So.. i havent written in here in forever.. since there really hasnt been a need too.... but a lot has changed.... well.. no nothing has really changed.... but.. er.. idk..
I know people say not to regret things... but... I dont think I've ever hurt someone or let someone down like i did her.. and that REALLY REALLY upsets me... and its funny.. I Looked in her profile today.... the concert... i wanted to buy her tickets too.. SHES ALREADY FUCKIN GOING. !?!?!?!?!?!? Like seriously... i thought i could pull it off... cuz its in boston.. but oh no.. shes already all set. I prob couldnt have anyway... cuz she wont talk to me so how could i get that set for her??

And its not a whole.. "try to buy her back into my life" I just really want her happy. and i know shed love to go to that.. obviously cuz shes going.. and its right around her birthday.... omg. . i just really cant believe shes going to that.
i feel asleep thinking about a lot of diff things.. and she was one of them.. which is funny cuz i can remember a couple of dreams.. and one dream was that we were fine.. i always do stupid shit like that. I go to a happy land, or to the old reality.. but thats ok, cuz then i woke up and remembered it'll probably never work. and ill continue life knowing Im a huge jackass and i could never make it up to her. but.. perhaps there is nothing to make up.. idk. i just really wanna know shes doing ok...
idk how many times we've tried being friends again.. and nothing is happening.. idk if im supposed to just jump back on the boat.. but uh hello... i hurt her... its not that im not putting effort in.. but.. she pretty much has control of what happens. i mean i can refuse things.. well she doesnt have control... she has to start things.... unless it has to do with something in general, like softball games, she needs to start it. i stopped that day by the ball fields.. prob a super bad idea since she doesnt talk to me at agames. but.. that was my shot.. super duper awkward... but. I mean, i go to softball games, not just for her, not at all. but i mean, i do enjoy watching her play like last year. whatever.. i can'tdeal with this now...
All I truly want, is to know shes ok, and happy. And if she wanted me to walk away.... I would... which.... I dont think she does... but I can just sit waiting forever. but.... i do wanna know shes alright... :-\ I really never realized how much i cared about her. Im so glad i never had any real younger siblings, hahaha. cuz thats pretty much what she was.. my lil sister... and she always will be.:-\ Whether we never speak again i know ill never forget her.
I have now, even after all the stupid games, and the whole controlling softball games shit... its weird... cuz i rank her.. with like... chels, kristy, em, ash.... who were/are my best friends... yet look at her and i?? Not quite the definition of best friends.. or friends at all... but i guess in a way we are.. cuz im sticking thru to make sure shes ok. idk if it will lead to a friendship.. but..
and i have a feeling she is doing pretty good.. summers coming.. and.. idk. sometimes i feel like i created all her problems.. but... i think her and I have changed a lot.. and if we ever do try to be friends again, i think we will see a change for the better.. cuz i dont feed off the negativity anymore.. and that seemed to be our downfall, but, im much more grown up and know how to handle certain issues i should have dealt with better last year... but.. i tend to be the type to learn by experiences.. and i feel bad she had to also...:-\ ok blah blah balh.. same shit different day, same emotions everyday, but no change. so, im done with my lil rant.
ok i lied.. i need to put in one more thing... maybes its not just that i need to know shes alright... i do put her on the same level with kristy, chels, em, ash... and i dont think anyone knows how big a deal that is... especially since i didnt realize it til she was gone... so i kinda dont wanna just know shes alright. it would be nice to have the friendship back. cuz i loved all those people and would do anything for them.. and i did lose some of those friendships too.... and i dont wanna lose this one. I dont. and i dont know what i need to do to prove to her i've changed and i wanna be friends again... cuz sometimes i really wonder if shes better of without me... and yes. I say yes.. the old me. cuz when i look back at saved convos... er. i was dumb.
and yah hindsight is 20/20.. and ive realized everything now... ive had how many months??? and when i went to her mother in Jan... that helped me realize a lot. and I really appreciated melissa talking to me.. i mean she didnt really tell me anything that she wasnt supposed to... she just.. made it reality. told me how much i hurt her.. how shed been doing.. how much shed cried cuz everyone sucked... and i trust melissa when she says to give her daughter time.. but ... i just wish during that time i had a way of knowing she was doing ok.. and i wish... idk.. i dont regret this happening.. cuz i think if we do become friends again ill be a better friend.. but.. why'd i have to put her thru so much?
my lovely mother says her and i are even now... its kinda funny.. cuz shes done some pretty bad shit to me.. hwen i think back to it.. and i obviously knew all along how important she was.. cuz i kept going back. When I thought i was gonna spend my birthday in a nice striped suit.. i thought id never talk to her again... but.. i went back.. cuz i know shes on the level of, "do everything and anything to make sure they are happy" which is why ive been so insane.. cuz i cant. anything i do right now... is.. "buying her" ... shrugs. i may have every emotion and every thought squared away in my head... but now its just filled with questions about the future... if there is one...
ok.. i feel really good now.. i had to get that whole thing out.. i really hadnt thought about it in a couple of days.. and i had been mad about her telling people she controlled when i went to games, ah.. no. hahah. sighs.. but now i must go worry about losing someone else... cuz i lost him once.. and i cant again...

it's gotta be me.. i dont realize how much i need someone til i lose them.. always... to be honest.. i really didnt think it would hurt this much wehn she was gone... but then again.. it was a bad ending to the friendhsip..
but... yah, shes up in the top 5... of friends. ill admit it! and shes on my special shelf above my bed. the lil moose and a pic she gave me... and a couple other things. like... the birthday card that said no matter what i say ill always need you...:-\:-\ Ok.. yah that kinda made me cry.. cuz im a asshole
ok i need to clean now:-\:'( and try to get a hold of... my future.. hhaha.