dear malden,
(code name for any one who could classify as a secret hole in which one can vent information into and then suck up into a void of blackness...)
i feel like my life is at a standstill. my entire life i have been told that i am a failure, that i am not good enough, that someone is always better than i. it was my own parents who quickly taught me that this was my value's worth but it could be myself who confirmed this notion: i am nothing.
every time i get something that i am content with in my life, i mess it up. if i am not doing something where i am one hundred and ten percent comfortable in my own bitter sadness, and if i start to become a woman whose heart breaths warmth, then i tend to lean towards finding a way to become saddened anyway. i manage to hurt the only thing that means the most to me, in the words that i choose to use.. I FAIL.
now three years since i have completely broken free of my parents grasp, i still FAIL at all relationships that get close to my heart. my friends i keep an arms length away, my parents a mile, and my boyfriend i manage to hurt despite my desperate attempts in the other direction.
if you've ever known what it's like to be the cause of a deep wound in someone's heart, then i feel sympathy for you. i also know what this is like... and i know what it's like to wake up, live through a day, and go to sleep thinking about nothing other than the fact that you were the one who held the knife. i know what it's like to wish that you were anyone else in the world other than the person that you are-- a heartbreaker.
sometimes i blame my parents for this title. othertimes i blame whoever i happened to hurt that week. but most of the time, i know exactly whose fault all of this mess has been created around: me.
venturing away from these titles are almost impossble, i have discovered over the past few years. once you earn a title, you keepa title, you continue to master the title until people start to see you differently, if they EVER do change their views of you.
i fear that that is what is happening in my life. i have been told that i am heartbreaker. i know deep within my chest that that is what i am. every single day of my life i am reminded of this fact, and i feel "heartbreaker" tremble from the tips of my toes through my body and sizzle within my soul.
i know what i have done, and as much as i try to rewind or change things for the better or make the future a strong one, i never succeed. i feel like i am beating my head against a brick wall at times, but as much as i keep beating, nothing is breaking but the faith slipping out from within my bones.
however, i have also learned that titles are only manmade. and unlike the butterflies that flutter on your shoulders in the summertime, or the butterflies that flicker in your belly when you've fallen head over heels in love; titles have been created by humans, given to humans, and are able to change human relationships in a way that can resurrearte faith altogether.
so you see, as much as this title of heartbreaker injures my soul, it only makes the faith within me stronger. it tells me to keep fighting, keep pressing for the elimination that i am more than the names that humans give one another, but most importantly "heartbreaker" reminds that if you beat your head against a brick wall long enough, it eventually will break through.
c. kristina
soon please do forgive
not asking to forget
please do remember
i will forever regret.
with time we will mold
with time we are mending
trust will mesh us together
bring our new happy ending.
(http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=15161190&blogID=77875687&MyToken=3f540f51-79dd-438b-ba27-f92f856793a3)
It's so weird to me... her writing this at the same time im about to just flip my lid cuz i dont know why i do the things I do... but then i read that.. and just like.. nodded thru the whole thing pretty much.. and felt so relieved after... cuz she had explained my exact problem also.. alright well i gotta get some food... ill write later I suppose.
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