Thought to be "The End"

OK... so.. i was supposed to write in here last night.. but i got home from work around 5ish... and cooked my parents some dinner... well my mom... my dad was still gone with my uncle... he took him down to boston for his chemo :( but.. we arent even gonna touch that lovely topic right now.. hah. But yah.. I called shawn.. and asked him what to do about people... cuz... i was pretty much just completely lost.. like.. i feel like Im doing the right thing with people.. but nothing's happening... like..  er... idk.. i better make a list.. so i write about everything...
Brit.. since thats what this is for. haha IDK if i should write the rest.. well its nothing that she can use against me.. and she prob wont care to read it all so whatever, she can if she pleases... if she even still reads this.. but.. er... list. not writing already.. see how badly i need to write! I cant even make a list!
OK... Brit, Em&Ash/Amanda, Lil Amanda, Past friends, Nicki, Boys, Dying Uncles, school, parents.
Hmmm... i think the first 2 topics are really gonna wear me down... hah IDK if i can get thru the rest.. hell.. I wont lie.. the first one is gonna kill me. Ok.. lets see, if I can make this make sense to myself...
sighs.. ok.. well i will have to do this is two parts.. Im gonna write what I was originally going to yesterday... since i woke up this morning to a Hi from her... Im just gonna kinda ignore that for right now... cuz.. that coudl have been a nice hi.. or it could have been... a waiting for me to come back to bitch me out.. who knows. So... onto what i was gonna type yesterday...
The subject of the entry... ok.. this is kidna how i began looking at my friendship with her... I began looking at it like a book... but, an unfinished one... almost like right now... I have nothing else to "write" (or in other words, nothing else to give or offer) yet I feel like the book isn't finished... BUT instead of just tossing it off to the side.. Id just set it someplace close to me on my desk and way for the moment... if it ever comes.. to write anoher chapter... That probably sounds wicked wierd... but..  hah... now i will write about it in normal terms..

I feel.. like I was put on this earth to do one thing.. like honestly.. which this is probably my biggest problem... and dont worry Im working on it.. but I feel like.. the whole purpose of MY life... is to better other peoples lives.. and to help them.. even if it puts me 2 steps back... as long as they take 1 step.. or a 1/2 step forward.. then i was doing the right thing... now.. only 1 person.. has really been driven deep in my heart because of this.. since.. only 1 person in my whole life.. really opened up and let me help them... which.. was brit. well.. other people let me help them.. but her and i, we had a friendship built.. what i thought... was a very solid friendship... I mean.. it got thru... MANY things... her mom, my mom, the journal/crush incident, me going to college... etc... we got thru a lot.. and when i look at all the people I know... technically.. and not so technically... she was my best friend.. especially over the summer... but its hard.. with that... cuz age did matter a little bit.. cuz i was trying to figure out college stuff.. which... i can't really talk to her about.. well I could TALK to her about it.. but, she probably wouldnt have much advice.. hah. Cuz I must admit.. the time.. out on the trampoline.. when i told her the things that were ALWAYS on my mind.. that felt really good to talk to her. and she was really cool with it. like being supportive and also crackin jokes so i didnt feel dumb. She's easy to talk to, but I just always felt certain topics i just shouldn't cuz i didnt want to make her feel out of place or something...
but.. with all that said.. that probably didnt need to be said.. ok.. so.. now.. I decided. Oh yah i think i already wrote this in here.. but.. I never gave her the Xmas present.. cuz we aren't talking much.. and it's expensive... and... if she was never gonna talk to me again and just take the present... that would have been really friggin mean.. hah. which i dont think she would have done that.. but when i asked her about it.. she was just like i dont care do what you want.. but she didnt wanna SEE me... so i figure if someone can't even see me in person... should i give them an xmas present.. so.. i still have it tho.  and when I feel, that it'd be worth giving to her.. I will! when i feel it wont be a COMPLETE waste..  oh and i have the receipt just in case i gotta switch it... 
ok well... so, pretending i didnt get the hi... from here on.. i wanted to just.. start.. to.. not forget.. but.. well kind of forget.. not about the past.. but forget about any chance of a friendship in the future... BUT... in forgetting.. I still wanted to be able to pick up the friendship at any time if she did... which is why this is so hard.. cuz i really cant forget... Im technically waiting.. hah.. but waiting hurts.. so i started to try to forget.. but wait. hah. idk. it doesnt work tho... and some people tell me, "just forget about her, she's 15 and shes just gonna upset you" and i'll be honest, ive tried to say that in my head to forget. but... there's one line.. well.. kinda 2 that keep going through my head.. 1.. the birthday card she gave me.. saying how she'd ALWAYS need me no matter what she said... however.. I dont think she ever expected me to do what i did.. which i guess when she found out she'd forget the actions.. and look at the purpose.. hah. cuz.. Im not with Zach right now.. like. I didnt really get anything out of it.. and then i eneded up losing my friendship with her.. but.. I was.. messed up over the summer.. and i guess i didnt see anything wrong with how i handled the situation.. and im glad im not that fucked up anymore.. cuz.. hah. that was bad. just like when i made the meal for her.. and she showed up.. and i was.. intoxicated.. NOT cool. but.. yah the birthday card... which.. even if that did have a little note at the bottom stating what would end the friendship.. hah... but if it had that.. ahh.. where did i leave off.. sorry, had to send an email.. from my new email... jeez.. ill prob still be here typing when she goes to school.. haha.  ok.. i lost all thought.. hah... ok.. OH OH OH. sorry.. my mom just came in.. and im sure my dad will be in shortly.. hah.. my journal entries are so weird.. hah. anyways.. the main statement that keeps popping into my head.. well i take that back.. it never leaves my head... hah.. is that i always told her.. Im not like everybody else... I am gonna be there until she can prove she doesnt want me there... which even with this whole mess we are in now... she's never said, I DONT WANT YOU HERE... which i wouldnt completely believe.. but.. thats why im giving her the control.. im backing up.. im forgetting but waiting.. hah. cuz.. i wanna be there for her if she wants me there. cuz im not like anyone else.. i will be there thru anything if she wants me there, I will try to give her anything I can, and do anything I can for her. Cuz... thats my job.. hah. well i shouldnt put it that way.. but thats my purpose.. my life is to be used.. to help others.. and.. I do want to help her.. and if she cant be helped (In the way that there is nothing to help with) I want to be friends with her and spend time with her and hang out, like during the summer!
so.. hah.. my plan was to just.. wait things out.. to hear from her.. cuz it's to the point where she gets to choose.. so Ill forget/wait.. but the thing that sucks.. is that 1...  we aren't talking about what we are so angry about.. it'd definitely help to just get everything out.. whether we just talk.. IM.. E-mail, SNAIL MAIL! cuz obviously in person is out of the question.. but. I think it'd help if we got to ask eachother questions.. and to just say what we are upset bout... and like i've said even if we talk, it doesn't mean we are friends again. it just means that everything is out there.. like.. she might be able to decide easier if she knew everything and got to ask me questions... or idk maybe she's made her decision. but, honestly, talking helps. cuz if her and i become friends again.. and we get in a fight.. i bet anything.. that one of us would drag something up about this time... and then a small little debate... could end the friendship.. again. hah. wow.. ive been writing for about an hour.. on and off.. good music videos have come on, mothers come in, etc. but.. idk.. Um.. as for the Hi... I guess I ahven't decided if Im gonna IM her back.. but.. well I won't be able to anyways, cuz i work all night... and thats the other thing.. what happens if i see her somewhere.. does her mom know we aren't talking.. she must cuz im sure she knows Im home on break.. but.. cuz Shawn told me he saw them in Kwik Shop on... Wed night I believe...  what if i was with him.. that would have been ... awkward? cuz she would have like.. prob walked by the furthest way possible.. and maybe her sisters woudl say something.. and im guessing her mother wouldnt.. hah.. and I'd actually feel bad about being somewhere that she was... since she doesnt want to SEE me... I'd feel like I did something wrong.. like I should have known she was gonna be there... hopefully she will tell me when she doesnt mind seeing me.. cuz.. I'd like to catch some basketball games.. i have next tuesday off... so i think I might try to go.. especially if it's home.. i just.. might.. idk. Stand by the door like i did the ONLY other game I've gone too. hah. idk.. i need to sleep again tho.. I close today.. 145-1015... yay.. and.. this journal entry.. is sad and depressing.. cuz either way I get hurt.. not that it really matters to me. but Im trying to do the whole "do things for yourself" to SOME extent... and.. no matter what in this situation.. i get hurt.. cuz... 1. If I wait/forget.. and nothing ever happens.. waiting and trying to forget.. hurts... I hate using the word Forget.. its really not what I mean at all. hah but.. idk what word to use OMG OM GOM GOMGOMGOGMGM THE GHOST OF YOU VIDEO IS ON!!!!! OM GOMG OMG I LOVE THIS SONG!!! wow.. ok now i think i can type about even more!! omg... pumper upper!! hah.. weird.. hah. um.. so yah 1. if i wait and she doesnt want to be friends, i get hurt. 2... omg.. im so.. not able to type during this song.. 2... if we become friends again... ill just always have this strike against me.. and i know i'll give myself a lot of shit.. i think i had a different 2.. but im feeling nauseated.. and this song is gonna make me cry.. hah. it's a war video.. ok i will have to write more later.. im pretty much done with the brit stuff tho.. and thats all thats supposed to be in here so.. OMG SUCH A COOL VIDEO!.. thats so weird.. i JUST switched the channel and it came on... Thanks 0:)    uumm... anyways.. yah.. idk what will happen with the hi. I wont be home til 1040ish.. and.. then i open tomorrow.. so she will probably think im ignoring her.. but.. work blows.. and i get wonderful hours.. hah. i should probably charge my battery for my lap top.. since im still in bed, hahaha. where i have been for over 12 hours now.. yah.. but thats a WHOLE other story also.. hah. so much... yet.. ok yah. um. Im done writing for now. Let's hope, me proving Im not like anyone else, will prove that I really do care and wanna help.. and not that Im like a sketchy stalker or something.. good... morning... :/ holy entry... hah