So.. i never really finished what i was writing the other day.. idk if she still comes on here often and i didnt feel like having something misinterpreted and get her mad. I ended up pretty much writing it out.. but.. it just.. meh. too much. i know what i think... i dont need to write it. if she wants to konw, she can ask.
I wrote some poems.. the past couple of days... and its weird... cuz i wrote 2 poems.. and they are mixed... for who they are for.. which makes me laugh kinda. just... a lot going on right now, and I wanted to vent.. and usually i write a poem.. about a person.. or to the person.. or about the situation.. and this time.. it jsut.. things came on my mind and left... and.. theres a mix of people in them. Part of one of these is totally towards brit and obvious to me. but i wanan save them.. cuz ive almost lost them 10 times and even tho they have to do a lot more than just her. IDK where else to keep them. Im afraid my myspace blogs arent really private!! the fact that i always see them really sketches me out!.. ok so.. lets see here.. first one.
One More Time
Im sorry i didnt always treat you fair,
Through thick and thinI always did care.
At times everything just escape me,
Feeling I wasnt what you needed me to be.
After all this time we end up here,
and although our future is unclear
I'll always feel you deep in my heart.
But for everyday we are apart,
I'll keep you in the back of my head,
Avoiding the days i feel nearly dead.
Those days i cant look myself in the eye.
Hating myself, barely scraping by.
All because of the pain I made you feel,
Wanting to help but knowing only time will heal.
So just remember, please always know,
I'll never stop caring and waiting, where ever you go.
Because just one last time for you,
I will tear my heart in two.
Then one is a good mix up.. started off about Ian... then worked into other people.. then ended.. with all of them pretty much. haha.
Zero
Our laughter and smiles turn into endless tears,
As our memories fade over the years.
Hero to zero, love to hate.
Is this bad luck?? Is this fate??
I know I was wrong,
And it's been so long.
Since I've seen your smile.
Yah, it's been a while
Since I've heard your voice.
Sometimes I think it's for the best.
I actually had the middle piece... for a really long time.. well. since like last week. and it was actually written... about my uncle... part of it.. then i twisted it... and added the end line.. and now this is about... pretty much all my lost friendships... cuz.. this is pretty much what happens.... Kristy.. Chels.. Brit.. B... sighs.
Im glad im getting back into writing.. i mean.. i could prob write a 3 page poem on... a green car if it upset me enough. I just.. let things go.. the first poem kinda forced rhyme.. but Zero.. I really like.. cuz it really... says what i was feeling :) although i did change one little word.. that I think changed the tone. in the second stanza it was originally
"I know i was wrong/but its been son long" but... that makes it sound like i wanna hear their voice and see their smile. which.. i dont. its just.. the statement.. kinda representing the happiness gone.. cuz it wouldnt have worked well with the last line.
Ok anyways.. this has become pretty much my own personal journal now, haha. Dont have much else to say about what im supposed to.
Oh well.... I did go to some games this week. Holy awesomeness. Shes... amazing. to me anyways. I mean i dont really know the sport that well, but um.. No hitters, 2 hitter, 3 hitter... that seems pretty damn good to me. and the strike outs!!! Strike out galore!! I have SO much fun watching softball!!! its a fun sport. Its hard tho.. cuz before i used to watch just her. like last year. ppsshh like i really knew anyone else or cared. hahaha but this year. I like.. catch myself about to cheer. and Melissa mentioned being quite so i dont sketch her out. which is understandable. even good people can bother her. so im sure seeing my face isnt helpful.
I wrote some poems.. the past couple of days... and its weird... cuz i wrote 2 poems.. and they are mixed... for who they are for.. which makes me laugh kinda. just... a lot going on right now, and I wanted to vent.. and usually i write a poem.. about a person.. or to the person.. or about the situation.. and this time.. it jsut.. things came on my mind and left... and.. theres a mix of people in them. Part of one of these is totally towards brit and obvious to me. but i wanan save them.. cuz ive almost lost them 10 times and even tho they have to do a lot more than just her. IDK where else to keep them. Im afraid my myspace blogs arent really private!! the fact that i always see them really sketches me out!.. ok so.. lets see here.. first one.
One More Time
Im sorry i didnt always treat you fair,
Through thick and thinI always did care.
At times everything just escape me,
Feeling I wasnt what you needed me to be.
After all this time we end up here,
and although our future is unclear
I'll always feel you deep in my heart.
But for everyday we are apart,
I'll keep you in the back of my head,
Avoiding the days i feel nearly dead.
Those days i cant look myself in the eye.
Hating myself, barely scraping by.
All because of the pain I made you feel,
Wanting to help but knowing only time will heal.
So just remember, please always know,
I'll never stop caring and waiting, where ever you go.
Because just one last time for you,
I will tear my heart in two.
Then one is a good mix up.. started off about Ian... then worked into other people.. then ended.. with all of them pretty much. haha.
Zero
Our laughter and smiles turn into endless tears,
As our memories fade over the years.
Hero to zero, love to hate.
Is this bad luck?? Is this fate??
I know I was wrong,
And it's been so long.
Since I've seen your smile.
Yah, it's been a while
Since I've heard your voice.
Sometimes I think it's for the best.
I actually had the middle piece... for a really long time.. well. since like last week. and it was actually written... about my uncle... part of it.. then i twisted it... and added the end line.. and now this is about... pretty much all my lost friendships... cuz.. this is pretty much what happens.... Kristy.. Chels.. Brit.. B... sighs.
Im glad im getting back into writing.. i mean.. i could prob write a 3 page poem on... a green car if it upset me enough. I just.. let things go.. the first poem kinda forced rhyme.. but Zero.. I really like.. cuz it really... says what i was feeling :) although i did change one little word.. that I think changed the tone. in the second stanza it was originally
"I know i was wrong/but its been son long" but... that makes it sound like i wanna hear their voice and see their smile. which.. i dont. its just.. the statement.. kinda representing the happiness gone.. cuz it wouldnt have worked well with the last line.
Ok anyways.. this has become pretty much my own personal journal now, haha. Dont have much else to say about what im supposed to.
Oh well.... I did go to some games this week. Holy awesomeness. Shes... amazing. to me anyways. I mean i dont really know the sport that well, but um.. No hitters, 2 hitter, 3 hitter... that seems pretty damn good to me. and the strike outs!!! Strike out galore!! I have SO much fun watching softball!!! its a fun sport. Its hard tho.. cuz before i used to watch just her. like last year. ppsshh like i really knew anyone else or cared. hahaha but this year. I like.. catch myself about to cheer. and Melissa mentioned being quite so i dont sketch her out. which is understandable. even good people can bother her. so im sure seeing my face isnt helpful.
oh and when i was taking pics.. i caught myself just trying to taking pitching pics. i really wanted a good one like last year!!!! haha but never did. and I wish i could get in the good areas to take pics.. but I dont wanan freak her out. At times I feel like I do. Liek she'll throw balls. I move and shes striking people out again. Lisa gets mad at me cuz I tell her I wanna move cuz we are distracting her. and shes like ya right!!! but.. idk. its funny cuz im SO touchy about upsetting her.. yet.. Im not. like.. I was so sketched about playing soccer with kels and kristy. and i kept saying i had to go. cuz.. well i did poor zach waited an hour for me :P and they thought it was cuz brit was there.. which.. ya it kinda was. but iw as like, well no zach is waiting and they were like no no no play make him wait.. and ... I love.. playing soccer. so i just stayed.. but i was so sketched. I can't think of anythign I've done recently intentionally to upset her. If anything Im over paranoid and stopping myself form things. like once again. I will only stand in certain areas... so i hope she doesnt see me.. and if she does.. i turn around... i cant look at her. When im by the dugout and shes ... on deck.. or whatever. up next to hit... I have to walk away... or turn around. i cant look at her. like that fuckin day... a week ago. when the game was cancelled and i jumped up on the snack shack to see melissa about the times... and brit was in there.... I almost had a heart attack. but im used to it. If i didnt cope so badly then it wouldnt really matter. I did the same fuckin thing to kristy... instead of dealing with losing a friend.. i kinda act... like they are dead... which worked while i was at college.. but now that Im kinda involved.. its kinda hard if i feel like shes a zombie!?!? :P
Like that day in rite aid when i saw kristy in rite aid... i hadnt seen her in years.. and i started to shake and cry.. and she didnt get what was going on.. cuz we def werent friends at all.. .. AT ALL. yet i was like.. hugging her and shaking..... like i had seen a ghost. If I see brit unwillignly.. thats how i get now. liek at the snack shack. Its getting a lot better tho. now its just mostly when i see her and i dont expect too. thats really the only time i have issues. but.. I congratulated her at both the games. cuz once again. I have no issues with her. I got pissed when i heard she told people she controlled what games i went too. but whatever. I probably deserve much worse. Im just trying to get by.. but at times.. more for her than me. Like when ill leave somewhere in fear of upsetting her. but... now that im getting over the dead thing.. and whatever.. im learning to care more for myself then others. which.. is kinda hard. I really honestly.. keep forgetting that we arent friends anymore... cuz everything is the same.. liek melissa and the twins.. and now zach... the only thing that is different... is that her and i dont talk... yet thats like a huge thing to try to figure out. cuz i always forget. ALWAYS. hahaha. silly silly me. hard to remember after 4 years of a friendship that its gone. anwyays.. mother is like.. fuckin sitting behind me hounding me about money, men and... who knows what else is to come.
Like that day in rite aid when i saw kristy in rite aid... i hadnt seen her in years.. and i started to shake and cry.. and she didnt get what was going on.. cuz we def werent friends at all.. .. AT ALL. yet i was like.. hugging her and shaking..... like i had seen a ghost. If I see brit unwillignly.. thats how i get now. liek at the snack shack. Its getting a lot better tho. now its just mostly when i see her and i dont expect too. thats really the only time i have issues. but.. I congratulated her at both the games. cuz once again. I have no issues with her. I got pissed when i heard she told people she controlled what games i went too. but whatever. I probably deserve much worse. Im just trying to get by.. but at times.. more for her than me. Like when ill leave somewhere in fear of upsetting her. but... now that im getting over the dead thing.. and whatever.. im learning to care more for myself then others. which.. is kinda hard. I really honestly.. keep forgetting that we arent friends anymore... cuz everything is the same.. liek melissa and the twins.. and now zach... the only thing that is different... is that her and i dont talk... yet thats like a huge thing to try to figure out. cuz i always forget. ALWAYS. hahaha. silly silly me. hard to remember after 4 years of a friendship that its gone. anwyays.. mother is like.. fuckin sitting behind me hounding me about money, men and... who knows what else is to come.
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