all I must write is... who really knows anymore. Hah. I kinda wish I could jsut roll up in a little ball in my room... and that'd be it.. cuz.. Me and people... aren't mixing right now... especially at work.. hah.. yesterday was pleasent when Amanda wouldn't even talk to me cuz I was hanging out with Lil Amanda.. and then she brought her power into it and bitched at me... well fuck that. oh oh.. and i;ve been thinking a lot about this whole bball game thing..
I'll NEVER.. go to a guys game.. but i really wanna see the girls game, and i wanna be able to talk to amero and everything... but brittles said she's not ready to see me yet... and IDK if that counts bball games... cuz i really dont wanna irk or upset her. cuz if just the sight of my face... angers or upsets her.. or whatever it does. I dont really wanna do that. I think that'd be really fuckin... well unfortuantly the first word that comes to mind is annoying..
cuz thatd suck if i couldnt even go to games cuz she didnt wanna see me.... she probably wouldn't really see me anyways.. i def wouldn't sit in the bleachers... i'd probably go up by the stage and just stay up there.. or.. idk sit on the opponents side.. idk.. i dont really wanna go anyway... well lets see... I wanna see hwo the girls team is doing... but I dont wanna see anyone in the stands... and I do wanna see how Brit is doing @ bball... cuz, like that LLLOOONNNNGGG ass entry said, i still care:-) and on how wonderful it is to still care in such a situation. If i had the power, it'd be fine. cuz right now I'd be like, damn this sucks, im gonna talk to her. but.. its not my choice. idk..
i still see this no matter what.. not ending (well not ending but) well... for me anwyays. cuz i feel like a little lab rat or something. that she can poke at every so often. cuz.. i mean.. idk if im supposed to IM her also or what. I haveno idea.. she doesnt tell me!!! I've been thining about this a lot more over like.. the past 2 days cuz... surprisingly this is the only one i can think about and not wanna just curl up in a ball... cuz i still have hope that somethign good will happen... i just wish she'd talk to me about whatevers happening.. like.. what is it that has REALLY erked her to the point where she doesnt even wanna see me....
that really really really makes me feel like an ass... it just seems like theres a lot more that Im not hearing about... lets just hope sooner... well or later.. just sometime.. she can make a decision and either idk.. all i know is i wont be able to put up with this forever... at one point.. I WILL turn into everyone else... for my own safety.. cuz waiting... is the most painful choice ever... well i shouldn't say choice.. .waiting for anything... a friend... money... death... ANYTHING.. just waiting.. and it's not even about the whole patience thing...
id say ive had a pretty good patience level.. if i didnt i wouldnt be typing this right now.. hell we probably would already be strangers.. but the whole surprise aspect.. that i DONT like.. that.. i coudl "waste" like... months.. or i could have "wasted" years... if she jsut ends up shrugging me off... and yet i still waited all this time.. i've been waiting since what... september... october?? how much more do i have to do?? Im not IMing her cuz i dont wanna push her.. but i feel that Im still there. when she IMs me I gladly talk when im there... i just dont know what else to do without pushing.. and im not pushing anything.. cuz... i dont know what to push for... idk what she needs... i lost that "connection" as i called it a while ago..
whether shed like to admit it or not.. and whether i would too.. over the summer... when we hung out.. in person... i bet i coudl have called every moments purpose and every thought in her head... NO JOKE... even at the softball games.. when she was pitching... i swear i knew at times what she was saying to herself.. or thikning... which is why i dont wanna let this friendship go.. and now i just remember a whole hell of a lot of fun times.. softball games were fun to me... oak hill, telstar:-), jay (MVCs) home games.. i think i only went to 3 away games.. but hell.. telstar is AWAY! hah.. alright well my parents are leaving.. so i have the house to myself til i go to work.. 1:45-1015...:-(
I just realized I never checked on fridays game!! the girls game.. usually i work the next day and i look in the paper to see who scored and what not.. but brit told me they won so.. i thikn im sitll gonna look it up online realy quick...