturday.. i thouyght it was yesterday but.. so... i know its not a big deal but... i felt awkward after.. so we were... on our way to my college. after we had gotten some dunkin donuts. and i remember right where it was.. we just turned left onto the road that you get off to get on 95... and.. Snow Patrols Hands Open song..
and... theres a part that says Why would I sabotage
the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know
exactly what I want with my...
and... i looked her in the eyes.. at the first 2 lines and sang it.. and i had to look away.. and i felt really awkward... cuz.. it just.. i mean, shes an important part of my life.. and i felt like i was stating that to her.. and not just singing it.. idk. but i got.. sketched. hah. idk
but.. things are good... besides that I personally have issues... and im pretty sure when i was half asleep i said i love you.. which.. is an issue. but not really. cuz.. i was half asleep. but i cant SAY it... cuz when you actually see a person.. and you try to make that statement.. to me, it doesnt matter how you feel about them. its rough. I can barely say i love you to my mother... and i actually just remembered this.. hah. i doubt she heard me anyways. i can say it if we are like.. joking.. like i ahte you, aaww i love you.. but like.. if its like.. randomly said. random moment. i freak. hell sometimes i cant even say it if she does.. when i state i hate her and she says she still loves me.. hell sometimes im just like.. sure. hahaha.
i just have serious issues. yet i dont.. cuz i survive just fine.. i really dont expect anything back from her. and the more she does for me.. the worse it kinda gets for me for a while.. so id almost just prefer... that she enjoy the lack of having to give anything back to me. hah.
ok.. time to watch shrek 2!!! and take a nap

oh me oh my.... how things have changed... and i just pulled pine needles out of my hiar!!! hhahaha midnight bike ride... not bad.. not bad... and its only 2 am.. i really thought it might be much later... and i was kinda having issues tonight.. hah.. with different things.. which kinda by the end of the time.. they werent really issues.. but still were.. like.. certain actions... seem pointless... but.. heh. do the trick... and idk.. yah anyways... i need to sleep.. well get a beverage.. then sleep... nighty night...

sighs... my parents are gone.. i have unwanted people here.. this isnt fun... I kinda wish I could pick her up tonight. but hopefully she can spend the night monday night... and hopeuflly my parents dont come back monday night....
this weekend is not turning out how i planned it to ... and its only the first day... idk if thats good or bad... but she will be back soon.. and i will be up @ 3... which is why i should go get her!!>:o hah... waaa.

I knew it was too good for reality... and I knew I was fuckin it up.. and now .. ugh. Im going outside. Ive been sitting here thinking about things since the Text... its not better for me.. I havent been this happy in a while... but.. can it work... ill quit smoking and drinking. i dont cut anymore.. i dont think i can influence her in any other way... ugh.. ok i seriously need to run now cuz my body is overloading physically cuz of my emotions.. i hate this..

Im such an ass.... like.. such a huge ass... im done with the bad shit.. when my bags gone, im DONE. alcohol, ill chill out on. and i need to go running tomorrow.. and decide how to deal with myself... im sorry..

one thing i do wanna add.. like about the sign stuff... is that Im a very strong believer in signs.. which is why... they effect me so much.. like of all the peopel to see the most.. why would i see the "ending friendship" person everywhere... cuz maybe even tho we arent together in anyway right now... maybe.. it proves.. .one day.. we will be friends again.. and for now.. our car passings will do :P IDK... idk how to explain it.. except that.. if we werent supposed to be in eachothers lives.. we wouldnt be.. at all. and granted driving thru town in cars doesnt count.. and she prob barely ever sees me... but.. idk even online.. like ill come back from being gone ALL day.. like ALL day.. either working all day or i went out for no expect amount of time.. and when i come back from away...  sometimes she will also or she'll sign on.. which i felt like sometimes a while ago.. i kinda felt like she wouldnt be online when i was.. and that bothered me.. so id stay away and talk to epople.. so i deleted her sns... just so i wouldnt see her and feel bad. cuz thats being paranoid. hah. I kept them on my other sn so i could IM her if i wanted. and then i remembered... to just minimize a group shes in :P but whatev, im not doing that shit anymore either. idk.. it just seemed so weird that.. even when we werent friends.. we couldnt get away from eachother.. even if we tried. someitmes i'd be out running.. cuz she upset me.. and whod fuckin drive by!?! like that nice joke about me never leaving the highschool.. i went for a 5 mile run in the dark.. that upset me so much. which.. i couldnt run 5 mlies anwyays... and it was dark.. i lamost got hi like 4 times and i jumped a deer... but. after... all i could think was.. this doesnt even compare to what i put her thru, so deal.. and I did. god i was so weird... even just a couple months ago. but i've had some help now, and... im doing good, getting whree i need too! and i said i was done with all of this.. and look my comment is as long as my entry... haha. not even close.. but.. i just thougth of that too.. like theres just so much weirdness.. and only time will tell if the signs where right.. or not.. and no matter what happens, I'll be happy. cuz its her choice, and i know she'll choose what makes her feel better. whether she can and can not give me another chance. but Im finally cool with whatever, and survivng! I just... I must say i never honestly knew there'd be such a huge void in my life!! Which, Im not gonnafill... it'll stay reserved or empty forever. :) omg.. im too perky now.. my hair came out well, haha. but. yah.. anyways... i shoudl read thru these before i post.. i be tthey make no sense. i pretty much write what i think.. so.. it jumps and skips.. and its prob some stuff that'd be better left unsiad.. but.. that why this is a journal!!

Things I cant handle

So.... the thing that gets me out of this whole issue that we had... while we weren't talking... the sketchiest part where the signs... which is why i havent left. Well, I probably wouldnt have left anyways, but the signs... just... idk what to say.. I had just done a survey.. and needed a pci for it.. and i was looking thru my pics.. my tv is on a radio station.. 90's and now... and I was listening to Move Along... which.. good song.. so it ends.. right as im scrolling to the bottom of my album.. from last years graduation.. i had the pic of me and her on there.. so i look at it.. and kinda reflect.. "holy fuck how things have changed.." kinda beginning to bum.. then... what do i hear.. fuckin breakaway comes on after move along (which kinda made me think of her real quick.. seeing htem in concert, that must have been cool..) but then breakaway.. and now fuckin ill be is playing.. the saddest song ever, hahaha. um.. anyways.. yah.. like.. it was kinda weird.. to be looking at pic.. and here the song.. that goes with it. even tho is was siwrls gradaution.. i think of brit when i hear that song.. and i must say.. before i could sit down and type this.. i had to pace some.. cuz this is what has made it so hard on me. Before, when i was like.. well ill wait.. but while moving on.. like if she came back to me, id be there.. just not like.. sitting waiting.. stuck in time.. and once i tried that... everything.. was about brit practically.. I saw her EVERYWHERE.. i'd pass her... itd be the one and only time id go out that day... but id see her. or the day i was riding my bike.. since when would she be walking in downtown monmouth!! and im not stalking the girl, i have no clue where shes gonne be. shes ALWAYS on the go.. always busy. or that day...i sped home on my lunch break to get my gift certificate for chinese food... so i was home for like.. 3 seconds.. drove on like.. maybe 1/2 of a mile of the ONLY road I'd prob meet her on.. and oh yah, i met her there. not that theres anythign wrong with this.. but when i was trying to move on.. it upset me.. i still cant look her in the eyes.. i .. dont.. omg.. now name by good goo dolls is playing.. another deep in the heart song.. not about her. but.. hah ive already been kinda dropped.. hah. it prob could relate to her lyrics wise.. but nayways.. i just.. i shoudl prob talk to her about it too.. like last night zach and i were talking to her about that tattoos and i just looked at him pretty much the whole time.. not cuz i dont like her.. i just.. when i look into her eyes... i see too much. idk how else to put it. I see... all the good times.. and all the bad.. and I imagine... All the tears... that i'd caused... and now thats annoying.. we are finally kinda talking again.. and i barely can. id been waiting how long for this oppurtunity.. and i can only handle a crowd convo with her.. Im gonna have to talk to someone aobut this.. cuz even tho i got out of my other way of coping.. im still not completely fine. and i know what causing this.. i just dont kow howt o fix it.. cuz I can't let go of what i did.. well prob cuz i still dont know everything.. and.. idk.. i get empathetic sometimes.. and whenever Im around her.. i feel like.. almost like how she might have felt last year.. but i have to call my person today anyways, and i remember them mentioning what to tell myself. i was told to write her a letter.. and i did... but. i didnt put everythign in it. I cant put everything into words. she was one of few people.. that i got really close too.. and then.. she was the first.. i hurt badly.. and yet theres more cuz its her. like the 3 intense past years... IDK. Im just glad it's gotten to this point. I still can't do anythign tho. I wont start a convo... cuz.. I dont feel its there yet. We only talked a lot online over Amy.. which... er... idk if i should even fuckin start on her....
....cuz ya know what... It's one fuckin thing.. if she wants to fuckin let me down.. and like.. just fuckin pick up and leave before saying bye.. but ... when i told her.... about this whole softball thing. that it needs to happen if she said it would... er. i hahsf'j sad f idk what to type right now. Amy's issue was.. .. when i brought up catching for brit... well, i have people im closer too i need to see.. so i brought up.. oh you mean all those 5 peopel you've seen EVERYDAY..  "well.. they are my family" Well FUCK YOU...  she knows that brit looks/looked upto her. or whatever the situation is idk, but Amy knew brit was lookign forward to that. and I fuckin reminded her too. I even told her i was like, well even if you dont wanan play softball, just catch for her for a bit! but since thats all id talk to her about that last couple of days.. she started to avoid me. WELL FUCK YOU. er. idk what else to say.. when i think of that situation, all i think is fuck you.. fuck you.. I havent talked to her since... i think monday .. tuesday night at the game.. she called me wed @ 530.. but i knew she was on the road. so i didnt pick up.. and i havent IMed her.. I dont fuckin want to. like it would have been that fuckin hard to just go over there for like.. 1/2 hr!!! and jsut catch and talk to her about it!?! I thoguth shed want to cuz she likes to feel important and special.. so i thought if she wouldnt do it for me or brit, she'd do it for herself.. but i was wrong there to.. er...fuckin A.

hah k.. i honestly had to walk away.. but im mixing shit anwyays.. im so upset about Amy cuz 1... Amy didnt have to be the one to tell brit.. no she escaped completely.. never even talked ot the girl.. no i had to get the ims and see all the ... i had to go upto the school... nad hear the disappointment in her voice.. which wouldnt bother me if i hadnt already let her down so much before... and Im not saying this like I I I.. cuz it hurt me.. but I dont like hurting her.. and Amy made me see her hurt. Like from a mother or sister point of view.. you hurt cuz they hurt. well we may not have been talkign for a while... but.. i still know her somewhat.. and i coudl read her that night on the field.. and it tore me up knowing that 1. she was wicked excited... but at the same time.. she knew deep inside it wouldnt happen.. cuz like she said.. low expectations for people.. well.. in Amys situation... shes jsut a low person and not worht the thought or effrot... and the other thing that bothered me with the Amy thing.. is that I would have loved to have that oppurtunity.. I wish Brit would look up to playing softball with me... but once again.. i understand why i dont get that chance, hah. but.. it erked me... to see someone get an oppurtunity that i've been waiting for.. and see them not give a flying fuck. Or act like she did.. she acted upset.. but i dont think she really cared. cuz when she talked about it shed be like, why does she even care ot catch with me she doesnt know me.. so id bring up hangin out the last time she was home.. and id jsut say, well if you wnet you'd find out. or, well yo ushould be flattered then that she barely knows you and wants you to catch for her... but er. ok, im done with this. Im done with Amy. and.. Im done with the bad eye contact!! hah... ill fix that asap. i gotta go dry my hair and see the color... sighs... and lube up the tat.. hah then i get to work 145-1015.. yay.. then ill prob be home to write another entry. cuz... i still dont do well with like.. past experiences reocurring.. like how different graduation will be tomororw than from last year. That will bum me out. I ownt even think about it.. but i just... nkow.. how much things have changed... my body will become tired... its so funny ive become really good emotioanlly now.. and so now.. if i get upset.. my body shows.. like ill get beat red...  or i shake... or my body almost shuts down and gets tired. instead of my mind.. which i enjoy more. cuz then if i get active... i feel better. which is easier than trying to calm my mind!! ok.. omg this is so long.. but obviously it was much needed.. cuz.. i typed this pretty fuckin fast... and.. i typed quite a bit and it all just kinda came out... i didnt have to think too much. now ill have to go to my other journal and continue tho... cuz.. this have been one crazy fuckin week.. and i dont wanna forget it.. the good and the bad!!!

I miss us.

TTFN.

So.. i never really finished what i was writing the other day.. idk if she still comes on here often and i didnt feel like having something misinterpreted and get her mad. I ended up pretty much writing it out.. but.. it just.. meh. too much. i know what i think... i dont need to write it. if she wants to konw, she can ask.
I wrote some poems.. the past couple of days... and its weird... cuz i wrote 2 poems.. and they are mixed... for who they are for.. which makes me laugh kinda. just... a lot going on right now, and I wanted to vent.. and usually i write a poem.. about a person.. or to the person.. or about the situation.. and this time.. it jsut.. things came on my mind and left...  and.. theres a mix of people in them. Part of one of these is totally towards brit and obvious to me. but i wanan save them.. cuz ive almost lost them 10 times and even tho they have to do a lot more than just her. IDK where else to keep them. Im afraid my myspace blogs arent really private!! the fact that i always see them really sketches me out!.. ok so.. lets see here.. first one.
One More Time
Im sorry i didnt always treat you fair,
Through thick and thinI always did care.
At times everything just escape me,
Feeling I wasnt what you needed me to be.

After all this time we end up here,
and although our future is unclear
I'll always feel you deep in my heart.
But for everyday we are apart,
I'll keep you in the back of my head,
Avoiding the days i feel nearly dead.
Those days i cant look myself in the eye.
Hating myself, barely scraping by.
All because of the pain I made you feel,
Wanting to help but knowing only time will heal.

So just remember, please always know,
I'll never stop caring and waiting, where ever you go.

Because just one last time for you,
I will tear my heart in two.

Then one is a good mix up.. started off about Ian... then worked into other people.. then ended.. with all of them pretty much. haha.

Zero
Our laughter and smiles turn into endless tears,
As our memories fade over the years.
Hero to zero, love to hate.
Is this bad luck?? Is this fate??

I know I was wrong,
And it's been so long.
Since I've seen your smile.
Yah, it's been a while
Since I've heard your voice.

Sometimes I think it's for the best.

I actually had the middle piece... for a really long time.. well. since like last week. and it was actually written... about my uncle... part of it.. then i twisted it... and added the end line.. and now this is about... pretty much all my lost friendships... cuz.. this is pretty much what happens.... Kristy.. Chels.. Brit.. B... sighs.

Im glad im getting back into writing.. i mean.. i could prob write a 3 page poem on... a green car if it upset me enough. I just.. let things go.. the first poem kinda forced rhyme.. but Zero.. I really like.. cuz it really... says what i was feeling :) although i did change one little word.. that I think changed the tone. in the second stanza it was originally
"I know i was wrong/but its been son long" but... that makes it sound like i wanna hear their voice and see their smile. which.. i dont. its just.. the statement.. kinda representing the happiness gone.. cuz it wouldnt have worked well with the last line.

Ok anyways.. this has become pretty much my own personal journal now, haha. Dont have much else to say about what im supposed to.

Oh well.... I did go to some games this week. Holy awesomeness. Shes... amazing. to me anyways. I mean i dont really know the sport that well, but um.. No hitters, 2 hitter, 3 hitter... that seems pretty damn good to me. and the strike outs!!! Strike out galore!! I have SO much fun watching softball!!! its a fun sport. Its hard tho.. cuz before i used to watch just her. like last year. ppsshh like i really knew anyone else or cared. hahaha but this year. I like.. catch myself about to cheer. and Melissa mentioned being quite so i dont sketch her out. which is understandable. even good people can bother her. so im sure seeing my face isnt helpful.

oh and when i was taking pics.. i caught myself just trying to taking pitching pics. i really wanted a good one like last year!!!! haha but never did. and I wish i could get in the good areas to take pics.. but I dont wanan freak her out. At times I feel like I do. Liek she'll throw balls. I move and shes striking people out again. Lisa gets mad at me cuz I tell her I wanna move cuz we are distracting her. and shes like ya right!!! but.. idk. its funny cuz im SO touchy about upsetting her.. yet.. Im not. like.. I was so sketched about playing soccer with kels and kristy. and i kept saying i had to go. cuz.. well i did poor zach waited an hour for me :P and they thought it was cuz brit was there.. which.. ya it kinda was. but iw as like, well no zach is waiting and they were like no no no play make him wait.. and ... I love.. playing soccer. so i just stayed.. but i was so sketched. I can't think of anythign I've done recently intentionally to upset her. If anything Im over paranoid and stopping myself form things. like once again. I will only stand in certain areas... so i hope she doesnt see me.. and if she does.. i turn around... i cant look at her. When im by the dugout and shes ... on deck.. or whatever. up next to hit... I have to walk away... or turn around. i cant look at her. like that fuckin day... a week ago. when the game was cancelled and i jumped up on the snack shack to see melissa about the times... and brit was in there.... I almost had a heart attack. but im used to it. If i didnt cope so badly then it wouldnt really matter. I did the same fuckin thing to kristy... instead of dealing with losing a friend.. i kinda act... like they are dead... which worked while i was at college.. but now that Im kinda involved.. its kinda hard if i feel like shes a zombie!?!? :P
Like that day in rite aid when i saw kristy in rite aid... i hadnt seen her in years.. and i started to shake and cry.. and she didnt get what was going on.. cuz we def werent friends at all.. .. AT ALL. yet i was like.. hugging her and shaking..... like i had seen a ghost. If I see brit unwillignly.. thats how i get now. liek at the snack shack. Its getting a lot better tho. now its just mostly when i see her and i dont expect too. thats really the only time i have issues. but.. I congratulated her at both the games. cuz once again. I have no issues with her. I got pissed when i heard she told people she controlled what games i went too. but whatever. I probably deserve much worse. Im just trying to get by.. but at times.. more for her than me. Like when ill leave somewhere in fear of upsetting her. but... now that im getting over the dead thing.. and whatever.. im learning to care more for myself then others. which.. is kinda hard. I really honestly.. keep forgetting that we arent friends anymore... cuz everything is the same.. liek melissa and the twins.. and now zach... the only thing that is different... is that her and i dont talk... yet thats like a huge thing to try to figure out. cuz i always forget. ALWAYS. hahaha. silly silly me. hard to remember after 4 years of a friendship that its gone. anwyays.. mother is like.. fuckin sitting behind me hounding me about money, men and... who knows what else is to come.

Second Thought

OK.. so i said last night Id finish it.. and i did.. sort of.. and i left the entry open all night.. cuz ive decided... that.. Ill write it in here.. but before I go saying more things.. I really wanna make sure.. its what i think.. and such.. and when i reread the entry.. it was so confusing.. and it seemed like at certain points it was blaming her and i. and I dont wanna put blame on anyone... so.. IDK when Ill have time... maybe later on today.. I think Im going to the game today... so.. perhaps after that I will feel motivated. Id love to tell her good game in person today... but.. IDK. She never really gives me the chance. But I kinda feel like an ass cuz... all the times ive kinda seen her and she didnt say anything.. why would she? I dont see why a good game wouldnt hurt to be thrown out there. We'll see. And Ill obviously mean it. well Ill say whatever i feel the game deserved. but with the last 2 games.. shes done really well. So hopefully today she will do well also. I believe shes pitching.. and Id call Melissa but.. I harass her soo much anyways. But I must go clean... and avoid the boys phone calls.. as if he doesnt get what i mean.. cuz ya the 3 weeks hes home Im magically gonna forgive him and be able to trust him. Yee ha. Not quite. Go back to Iraq and think about what you've done!

To rebuild.. you must break it down..

So.. I've decided to write in here yet again.. and I didnt do it the dumb way. I didnt sign on the SN first to get this link.. hah. I just came right to AIM.com so perhaps this will stay undiscovered for a while.
so... I've realized.. liek the subject says.. in order to rebuilding something.. you need to break it down... and.. so i've been breaking down my life.. to rebuild it. And lucky for me, I've been breaking down this friendship.. this long.. and I dont mean this in a bad way, but fucked up friendship. Cuz.. it certainly was.... We... were kinda being 2 fake people.. living in a fake friendship.. but depending so much on this fakeness... Cuz.. when I think about it.. when I was with her... at times.. yes, i was a completely different person. I'd be who she'd want me to be... or who I thought I should be in a situation.. and I think at times she did the same.. at the beginning we had a very negative friendship.. I think maybe she almost felt like she had to have problems to keep the friendship. Which I know I didnt treat her the best the first couple of years.. but I think... with never fixing all our little issues.. we just let ourselves keep building up this big lie... And the only truth and honesty in it, were the emotions.. OK.. I told Annie we could go to subway... so... I guess we are heading out. and I need to finish this when I get back.. and I will.. cuz... it makes sense to me. for once.

So.. i havent written in here in forever.. since there really hasnt been a need too.... but a lot has changed.... well.. no nothing has really changed.... but.. er.. idk..
I know people say not to regret things... but... I dont think I've ever hurt someone or let someone down like i did her.. and that REALLY REALLY upsets me... and its funny.. I Looked in her profile today.... the concert... i wanted to buy her tickets too.. SHES ALREADY FUCKIN GOING. !?!?!?!?!?!? Like seriously... i thought i could pull it off... cuz its in boston.. but oh no.. shes already all set. I prob couldnt have anyway... cuz she wont talk to me so how could i get that set for her??

And its not a whole.. "try to buy her back into my life" I just really want her happy. and i know shed love to go to that.. obviously cuz shes going.. and its right around her birthday.... omg. . i just really cant believe shes going to that.
i feel asleep thinking about a lot of diff things.. and she was one of them.. which is funny cuz i can remember a couple of dreams.. and one dream was that we were fine.. i always do stupid shit like that. I go to a happy land, or to the old reality.. but thats ok, cuz then i woke up and remembered it'll probably never work. and ill continue life knowing Im a huge jackass and i could never make it up to her. but.. perhaps there is nothing to make up.. idk. i just really wanna know shes doing ok...
idk how many times we've tried being friends again.. and nothing is happening.. idk if im supposed to just jump back on the boat.. but uh hello... i hurt her... its not that im not putting effort in.. but.. she pretty much has control of what happens. i mean i can refuse things.. well she doesnt have control... she has to start things.... unless it has to do with something in general, like softball games, she needs to start it. i stopped that day by the ball fields.. prob a super bad idea since she doesnt talk to me at agames. but.. that was my shot.. super duper awkward... but. I mean, i go to softball games, not just for her, not at all. but i mean, i do enjoy watching her play like last year. whatever.. i can'tdeal with this now...
All I truly want, is to know shes ok, and happy. And if she wanted me to walk away.... I would... which.... I dont think she does... but I can just sit waiting forever. but.... i do wanna know shes alright... :-\ I really never realized how much i cared about her. Im so glad i never had any real younger siblings, hahaha. cuz thats pretty much what she was.. my lil sister... and she always will be.:-\ Whether we never speak again i know ill never forget her.
I have now, even after all the stupid games, and the whole controlling softball games shit... its weird... cuz i rank her.. with like... chels, kristy, em, ash.... who were/are my best friends... yet look at her and i?? Not quite the definition of best friends.. or friends at all... but i guess in a way we are.. cuz im sticking thru to make sure shes ok. idk if it will lead to a friendship.. but..
and i have a feeling she is doing pretty good.. summers coming.. and.. idk. sometimes i feel like i created all her problems.. but... i think her and I have changed a lot.. and if we ever do try to be friends again, i think we will see a change for the better.. cuz i dont feed off the negativity anymore.. and that seemed to be our downfall, but, im much more grown up and know how to handle certain issues i should have dealt with better last year... but.. i tend to be the type to learn by experiences.. and i feel bad she had to also...:-\ ok blah blah balh.. same shit different day, same emotions everyday, but no change. so, im done with my lil rant.
ok i lied.. i need to put in one more thing... maybes its not just that i need to know shes alright... i do put her on the same level with kristy, chels, em, ash... and i dont think anyone knows how big a deal that is... especially since i didnt realize it til she was gone... so i kinda dont wanna just know shes alright. it would be nice to have the friendship back. cuz i loved all those people and would do anything for them.. and i did lose some of those friendships too.... and i dont wanna lose this one. I dont. and i dont know what i need to do to prove to her i've changed and i wanna be friends again... cuz sometimes i really wonder if shes better of without me... and yes. I say yes.. the old me. cuz when i look back at saved convos... er. i was dumb.
and yah hindsight is 20/20.. and ive realized everything now... ive had how many months??? and when i went to her mother in Jan... that helped me realize a lot. and I really appreciated melissa talking to me.. i mean she didnt really tell me anything that she wasnt supposed to... she just.. made it reality. told me how much i hurt her.. how shed been doing.. how much shed cried cuz everyone sucked... and i trust melissa when she says to give her daughter time.. but ... i just wish during that time i had a way of knowing she was doing ok.. and i wish... idk.. i dont regret this happening.. cuz i think if we do become friends again ill be a better friend.. but.. why'd i have to put her thru so much?
my lovely mother says her and i are even now... its kinda funny.. cuz shes done some pretty bad shit to me.. hwen i think back to it.. and i obviously knew all along how important she was.. cuz i kept going back. When I thought i was gonna spend my birthday in a nice striped suit.. i thought id never talk to her again... but.. i went back.. cuz i know shes on the level of, "do everything and anything to make sure they are happy" which is why ive been so insane.. cuz i cant. anything i do right now... is.. "buying her" ... shrugs. i may have every emotion and every thought squared away in my head... but now its just filled with questions about the future... if there is one...
ok.. i feel really good now.. i had to get that whole thing out.. i really hadnt thought about it in a couple of days.. and i had been mad about her telling people she controlled when i went to games, ah.. no. hahah. sighs.. but now i must go worry about losing someone else... cuz i lost him once.. and i cant again...

it's gotta be me.. i dont realize how much i need someone til i lose them.. always... to be honest.. i really didnt think it would hurt this much wehn she was gone... but then again.. it was a bad ending to the friendhsip..
but... yah, shes up in the top 5... of friends. ill admit it! and shes on my special shelf above my bed. the lil moose and a pic she gave me... and a couple other things. like... the birthday card that said no matter what i say ill always need you...:-\:-\ Ok.. yah that kinda made me cry.. cuz im a asshole
ok i need to clean now:-\:'( and try to get a hold of... my future.. hhaha.

one last thought

Its so ... idk the word. Im ready to move on, I pretty much have moved on. Like, yes I miss the friendship.... but... i understand that she doesnt want to see me...but the part I cant handle.. is that i dont know all of what i did.... and i cant forgive myself yet... cuz i wont forgive myself for something that i dont know.. cuz then i wont know what it is and ill keep doing it... so im like... stuck. cuz... i hate myself for.. doing what i did...(whatever it all is) then i also hate myself since i wont just forgive myself...
bu honestly... its hard enough to forgive yourself for something you KNOW you did... but how can i forgive myself for something Im not aware of...?

ppparrtttt 2

So yah... um... 3 main things I suppose. In the long run, age... was a factor... but I guess I never realized it... but I spent most of my time doing 3 things. The first, was playing an image. Depending on who I was around ... would depend on how good of friends Brit and I really were.... most of the time tho it was to save myself from lectures. Like from my mother. But.. thats not something I should have been doing. I thought it was helping, cuz with all the lectures I got after I stopped doing that, it sucked. I really dont feel at times I was ashamed to say we were friends. It was just honestly like, I dont want the lecture. I can handle the faces but.. ugh. People are too stuck on images. And too stuck on being bitchy about peoples choices. ugh. anyways.. yah, oen things was trying to control how people perceived the friendship... one other thing... was that I felt.. kinda like it was my job to make sure she was OK. after we got really close... I felt almost like it was one of my reasons for living. To help her.. and make sure she was alright... Which... OBVIOUSLY made me do some wacko fuckin shit.. but... its about her being ok... in the end. Like AFTER all the dust settled, I wanted her to be happy.. not thinking that getting there is more than half the battle... (Hence Hindsight being 20/20). And I will say, I put a lot of my life into making her happy. or wha ti thought i was doing. but what i didnt see is i was kind of trying to live thru her. She reminded me a lot of myself when i was younger... and I started to live thru her, cuz she took different paths than me, ones I wished I had taken... and i kinda.. just, yah started living thru her. Which is why it was so fuckin weird when we stopped talking, cuz.. like literally I lost a part of me. Which, I dont think its totally bad what I did, cuz I cared about her a lot, cuz I DIDNT want her to make my mistakes. I just started to take it too far. Then.. the 3rd thing... trying to live upto what she thought I was... back when she first met me.. she wrote about me in a hero paper. When she told me that, I wasnt sketched out, I honestly wasnt even flattered. Cuz I didnt see why. I didnt see why AT ALL... she would look up to me. even if i wasnt mentioned in a paper.. I couldnt believe she looked up to me so much. And... that.. destroyed me. Especially after I started feeling like it was my duty to protect her... cuz then what am I supposed to do. a hero SHOULD be able to protect her.. yet I was hurting her. Like when I tlaked to her mother about her. It felt like th eonly way to protect her.. yet it made her never wanna speak to me again. So i felt I betrayed the image... which Im guessing she hasnt looked up to me in a long time.. cuz from my then end of my senior year was pretty much my downfall.... but.. and im NOT saying its her fault. She didnt build me up.  I just probably took things in different ways. Like when she'd trust me with things... like problems she had... and I obviously can't help her with certainthings... Like her past... htes... why didnt I know her then, i could have helped. I just.. I felt like I never really gave her enough... I could never really be what she saw me as or wanted me to be..  Like she always thought I was so much smarter, or so much funnier, or whatever she really thought I was. like I was really not even half as great as she thought. Which.. was kinda my own personal issue causing problems in a friendship. Low self-esteem. IDK.. I think all thi is probably really jumbled.. but for when i read this.. years in the future. and.. i think this hit me so hard too.. cuz certain parts of these I can see in other friendships... like Kristy.. she was trying to help me.. so I tried to act like what she wanted..e ven though i really wasnt better.. and id try to do anything for her.. but all she wanted was to see me better.. but i was too busy faking it to get better.. I can see it in all of them.. I never felt like I'd be good enough to be Ems friend. that she was too good for me... the last 2 are really the biggest things, I just have an issue being me. I dont know who i am... well. I cant say that, cuz I've made some insane progress. I do know who I am now.. but before, I'd be whoever they wanted me to be. Keyword they meaning GOOD FRIENDS.. so I wasnt a totally lost:P Usually certain traits i already had would come out more or fade a wee bit.. but yah.. i need to make sure when i help people.. i dont go to the extreme.. an di think i did with brit cuz.. liek this summer. well one key was I had a blast with her. but 2... i was.. not right over the summer. I pretty much felt... my life was done... so i focused on my friends who needed me.. and prety much devoted myself to them. Hence why I drove to Telstar and Jay for games, I ONLy went to Ems big meets... and yet I was driving to Brits telstar game?! see. I have jsut as much fun with both fo them... but.. i was hoping by being at her game, it'd lift her spirits. not that she needed to be happier. Although i really did enjoy watching her play, I love watching high school sports.. it seems pure to me.. idk.. its weird. anyways not the point.
Yah... living thru people or for people. I just fuckin need to be me. the reason things with brit got as bad as they did... all i wanted to do.. was give her what she wanted... which... I couldnt.. and I guess thats when I lost it.. cuz.. i mean.. i could have, but I couldnt. so.. it made me feel... like i wasnt living up to what she needed... and.. i just went downhill from there with her. Even though things would have been fine if I could have just chilled out. In high school.. i had an issue with proving my friendship thru objects. I was often told by my friends they were upset cuz they felt i was buying their friendship.. but my main issue was that i NEEDED them to know i cared.. and all i could do was... buy them that whoopie pie they craved, or that poster they wanted on their wall. which i stil will spend too much on my friends. but i also try to do too much. ugh. imnot writing about this anymore. it's pathetic.. like honestly I lost friends for OVERCARING. which I totally understand that I should have but.. like.. most of the time people lost friends cuz "they never really cared" well.. I lost friends cuz I care too much. Oh well... cant change the past. but ocne I care about myself more that will all change. when you really dont care about yoruself, you need someone to care about.. and thats what i did... sighs.. i love firguring things out.. **I've cried today over this whole idea... 4 times... and i realized it.. @... 3:30 i think.. and its 9.. but i think they are kinda tears of joy, like YAY IM REALLY GETTING BETTER... but also like.. wtf why couldint i really SEE that...  oh well, cuz things are turning around. Im getting away from weed, havent been drunk in who knows how long, have cutten in a while too, Im starting to know who i am, oh goodness, hahaa Im done. hooray!!

(Note: I just filled in the msuic listening to.. which im not listening ot that song..welll i did for a while, but I dont wanan forget that song, cuz I dont wanna forget the video.. like wtf?! or what the video reminds me of ;P)

Thank you Bethel

So.. I dont have too much toime to write this.. and i have no backspace button.. so there will rpob be a lot of werrors... i will probably have to finsih this later... but... I was driving home today from VT. Well from NH, and riding.. hah... and... i seriously had af fuckin breakthru... and it kidna made me laugh because...  the reason i knew it was a real breakthru.. is cuz i felt almost like having a breakdown... it was bad. I was in the car... with my motehr driving.. and we went by the telstar school... and I was remembering the school... Angela beating me in XC for the first time...  The other year when we ran there and a girl like.. BROKE her ankle on one of hte weird hills. And of course, since its in this journal.... brits softball game. started thinking about the whole situation again... and it was weird.. driving by the school... it almost... like.. broke down a dam.. holding back tons of memories. this wasnt a bad thing.. it helped me realize something... I FINALLY GET THE SITUATION I HAD WITH HER.. from my perspective... I finally understand intentions, thoughts, feelings, actions. and I know i did cuz everything makes sense.. everything i've done. EVERYTHING. another thing i ***OK wtf.. i have to pause this... its so weird, i almost IMed Kristy last week.. or who knows maybe I did.. but.. she IMed me tonight... and I must say.. even though it might not amount to a friendship again.. it honestly.. made my year so far, haha. Oh i had to type this cuz i just turned on my music and Movies by AAF was playing.. which is totally a Kristy memory song. not directly, but when i turned it on i thought of the IM so.. I NEEDED to write about it.  but. i need to shift the crowd Im in.. cuz its hard to stop smoking pot if i hang out with potheads... but.. in my breakdown stage this fall/winter... i burned some bridges.. which Im hoping to rebuild. and get myself back on the right track. I knew it was a good idea to put Kristy on "the shelf". (SHelf above my bed, has all the people who have changed my life up on it... like i have a pic of nate and i.. then tons of stuff around it, like our prom tags, cards he's given me. then Kristy, and some small things she gave me, then chels j. then keith... hten Em and Ash.. in the middle :) then B, then Brit, then... Amanda. oh yah, anyways...

So.. the car ride. yah, i had to try to roll over in my seat so my mom couldnt see the few tears I shed. I need to go right now.. but i will write all the realizations when i get home.. cuz...  Iwant it in here to look back on... but i dont have time ot writ ethat now, and i dont wanna start it. plus.. im still kinda piecing it together. its, just.. friggin awesome. i love this whole, "getting heatlhy" shit!! its awesome. i feel good. :) Although in my realization it made me wanna call her up and be like, lets do something we've had a fun 4 years... then oops, reality. Im still an asshole..

not going so bad... i mean, i still feel like an ass. and I miss the good times. But I guess talking to Melissa really helped. I know what I gotta do. Finally.

Doing what the mother told me to do. Backing off. doesnt mean i dont care.. but... mothers know best i suppose... oh yah, and your welcome for the gift. I fuckin knew i shouldnt have. ok. i reallly must stop with this journal. adios.

K, give her space.. and if im lucky, we'll be friends again...

One thing I have noticed... Is that the longer this goes on.. without me knowing what I've done... the less and less I do wanna be there.. cuz this just digs a hole in me... and im not gonna be able to take it much longer. No matter what I said. Plus, technically I wouldn't be like everyone else, cuz if she wanted a friendship... she'd tell me... so perhaps I should just go back to the old plan. Walk away, until she tells me what she wants... well not walk away but. yah know. wait for whats going on. Cuz I've just done too much stupid shit to fuck this up again...

Yah, heard it already.

Why does everyone give me the same afvice. Im not fuckin walking away. It's not gonna happen. Until I get told by her to walk away. Im not. although she probably will soon cuz she probably thinks Im trying to piss her off when im not. I wanted to see Amero. He's trying to help me with some things.. and I saw the girls had practice.. so i went up.. and im not gonna do what he suggested... since the only way i could probably figure it out would be to go to brit's mom. because.. I know brit's mom plays bball on sundays and I'd ask her if I cuold play.. or if she knew where i could play. but keyword. Brit's Mom. So I will instead prob trying working out with my uncle.. he actually plays bball on sundays also. so maybe he knows a league i could play with or something... idk. I just need to get back into sports. Amero even mentioned it. How I was always happiest during cross-country... and that probably doing a sport would really help out.... i just.. i can't even write right now. like. I know I pissed her off. But I honestly dont even completely know what shes mad at me for. What shes still mad about. I dont know what her intentions are with me. Are we becoming friends agains? Or is she just enjoying watching me call myself an ass. I've fuckin paid for what I KNOW I've done. Why the fuck won't she just talk to me about this shit. I should have stuck with my original rule. but I want to be friends with her again. I do. I'll admit it. I want to fuckin hang out. I wanted to talk to her today as she avoided me. but obviously Im still not liked by her. Which... IDK what to write anymore. Im just... stuck.  I wish.. she'd make this easy.. I know I dont deserve it.. but I just wish she'd talk to me. Tell me what I did. and what she's doing with me. Why randomly IM me.. and barely talk. Show NO emotion in the IMs? Cuz.. yah.. it kinda upsets me. It hurts to see what has happened to us. And IDK. I just dont know. I can't do anything unless she talks to me. Cuz, I can't continue the IMs and not know where they are going... cuz.. it hurts. and if thats all her plan is, is to hurt me. She's done it. She's been IMing me since November and upsetting me. I say we are fuckin even and it's time to make a decision. Friendship or no. I get she doesnt wanna talk to me, IN person.. so its hard to be friends. But she should at least fuckin let me know.  Im fighting for this friendship cuz I let the other ones go. I let the other people go. I dont wanna do this with this friendship. I wanna fight for it. But, its hard to since I dont really know what Im fighting for.. will the fight be worth it, or a lost cause.... I guess if it's a lost cause, it will still be worth it. Knowing I gave it all I had.. and yet again... ok. I gotta.. idk.. hah. not write anymore.

WTF... as every minute of everyday goes by.. I realize more and more about my life... and usually.. its shit i dont wanna realize.. cuz i know i have to change it. and theres one thing ive realized.. that should be written in this journal. but i can't write it. cuz i get so angry at myself for all the things i've fucked up... and i wanna make myself pay.. but i dont know how.. i really dont cut anymore at all.. but i dotn know what to do to myself.. i can barely type these entries cuz my pinky knuckle turns red within 10min... the only way i wont have to pay are if things are fixed.. but certain things can't be fixed. its not in my power... so.. im once again stuck in a cycle.. that i can't control.. it controls me...

Dug thru more boxes and found more pics. OK.. I guess my maine issue as to why I always fucked things up.. was I probably never REALLY realized how much certain people meant to me. and I never really thought thru certain things with those people... and I pulled out my little steal box, and sure enough, the people that mean the most to me, had many things to remember them by in there... there was the journal entry from Krsity when our friendship ended... hah. about the chest I made her for her journals.. i wonder if she still has it... hah. there was brit's soccer pic that still had the putty from having it hung up in my car.. i remember that... i think im gonn ahave to stop looking thru old stuff. Cuz i really just end up hating myself more. cuz i know the shit with brit is all my fault right now
and the more i look thru old shit, the more i really realized I should have known all along how much she meant to me.
the 2 other friendships that showed up a lot.. were completely different... Kristy.. well thats hah.. idk.. and Chels... once she kinda noticed she could do anything cuz she had a good personality and looks... she was sucked into the popularity contest... idk. I guess now that i see all this stuff it makes me wanna change even more. cuz... reading old IMs finding the old pics in my "ALWAYS CHERISH" box..:-\ i kinda cried.. hah. i wont lie.. but now i need to get back to cleaning... i clean well when im angry i bet my room will be looking good soon... i might have to shower first tho... to cool off...
cuz im like purple with anger and kinda still crying a lil bit. like wtf was my problem. the more i realize things, the more speechless i get... and idk if thats good or bad...

i have a hard time closing IMs these days... cuz Im afraid it will always be the last IM I receive. From numerous people too.. I have left IMs up for almost a week... just because... hah. weird. oh well.. im closing them all right now.. =-O=-O :-P ok.. and i havent cleaned at all.. ive been watching a movie... hahah. I need to start now tho.. mother put all my shit in the dining room.. so i HAVE to find it a home.

Ok so kinda stealing another entry.. but..

OK so... I was actually looking thru some myspaces last night.. and since I was reading up on old times... I found myself browsing some of my past friends profiles... such as Kristys.... so.. Kristy had written ONE blog entry on her myspace, and for the hell of it, i clicked on it... the weird part... is that it was written yesterday... and that... it says almost exactly how I feel.. and I couldnt say.. here it is..

dear malden,

(code name for any one who could classify as a secret hole in which one can vent information into and then suck up into a void of blackness...)

i feel like my life is at a standstill. my entire life i have been told that i am a failure, that i am not good enough, that someone is always better than i. it was my own parents who quickly taught me that this was my value's worth but it could be myself who confirmed this notion: i am nothing.

every time i get something that i am content with in my life, i mess it up. if i am not doing something where i am one hundred and ten percent comfortable in my own bitter sadness, and if i start to become a woman whose heart breaths warmth, then i tend to lean towards finding a way to become saddened anyway. i manage to hurt the only thing that means the most to me, in the words that i choose to use.. I FAIL.

now three years since i have completely broken free of my parents grasp, i still FAIL at all relationships that get close to my heart. my friends i keep an arms length away, my parents a mile, and my boyfriend i manage to hurt despite my desperate attempts in the other direction.

if you've ever known what it's like to be the cause of a deep wound in someone's heart, then i feel sympathy for you. i also know what this is like...  and i know what it's like to wake up, live through a day, and go to sleep thinking about nothing other than the fact that you were the one who held the knife. i know what it's like to wish that you were anyone else in the world other than the person that you are-- a heartbreaker.

sometimes i blame my parents for this title. othertimes i blame whoever i happened to hurt that week. but most of the time, i know exactly whose fault all of this mess has been created around: me.

venturing away from these titles are almost impossble, i have discovered over the past few years. once you earn a title, you keepa title, you continue to master the title until people start to see you differently, if they EVER do change their views of you.

i fear that that is what is happening in my life. i have been told that i am heartbreaker. i know deep within my chest that that is what i am. every single day of my life i am reminded of this fact, and i feel "heartbreaker" tremble from the tips of my toes through my body and sizzle within my soul.

i know what i have done, and as much as i try to rewind or change things for the better or make the future a strong one, i never succeed. i feel like i am beating my head against a brick wall at times, but as much as i keep beating, nothing is breaking but the faith slipping out from within my bones.

however, i have also learned that titles are only manmade. and unlike the butterflies that flutter on your shoulders in the summertime, or the butterflies that flicker in your belly when you've fallen head over heels in love; titles have been created by humans, given to humans, and are able to change human relationships in a way that can resurrearte faith altogether.

so you see, as much as this title of heartbreaker injures my soul, it only makes the faith within me stronger. it tells me to keep fighting, keep pressing for the elimination that i am more than the names that humans give one another, but most importantly "heartbreaker" reminds that if you beat your head against a brick wall long enough, it eventually will break through.

c. kristina

soon please do forgive
not asking to forget
please do remember
i will forever regret.

with time we will mold
with time we are mending
trust will mesh us together
bring our new happy ending.
(http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=15161190&blogID=77875687&MyToken=3f540f51-79dd-438b-ba27-f92f856793a3)

It's so weird to me... her writing this at the same time im about to just flip my lid cuz i dont know why i do the things I do... but then i read that.. and just like.. nodded thru the whole thing pretty much.. and felt so relieved after... cuz she had explained my exact problem also.. alright well i gotta get some food... ill write later I suppose.

So I found an old CD... with "OLD COMP STUFF" on it.. and I put it in.. it has... IMs.. from friggin.. 2003... so I looked at some with Em.. not very exciting. i have all the exciting ones saved.. So i went in and looked at all the ones on 2 17.... and it looks like every year... its been a bad day.. on Feb 17 2003... brit and I got in a huge fight, in 2004, Em and I got into a fight, and iddnt talk for a couple weeks. feb 17 2004, Timmy shoots himself... wtf?! actually I think the most interesting IMs on this are either from Kristy or Brit. I used to be.. .really dumb. and these IMs just make me laugh.. and they kinda suck too.
BritnieMahre12 (9:09:51 PM): britt considers you as a Bff and you dont even talk to her..well i guess she should just forget about the relationship because parently u dont care about it
THat is what courtney sent me 2/17/2003.. and hten of course, I freaked otu and said i did care but i was having a hard time. and getting walked on and cutting.
but still.. holy moly. ouch. hah. see, I didnt even remember this fight, and this one ended with Brit telling me to fuck off and me calling her pyscho
but then there are happy IMs about sports, and hanging out, and us just insulting eachother 24/7
alright well i found a SHITLOAD of pics I gotta go get developed and loaded online.. so.. i will write in here later after I read up some IMs.. cuz Im thinking.. if I read up on teh Kristy, Brit, Em ones.. I'll be able to see wher ei fucked up.. which i pretty much know anyways.. but i feel like my friendships are on repeat...
ok so.. I feel like an ass again.. i actually havent left yet.. well i just wrote that entry 2min ago but... hah.. ok i NEED to put this is here.. cuz these are the times I remember.. and this is why i feel like an ass.. cuz I remember these days. and that I fucked them up..
Brit if your reading this entry. I'd say stop. or dont read on. I just kinda want this saved. It's a letter I'll always cherish.

Hey, I am sorry for yelling and bitching at you...It wasn't all cortney..it was partially me. I was pissed off at different people because they know when to say the wrong things at the wrong time. But when you wrote that thing that said something like see you on the other side waiting with Keith...That totally flipped me out..and i started crying ( in my closet) and i was scared because i didnt want anything to happen to you because you mean a lot more than you think to me. and all the stuff i said about wanting to be just like you and how i thought you were the perfect person...It's all true. You may not believe it or not but it is.
But yeah you do and did a lot for me like goin to my games, and many other things and I love you for that.yeah i understand that you may want to be around people more your age but cort and i feel like you are just forgeting about us. and last night when you said that Emily was you Best Friend, I think i may have gotten a little jealous because I cnosidered you as my best friend and you didnt consider me as one..but o well i guess..I'll soon get over it. But Cort is waiting for me and i guess i will write and finish this email later...But just remember that You can tell me things and talk to me about things..you may think i am too young to understand but I understand more things that you think..lol. But talk to you later..Love ya!!
~*Britts*~

P.S your still Captain Cluck Nut!!!! lol:-)
even tho we've both caused our fair share of problems... I feel like a huge ass. How did I go from being someone she looked upto.. to being probably the number 1 person she'd love to punch in the face?? Yah.. that takes talent... or bad luck.
What I honestly think.. is that.. I have really good luck with MY LIFE.. but I really do try to help others with my life... but i have bad luck with people. Cuz.. i have incredilbe luck with driving and otehr stupid shit I do.. but.. other people.. hah. but Im hoping to fix that!:-) hence the researching. and Kristy and Brit are prob the best to investigate.

OK breaking away from topic

So.. Monday is that evil day... and... im not quite sure yet... what will be happening that day. I was gonna see if some people wanted to go to the tree with me.. but IDK who... well I was actually gonna offer a ride to people who didnt have one.. and wanted to go eitehr to the cemetery or the tree. Cuz I know I wouldnt really feel like asking my parents to drive me there. My mom wouldnt have understood. So i think i will ask around and see who can't get there that day... Liberate played today... while i was on my way home from work.. and it was weird.. cuz i had pretty much just gotten into my car. left cumbys and i was JUST turning onto 202 to come home.. and i was flipping thru the channels.. CYY had a song i didnt like so i kept going.. then i happened to flip back thru CYY and it was the commercial so i was like OH maybe a good song will play.... Liberate came on.... adn i was happy and sad at the same moment. hah. It was weird... cuz that was the song we were listening too that night... a lot. it was one of his fave songs... i think he liked it just because it said mother fucker thru the whole thing, hahaha. idk.. i still kidna feel like i could take partial blame. like.. if we hadnt been cruising around... it wouldnt have gotten them wanting to ride too.. ugh.. mother is home... uumm.. but ya.. cuz they didnt wanna stop driving around when i decided to stop... which is probably why they went out again.. to have more driving tiem... perhaps if i had just gone back with then said they were done... they would have called it a night. and i know its REALLY dumb to say and its like forever ago.  but... honestly. i wish people would just agree with me on that. i coudl have enticed them... perhaps to go out driving again.. and i took them over by the cemetery on.. well cemetery road cuz of the cool jump you can hit.. so i wonder if they went over that and were gonna loopa round.. like what if they wer.. ok.. yah now im being kinda dumb. but honestly.. idk what id do if i found out Ally and Keith just wanted more time together, and to hit the jump I showed them.. granted they could have gone the other way on ridge road..  but still.. idk. I feel like I had an oppurtunity to save someone, and i just made ti worse. I guess thats why i take all this shit so hard.. cuz i try to help others.. and now i feel like I could have helped Keith die. and I obviously hurt brit a lot... to try to bring this journal backto its topic. ha... now to stray again..ugh.. school wed. Im afraid.. hah. This is gonna be SO weird.. being home.. and going to school..  hopefully I'll get brits presents today or monday... ah shit.. monday is a holiday. ah and fairchild told me today that they have a home game tues. and i close tues... i think im gonna tyr to get someone to switch.. even tho.. thats what i offered to him. actually i think i asked for a morning shift.. fuckin buddy. ha. hes a nice manager but a cruel schedule maker! um. but yah i really wanted to go. and then perhaps I could just give the presents to hre sisters or something for her. Ill go and see where they are possibly... i think i can track that package. Im glad I chose standard shipping and not friggin free shipping. that would have taken to long for the purpose of the present. oh and i need to buy a card. well, Damn.. its in Mass... so it prob wont be here Tues. friggin A. er. hah. oh well ill leave it in her mailbox. I kinda wish I could see her face when she opens it tho... which is why i would to it at a bball hoping she may open it at the end. hhm. that sucks... er. I forgot monday was a holiday. damn. uum.... yah i gotta get a card tonight. im going into rite aid from 10ish-3ish. yup, tonight.. as in pm to am. cuz they are waxing the floors ro something.. and Amanda doesnt wanna be in there alone.. and i dont get paid.. but.. and i actually never said yes.. is the sad part. she just asked buddy if i could, and since he said yes.. i guess she felt i would. hah. and she said we could prob go otu and smoke... i dont want too. I dont want to smoke anymore. and im sick of her tellnig me im being dumb. i love how she says Ems a bad friend for telling me smoking is dumb.. and she does the same thing, but gets me to fuckin do it.. which is worse. But.. its ok cuz soon i will have another job.. and then i can not see her as much.. and i wont be around it AT ALL. cuz i mean there are times they arent assholes and dotn make me smoke.. but i still smell like it cuz i go over and they smoke and watch movie.. and i just sit there and get eaten by their dog.. hah. so. but... idk im afraid now of what will happen. I dont drink, smoke, or cut. Will I get a new bad habit during this stressful time.. or will i actually manage without one? hhmm.. i feel rather dumb for writing this entry. its not supposed to be in here, but once again. Oh well. its not really anything brit can't know.. or doesnt already know. i think.. hah. ok well i really need a friggin nap.. since Ive barely had 8 hours of sleep the last 2 nights combined... yah, Im looking REAAALLLLYYY pretty right now, sporting the black under the eyes, and just the eyes half closed anyways. my 4 hour shift DDDDRRRAAGGGGGGGEEEEDDDD today :( Nap time. hah. that way mother can't bother me :)

aaww.... I just remembered when she used to come into work and visit me... like after practice or something... id turn around BAM, theres my little brittles... I guess its true when they say you dont realize what you have til its gone. I guess I never really realized how she was such a big part in my life.. I prob didnt realize cuz I spent most of my time with her, and the rest of the time covering it up to certain people... like mother... who would lecture me about young people. Or other friends who'd get mad taht I was hanging out with Brit and not them... perhaps if i had jsut LIVED and not hidden it would have been easier.. although at the time that really felt easier.. and it still does. if people dont like to hear things, why tell them right?
And it was stupid reasons. Like they never said, EW BRIT DONT HANG OUT WITH HER.. all they said was, ugh.. 15 year old??? but... age doesnt matter to me so id always say, ya so what. People and I just had diff views.
yah, anwyays, sorry I just read an away message that connected thru to me working and her visiting. prob better anyways since i dont necessarliy get visitors.. but i know a lot of people that shop there so it looks like im always just talking to people. Oh and i of course get the occasional visit from zach.... er. Him and that little creature walk in.. stare at me... giggle giggle.. walk out.. like honestly.. at first i was cool with it.. its a store.. but then the 3rd time they did it.. and DIDNT buy anything... i started to follow them out. hahah
like honestly, grow the fuck up... gag vomit neighbor... gag vomit.. I see his mom ALL the time in Rite Aid just talked to her yesterday. i'd like to become cool with Zach too. IDK what his problem is with me. I didnt do anythign to him. Yah I told brit the truth... she deserved to hear it. He can get pissy about that.. why cuz I ruined him getting laid? no. Cuz I didnt,w ell. She still talked to him after I told her.. and she hated me more, and then she foudn out thru something else about him?!?! So why do I get blamed for fuckin everything
just cuz I take it??? Ill just sit hear and type in my journal instead of thinking up awful revenge?
whatever.. work time.. hooray... 945 145... lovely 4 hour shift... and i bet no one i enjoy is working... like <3 Skylar <3 haha ok thats all i enjoy

Im fucking hyper to no end.. cuz i hung out with a good friend of mine tonight.. one who doesnt judge.. and actually like.. listened to the whole brit story.. and onw its fuckin 130 in th morning and i cant sleep... but i cant type it all out right now.. like honestly this is weird.. im like.. at a loss of words about thsi situation.. im starting to get angry. instead of just upset of where we are.. im plain old angry
perhaps its because i REALLY like.. idk.. when i heard myself talk about it and someone elses input... and.. i just... am at a loss of words.. like.. i guess all i can say, is that what brit and i DONT say to eachother.. will keep haunting us... and keep ripping us apart... but i really hope.. that we can keeping finding eachother.. idk.. i just.. dont wanna get angry.
cuz.. i just.. tonight when i talked about it... i realized how much i had sacrificed.. not that i REALLY care... what i sacrificed from myself.. but.. thats just why.. im getting angry.. all i want is another shot.. a whole hearted shot... and i guess i dont get why this time... it'd gotta be this way.. i mean.. i get i hurt her.. rpobably more than shell ever let me know.. but.. er... idk see i cant even put it into words... idk i guess i just kinda felt that with all the sacrifices i've made.. i should get another shot.. even tho she doent know half of them.. maybe if she did kow them she would have given me a shot.. if she saw how much fought our friendship.. but i fought back. cuz i wanted the friendship. and i still do. but i guess thats why im getting angry. cuz i feel like i gave up so much.. and i still am.. and for what?
idk if these IMs will eventually lead to a friendship... she doesnt tell me anything.. and im just getting plain old angry.. .like.. hah.. i need to know.. things.. i need to know whats going.. she said occasional IMing and she still cant see me in person but.. like.. i wish i could just fuckin know.. i think soon i may ask her if there's any chance she could Email me the things i've done.. cuz if we don't talk about them.. i could do them again..
i obviously get the trsut thing... well the zach thing.. idk if ZACH bothered her.. the whole make out thing.. or the trust thing.. or both. and... did i cause other problems.. im sure i did.. even tho.. well i dont think i did. the whole rumor shit. after the whole crush thing, i fuckin shut my mouth
besides for the alex slip up.. i said nothing, and that wasnt even that bad.. like i was mad at brit.. so i swore. but all i really said was "Whatever.. i dont fuckin care, i hope her and nicole are happy together, with wahtever the fuck they are." and yes i mentioned brit had a crush on me to alex but um... people questioned anyways! and i discussed it with a few of my close friends.. but none of them really cared enough to ell anyone
actually they cared so little, for the 3 years i was friends with brit, they told me not to be "shes just 15 so waht... shes just doing it for attention... why do you care" but i shake the comments off.. cuz i do care, and brit meant more than the people saying the comments, cuz those people are fuckin idiots. and i guess thats why im angry.. i put up with so much shit.. cuz all i told myself was, we're friends forever. everythings worth it. i fucked it up before, she fucked it up before.. and we pulled thru, so why the fuck is this time different... why the fuck.. after.... SSSOOOO many months... am i still stuck jsut questioning everythin in this fuckin journal.
everything completely fuckin changed when i saw her at the game.. shes not the 12 year old girl i met... not at all.. im not the hero anymore.. im not the friend anymore... im probably more of a a role model of what NOT to be... id prob do her more good not to be around.. but i stick around.. until she can honestly say I DONT WANT YOU HERE.. I'll be around because... i care.. and this is what real friends do.. and i know i havent acted like a real friend at all times in the past but.. i mean.. people mess up.. i didnt know what to do when she told me certain things..
i did what i thought was right, like talking to her mother... and ya i spoke out hwen i was drunk.. but 1. people already wondered about her.. and 2. it's alex.. shes pretty harmless.. i could have told baby trista... who.. when she came up to me at the fair and asked about brit and nicole, "I said... no comment. I dont know what's going on. But I think it's awesome Brit found a good friend" AND when she tried to bribe me.. by saying she heard brit saying shit about me.. i didnt care.. i said, i still have no comment cuz i had nothing to say cuz i knew nothing..
er... whatever the past is the past.. i guess the bottom line is im jsut angry. cuz... i sacrificed a lot for that friendship.. and i know i fucked it up.. but.. it wasnt the first time.. and we always cmae back even stronger.. and if i know.. that the friendship is coming back, i'd keep sacrificing.. but i have nothing left to give.. i mean.. what else could i do?? She wont talk to me in person... she doenst usually answer my IMs.. i feel like she does eventually want me around again but... this process is MIGHTY slow and mighty painful but. like i said, im not like anyone else.. and im sticking around til she says GO AWAY... im such an ass.. hah.
THINGS LEARNED TODAY
Im an ass... still. hah.
Sacrificing is a huge risk.... but a risk worth taking
Are true friends friends forever? I'll soon find out..

Ill write tomorrow morning, Im hanging out with Annie!! Yay yay.. oh the monmouth gossip.. only in monmouth.. can a guy be a lesbian!!!

So yah.. one dream i had was that iw as playing ball... with an old friend... and everything was fine and dandy.. and the weird part.. is that after playing bball.. iw as in my room and there was an IM from her saying how we were gonn ahang out.. well, when i woke up.. i knew that wasnt true cuz... i would have left the IM up.. or even saved it.. and there was nothing.. hah.. i think its weird czu i fell back asleep twice
and i had 3 dreams i can remember.. cuz it was like.. light sleep.. but sleep.
but... that dream was jsut harsh.. hah.. well then again so wasnt another one.. involving a boy:-) that has meant a lot to me in the past... and i dreamt we were together, idk if we were TOGETHER.. but we were having fun... and i miss him a lot.. er.. ok once again.. doing this before work DOESNT work cuz now Ill be all nice and bummed for work
I WONDER IF THE GIRLS HAVE A GAME TONIGHT!?!

That was an obnoxious dream.. hah. good thing i can tell reality from dreams. i had 3 diff dreams last night!
and one of them was just ridiculous and i almost believed it
i gotta go shower and then i will write about it.

Wow... thats a little evil... asking someone to die? yikes... hah.
I did see the jeep FLY by around 1... hm... weird... that must be why.

i didnt really get time to write before work today.. i keep trying to work on my room and get nowhere.. and im still thinking about what to write about... im still reflecting.. and cant quite get it out into words yet.. hah.. which is ridiculous i know but... there's a lot to think about.. and to reflect on.. so im expecting another SUPER long entry when i get home tonight from work.. but i better go shower, since i need to be AT work in... 55min.. hah.

omg.. so pathetic.. iw as about to write another journal entry.. saying how i coudlnt write tonight.. and id have to wait til tomorrow.. and then when i clicked to open it.. POOF theres the entry i already wrote saying i cant write tonight.. im... smart. i know.. this is how i am all the time.. sleepy.. and braindead... where are my meds!

I need to write tomorrow.. I cant think tonight...

Reflections on the week... oh wait its only Tuesday..

High points of the week
* Skylar ;P
*The basketball game
*Sledding
*Snowmobiling in the woods
*Sleeping... ALL the time..
*Seeing Gouch, Brandon, and KRISTIN!! at the game tonight.. fun people.. when they arent completely wasted.. hah.
....k thats really stretching some shit.. hah...
Low points of the week
*Wayne's chemo not gonig well
*Mom asking me to move out
*Amanda's jealousy
*Amanda's dog eating me alive!
*Work
*School starting next week, NO BOOKS YET!
*NO money.. had to sneak into the game tonight.. hah
*Sold over half my movies yesterday.
*Brit's present has a shipping estimate from this friday... to the frickin 22?!?! It better get here Friday!
*Emily ignoring me at the game tonight.. guess shit isnt fixed.
ok.. im gonna stop there.. cuz this is ridiculous.. hah.

Anyways... so yah.. i went to the game tonight. i thougth it was a very good game. they played really well. They had some great plays that worked over and over again. Brit did really well also. She had to play against 30 for a while!! Shawn and I feared for her life ;P well no, not really. I knew shed be alright. she did really well against her. She boxed that bitch out, .... yet the girl coudl still get the ball. that was the cutest face ever, hah. When she boxed her out and the bitch still got the ball. what more could brit have done. i really never realized she was only 5 6... well i did.. but that was when i thought i was only 5 8 ... but soon realized i have now hit almost 5 11... if i stand up straight. but, yah like i said i thought she did well. she still doesnt get LOADS of playing time, but i enjoyed watching her play tonight.. I noticed she doesnt really shoot much.. or she didnt tonight.. But I know she does shoot cuz when i read up on the games in the paper, i see her name with some numbers next to it. even if its just one basket... hey, that means she shot! IDK i probably missed it tonight but, i dont remember her ever putting it up. I really dont see why Amero doesnt play her more, I think she does really well. I cant wait to watch some of the softball games. Whether I once again need to just show up or whether we are talking then.

Well i just got the text.. os i will have to finish this later tonight.. or tomorrow..

I will write a little bit later.. im... still taking everything in.. hah.. my head hurts... and now im hanging out with a guy.. that might attack me... for sex... great.. wonderful.. yay.. alright well if i write i survive. sighs... i feel like such an ass.... seriously. If i ever fuck up this bad with someone again... idk what i'll do.. cuz.. I just wanted to put my head into the cement wall.. I deserve it.. she should have punched me... i dont think her parents know much.. but they probably caught on tonight.. I was talking to her dad.. when i saw her coming i left... when i came back in i like.. didnt say anything.. i fuckin wanted to.. i wanted to say, good game, now come outside with me and punch me in the face. or torture me or whatever do whatever!! alright.. i gotta go.. ill write.. 11ish prob.. i hope... er. im sad.

just punch me in the face anyway.... er.. i seriously feel like such an ass. and i asked ehr why she cant speak to me.. and she couldnt really answer.. it sounded kinda like over anger still.. maybe being hurt.. who knows.. but she said i could go to the game tomororw night!!! SO guess where I will be...!! ok.. just since.. i realized this.. her IMs are so different.. and depressing.. barely any punctuation.. NO emotion... i kinda wanna ask hre if this IMing will eventually turn into a friendship.. otherwise it's probably not worth it... cuz... i think it hurts her more... and that bugs me.. god. im glad this never happened with em ro ash..
but it never really would.. I dont think i've ever known anyone or been so... like.. personally connected to someone.. and i think thats why this is erking me so much.. cuz.. like.. i get in fights with other people but.. i'd never been as close with other people than i was with brit. cuz she told me quite a bit.. and well she knows a coupel things NO other people know... so i raelly feel like... i need to do anything.. to just make her better. but i cant.. cuz she cant speak to me.. so.. i guess i will show up.. like... RIGHT at 7 or well 650ish for warm ups... i wanted to catch some of jv but.. this will be mighty awkward.. i dont wanna go back in that school. Id seriously almost rather catch an away game!
but.. i'll go.:-) I really wanna go! ive been waiting to go! I feel like im a fucking dog going for a car ride... well yah.. um anwyays.. i can't really talk about this cuz i have lots of eye make up on.. (and OH YAH DID IT FUCKIN WORK.. for future readings.. like way future when i dont remember this moment!! Skylar=hooked;-) What girlfriend!!!) hahaha so yah.. idk whether to stay in this when i go see him AGAIN or.. go into sweats... oh well. but yah.. i need to go play my army game and shoot some fuckin people before i shoot myself or my fuckin parents....
poor matt... i feel your pain buddy.. but Im smarter than you:-) I wont get caught.
I kinda wish she could see me in person, cuz I have so many fun times running thru my head... OC and CSI marathons, sledding, snowmobiling!! Perhaps a little shopping, idk theres SOOOO much.. anyways.. that was my depressing thought.. all the times we miss out on.. but hey, im just hoping SOME times come back.. even if its not til summer or fall.. trampolines:-) 4 wheelers, clouds and sun! pools! omg.. yah. depressing, watery eyes. gosh, im so dramatic sometimes and i dont even mean to be. haha

So i guess now I really now why matt wanted to blow his brains out back in hs...... its living with my parents...

This is for you Keithy..

Can't Be True

 

The Thursday night was still very young,
Keith, Allison and I needed some fun.
So the three of us got in Allison's car,
I drove around, but not all that far.
Keith popped in his Disturbed CD,
(That music will always stay with me.)
They were in the back seat on that chilling night;
I’d see them kissing at the occasional street light.
They were happy, but wanted more,
so I put the pedal to the floor.

The speedometer hit seventy and we jumped the track,
I felt the chills go up my back.
They were cheering and having fun..
But I decided that I was done.
With no license, no glasses, I drove back to the school.
Keith and Allison were bummed, because riding was cool!

I walked back in and caught the end of the game;
I talked to Emily, whose night was lame.
I informed her of what I had just done,
She said it was dangerous and scary, definitely not fun.

Allison and Keith entered the gym.
I went over and nudged Allison while staring at him,
We shared a laugh and gave each other a hug.
I went over to Keith and gave him a tug.
He turned and gave me a devilish grin;
I chuckled and pulled him close by a safety pin.
I told him to be good and enjoy his night,
He gave me a hug and replied, "Be good, yeah right!!"
I walked away not knowing the event to come.
What was wrong with me, why was I so dumb!!

Now Keith has passed away to another place,
He'll always be in my heart, he will not be replaced.
Allison is alive and rehabbing in Delaware,
What happened is tragic, it is NOT fair.
I cried many tears, but Keith is gone.
I'm trying so hard to just move on,

But what if it happened while I was the driver?
What if I had crashed, would Keith be a survivor?
I can't help but wonder if something could have been done,
Could I have changed an event when we were out having "fun"?? I will always have images of them in my head,
I will always wonder.. why Keith, why must HE be dead..

I am not wishing for Allison to be gone too,
Why take Keith, he was too good to be true...?
Why was I illegally driving an hour before fate?
I wish I had known, but the next morning was too late.

My mom walked in and what she said was true.
She said a boy named Keith died and asked if he was someone I knew..
I thought she found out about last night's car ride.
But no, she just said a girl was in the ICU and that the boy had died..
I turned on the TV onto Channel Six,
There was Ally's Sunfire.. sideways.. in the ditch.
Keith dead in the morgue, Allison lying broken in the ICU.
All I could think was that this can not be true...
Why did it happen, why was there nothing I could do.
Dear friends, gone and living, I will always love you.

 

http://www.geocities.com/run_crazy56/cantbetrue.html

hah, everytime she IMs me I hate myself... cuz instead of 24/7 IMing and hanging out.. i get occasional IMing.. that I usually miss... and... idk.. i just miss the old days... cuz there are only a few friendships I miss.. i wish i could just like.. trade friends... hah. cuz right now I see myself thinking the right way.. but going downt he wrong path...
Like Amanda... who.. after I tell her i have asthma now.. tells me "its ok my cousin smokes ALL time and she has asthma..." thats a great friend.. hah. or the fact that i feel like Im dating her.. cuz she ignores me if i talk to other friends.. like lil amanda. like wtf... I mean I do care about her... cuz i dont like how she treats me... but shes also a co worker.. so i cant just like be like FUCK off.. cuz shed make my life a living hell... but im hoping..  once i get out of this slump of only sleep and work.. hah. that i can change.. Today.. while I was watching a movie.. well like 20min ago, hahah I thought up goals that I'd like to achieve.. now I've realized... that having one true best friend.. the one you'd die for and they feel the same way about you... well.. I kinda thought I had that... but.. ya know what.. i know the chances of that are slim... so i just need to try to fix my life.. asap.. and i have goals. (!! Ok... so... i just thought of something.. Brit is gone playing.. womens bball... my uncle(s) play (used to) every sunday night also.... i wonder if her mom and my uncle go to the same gathering... weird) anwayys... ok so... Work wise.. I think im gonna start lookign for a different job.. hopefully one a little more professional, and that pays better.. something that might help me get into my actual career im going to school for... only problem.. i wanna help out with CC next year... so i need to make sure that if i do get another job.. perhaps i can still help out CC next year... and i would have asked if i could help with bball.. or drop in or like.. just be around cuz i really wanted to use the "exercise room" and i was gonna ask amero if i could come in and do stuff while he had practice but.. once again.. dont wanna upset brit.. at all so. its cool we have an elliptical anyways.. and im not ready to go work out in public.. hah. so wait.. my goals
*Fix Friendships
I want to try to fix up these.... Em and Ash.. is prett much fixed... Brit.. id love to fix that, especially now that Im in maine for good, we coudl have some fun times. Megan is lots of fun i wanna hang outw ith her. Lil Amanda also woudl be a blast to see OUTSIDE of work.. oh.. and Skylar ;) tee hee... yah enough said. that boy... i bet .. ok ya. ill stop. hahaha. um.. yah
Id like to end some friendships too... like amanda... perhaps if shawn pays me my money i will still hang out with him... pj... hes.. being sketchy...
*New Job
I want a better paying job!! ASAP!
*Better Body
Ok.. so i realized I just listed like.. the top changes in anyones life probably.. new social life, new job, new look. hahaha well, IM GONNA PULL IT OFF.
As far as the friendships go.. it can be done.. well.. brit is still a little shaky.. but lil amanda and i will prob hang out this week... and pj im avoiding.. and i will be in school soon so amanda and i cant hang otu 24/7
Which will be good since i dont wanna smoke weed anymore either!! the only time i really smoke is with amanda.. and its pretty much because.. her and eric are like, come on.... and honestly.. when their dog attacks me, i dont feel it as much.. but im only hanging out with them like once a week now.. so.. thats really not that much AT ALL. and if i didnt smoke at least once.. id be punching and cutting like a mofo probably! i always need some sort of bad habit.. and irght now.. with al lthe shit im shifting.. i need that..
I need to get my room looking good, then get the downstairs into a nice hang out..i gotta go buy some clothes... gotta get some more of my spray!!! its out :( Im no longer "cool" but trust me when i get my pay check this thurs... i will be online in a second ordering that shit. cuz it smells sooooo good. hah, i fall in love with myself :P idk i just cant wait, i have tomrorow and tues off!!! so i will haul ass on my room, perhaps go shopping.. except that i have no gas money. fuck. umm.. well i will do a lot of work at home then.. but i better go shower!! :O its almost 1 and i need to leave her in like 30min... and im still in my pjs.. awesome.. hahah well, im glad im having a motivated day :) I hope it lasts.. and i think it will :) I can't wait to get back into shape.. and RUNNING!! Ugh... ill be able to stop smoking once im running again..and ill start doing road races :) ok now im getting excited.. but i must stop.. and go shower.. and TRY to find something to wear to work today... which.. i know will be impossible since ALL my work clothes are dirty!!

oh yah.... and .. im trying to read the bible... hah.

Alright well.... i will write probably when i get home tonight... :) more about the changes.. cuz i need to rethink certain changes.. like.. not taking supplements... thats bad.. well they'd be legal.. but i can do it on my own.. i dont need diet pills or friggin bars for energy...

....Jan. 16th is coming up.....