Im fucking hyper to no end.. cuz i hung out with a good friend of mine tonight.. one who doesnt judge.. and actually like.. listened to the whole brit story.. and onw its fuckin 130 in th morning and i cant sleep... but i cant type it all out right now.. like honestly this is weird.. im like.. at a loss of words about thsi situation.. im starting to get angry. instead of just upset of where we are.. im plain old angry
perhaps its because i REALLY like.. idk.. when i heard myself talk about it and someone elses input... and.. i just... am at a loss of words.. like.. i guess all i can say, is that what brit and i DONT say to eachother.. will keep haunting us... and keep ripping us apart... but i really hope.. that we can keeping finding eachother.. idk.. i just.. dont wanna get angry.
cuz.. i just.. tonight when i talked about it... i realized how much i had sacrificed.. not that i REALLY care... what i sacrificed from myself.. but.. thats just why.. im getting angry.. all i want is another shot.. a whole hearted shot... and i guess i dont get why this time... it'd gotta be this way.. i mean.. i get i hurt her.. rpobably more than shell ever let me know.. but.. er... idk see i cant even put it into words... idk i guess i just kinda felt that with all the sacrifices i've made.. i should get another shot.. even tho she doent know half of them.. maybe if she did kow them she would have given me a shot.. if she saw how much fought our friendship.. but i fought back. cuz i wanted the friendship. and i still do. but i guess thats why im getting angry. cuz i feel like i gave up so much.. and i still am.. and for what?
idk if these IMs will eventually lead to a friendship... she doesnt tell me anything.. and im just getting plain old angry.. .like.. hah.. i need to know.. things.. i need to know whats going.. she said occasional IMing and she still cant see me in person but.. like.. i wish i could just fuckin know.. i think soon i may ask her if there's any chance she could Email me the things i've done.. cuz if we don't talk about them.. i could do them again..
i obviously get the trsut thing... well the zach thing.. idk if ZACH bothered her.. the whole make out thing.. or the trust thing.. or both. and... did i cause other problems.. im sure i did.. even tho.. well i dont think i did. the whole rumor shit. after the whole crush thing, i fuckin shut my mouth
besides for the alex slip up.. i said nothing, and that wasnt even that bad.. like i was mad at brit.. so i swore. but all i really said was "Whatever.. i dont fuckin care, i hope her and nicole are happy together, with wahtever the fuck they are." and yes i mentioned brit had a crush on me to alex but um... people questioned anyways! and i discussed it with a few of my close friends.. but none of them really cared enough to ell anyone
actually they cared so little, for the 3 years i was friends with brit, they told me not to be "shes just 15 so waht... shes just doing it for attention... why do you care" but i shake the comments off.. cuz i do care, and brit meant more than the people saying the comments, cuz those people are fuckin idiots. and i guess thats why im angry.. i put up with so much shit.. cuz all i told myself was, we're friends forever. everythings worth it. i fucked it up before, she fucked it up before.. and we pulled thru, so why the fuck is this time different... why the fuck.. after.... SSSOOOO many months... am i still stuck jsut questioning everythin in this fuckin journal.
everything completely fuckin changed when i saw her at the game.. shes not the 12 year old girl i met... not at all.. im not the hero anymore.. im not the friend anymore... im probably more of a a role model of what NOT to be... id prob do her more good not to be around.. but i stick around.. until she can honestly say I DONT WANT YOU HERE.. I'll be around because... i care.. and this is what real friends do.. and i know i havent acted like a real friend at all times in the past but.. i mean.. people mess up.. i didnt know what to do when she told me certain things..
i did what i thought was right, like talking to her mother... and ya i spoke out hwen i was drunk.. but 1. people already wondered about her.. and 2. it's alex.. shes pretty harmless.. i could have told baby trista... who.. when she came up to me at the fair and asked about brit and nicole, "I said... no comment. I dont know what's going on. But I think it's awesome Brit found a good friend" AND when she tried to bribe me.. by saying she heard brit saying shit about me.. i didnt care.. i said, i still have no comment cuz i had nothing to say cuz i knew nothing..
er... whatever the past is the past.. i guess the bottom line is im jsut angry. cuz... i sacrificed a lot for that friendship.. and i know i fucked it up.. but.. it wasnt the first time.. and we always cmae back even stronger.. and if i know.. that the friendship is coming back, i'd keep sacrificing.. but i have nothing left to give.. i mean.. what else could i do?? She wont talk to me in person... she doenst usually answer my IMs.. i feel like she does eventually want me around again but... this process is MIGHTY slow and mighty painful but. like i said, im not like anyone else.. and im sticking around til she says GO AWAY... im such an ass.. hah.
THINGS LEARNED TODAY
Im an ass... still. hah.
Sacrificing is a huge risk.... but a risk worth taking
Are true friends friends forever? I'll soon find out..