omg... so.. omg.. i just remembered the most insane thing today... like.. INSANE..... so.. i was at work.. and a little jumpy... and i was going ot walk by the registers to go to photo.. and i go to walk behind a few customers.. and i kinda walked in front of a mother.. and a young lady.. and i didnt look up right away.. just said excuse me and kept going... then... idk.. i just looked up.. so i wasnt an ass.... and there was Chelsea... my old best friend... like.. she helped me through SO much... like honestly.. shes probably the person that helped me most.. through things... like... idk. her and kristy, were amazing.. and..
it was really weird seeing her.. her or kristy.. like when i saw kirsty.. same thing happened today.. like.. i started shaking and stuttering.. cuz.. idk it ... like i said before.. its like.. almost like they died.. cuz id idnt see them for so long.. idk.. its how i cope.. hah. idk.. but it was... SO fuckin weird... to see her.. and she
looked like.. the same... totally the same.. it was.. idk so weird.. and idk. i cant even write about it.. its just like.. she meant so much to me. cuz she did so much for me.. like honestly... i probably wouldnt be writing this entry right now if she didnt help me. which may sound super lame.. but.. she helped me thru the time with my brother.. she helped me thru some sport stuff.. she helped me with my college stuff.. which.. so did kristy.. idk.. Chels helped me deal with a lot of external problems.. while krsity helped me deal with a lot of internal problems.
which is probably why chels is put at 2 and kristy at 1.. overall for who HELPED ME the most.. idk.. it was just.. idk. it was weird cuz like.... its like the best.. but worst time for her to show up.. like.. it brought up a whole buttload of like.. horrible.. AND WONDERFUL.. memories.. but then its depressing cuz its over.. but then.. when i think about the bad times.. it kinda gives me hope for right now... cuz i kinda had some of the same situations then.. so it reminded me of the times when i pulled thru...
and now.. i know i can do it again.. well.. hopefully.. but there's one problem...hah.. i have all the problems.. well actually i honestly have worst problems.. but i dont have a "chelsea" right now.. which is why i get scared.. cuz like i said.. i probably wouldnt be writing if i didnt have her.. and now im going thru more, and i dont have that friend helping me... But i guess.. perhaps that means I am changing and growing stronger..
i mean.. i havent cut... well.. i have but not much at all.. idk but i dont cut nearly as much as ai used to.. but .. i do.. well i have.. well i havent for quite a while.. i think the last time was at college.. or maybe like.. .2-3weeks ago.. but its not as bad as it used to be.. and now i just erally punch more. like last week when Zach and the lil bitch came into rite aid.. JUST to bug me.. like walked in... looked at me.. giggled.. then walked out pretty much..
i played punched bag with the walls up by the register.. hah... well thats pretty much what has changed.. instead of cutting over anything.. or nothing.. i can only do it when i have a panic attack.. but now i can pretty much punch over everything.. hah.. idk i think i have an anger issue... cuz.. sometimes.. i just really cant control myself.. and i scare myself.. like when zach came in the first time.. poor lil amanda was trying to help me and talk to me and calm me down.. but i told her to just walk away... cuz i was so afraid id like go after her.. thats really MY major problem..
is the anger.. so many problems have sprung up.. im just so snappy.. with certain issues.
well i gotta go to bed so... sighs..