ppparrtttt 2

So yah... um... 3 main things I suppose. In the long run, age... was a factor... but I guess I never realized it... but I spent most of my time doing 3 things. The first, was playing an image. Depending on who I was around ... would depend on how good of friends Brit and I really were.... most of the time tho it was to save myself from lectures. Like from my mother. But.. thats not something I should have been doing. I thought it was helping, cuz with all the lectures I got after I stopped doing that, it sucked. I really dont feel at times I was ashamed to say we were friends. It was just honestly like, I dont want the lecture. I can handle the faces but.. ugh. People are too stuck on images. And too stuck on being bitchy about peoples choices. ugh. anyways.. yah, oen things was trying to control how people perceived the friendship... one other thing... was that I felt.. kinda like it was my job to make sure she was OK. after we got really close... I felt almost like it was one of my reasons for living. To help her.. and make sure she was alright... Which... OBVIOUSLY made me do some wacko fuckin shit.. but... its about her being ok... in the end. Like AFTER all the dust settled, I wanted her to be happy.. not thinking that getting there is more than half the battle... (Hence Hindsight being 20/20). And I will say, I put a lot of my life into making her happy. or wha ti thought i was doing. but what i didnt see is i was kind of trying to live thru her. She reminded me a lot of myself when i was younger... and I started to live thru her, cuz she took different paths than me, ones I wished I had taken... and i kinda.. just, yah started living thru her. Which is why it was so fuckin weird when we stopped talking, cuz.. like literally I lost a part of me. Which, I dont think its totally bad what I did, cuz I cared about her a lot, cuz I DIDNT want her to make my mistakes. I just started to take it too far. Then.. the 3rd thing... trying to live upto what she thought I was... back when she first met me.. she wrote about me in a hero paper. When she told me that, I wasnt sketched out, I honestly wasnt even flattered. Cuz I didnt see why. I didnt see why AT ALL... she would look up to me. even if i wasnt mentioned in a paper.. I couldnt believe she looked up to me so much. And... that.. destroyed me. Especially after I started feeling like it was my duty to protect her... cuz then what am I supposed to do. a hero SHOULD be able to protect her.. yet I was hurting her. Like when I tlaked to her mother about her. It felt like th eonly way to protect her.. yet it made her never wanna speak to me again. So i felt I betrayed the image... which Im guessing she hasnt looked up to me in a long time.. cuz from my then end of my senior year was pretty much my downfall.... but.. and im NOT saying its her fault. She didnt build me up.  I just probably took things in different ways. Like when she'd trust me with things... like problems she had... and I obviously can't help her with certainthings... Like her past... htes... why didnt I know her then, i could have helped. I just.. I felt like I never really gave her enough... I could never really be what she saw me as or wanted me to be..  Like she always thought I was so much smarter, or so much funnier, or whatever she really thought I was. like I was really not even half as great as she thought. Which.. was kinda my own personal issue causing problems in a friendship. Low self-esteem. IDK.. I think all thi is probably really jumbled.. but for when i read this.. years in the future. and.. i think this hit me so hard too.. cuz certain parts of these I can see in other friendships... like Kristy.. she was trying to help me.. so I tried to act like what she wanted..e ven though i really wasnt better.. and id try to do anything for her.. but all she wanted was to see me better.. but i was too busy faking it to get better.. I can see it in all of them.. I never felt like I'd be good enough to be Ems friend. that she was too good for me... the last 2 are really the biggest things, I just have an issue being me. I dont know who i am... well. I cant say that, cuz I've made some insane progress. I do know who I am now.. but before, I'd be whoever they wanted me to be. Keyword they meaning GOOD FRIENDS.. so I wasnt a totally lost:P Usually certain traits i already had would come out more or fade a wee bit.. but yah.. i need to make sure when i help people.. i dont go to the extreme.. an di think i did with brit cuz.. liek this summer. well one key was I had a blast with her. but 2... i was.. not right over the summer. I pretty much felt... my life was done... so i focused on my friends who needed me.. and prety much devoted myself to them. Hence why I drove to Telstar and Jay for games, I ONLy went to Ems big meets... and yet I was driving to Brits telstar game?! see. I have jsut as much fun with both fo them... but.. i was hoping by being at her game, it'd lift her spirits. not that she needed to be happier. Although i really did enjoy watching her play, I love watching high school sports.. it seems pure to me.. idk.. its weird. anyways not the point.
Yah... living thru people or for people. I just fuckin need to be me. the reason things with brit got as bad as they did... all i wanted to do.. was give her what she wanted... which... I couldnt.. and I guess thats when I lost it.. cuz.. i mean.. i could have, but I couldnt. so.. it made me feel... like i wasnt living up to what she needed... and.. i just went downhill from there with her. Even though things would have been fine if I could have just chilled out. In high school.. i had an issue with proving my friendship thru objects. I was often told by my friends they were upset cuz they felt i was buying their friendship.. but my main issue was that i NEEDED them to know i cared.. and all i could do was... buy them that whoopie pie they craved, or that poster they wanted on their wall. which i stil will spend too much on my friends. but i also try to do too much. ugh. imnot writing about this anymore. it's pathetic.. like honestly I lost friends for OVERCARING. which I totally understand that I should have but.. like.. most of the time people lost friends cuz "they never really cared" well.. I lost friends cuz I care too much. Oh well... cant change the past. but ocne I care about myself more that will all change. when you really dont care about yoruself, you need someone to care about.. and thats what i did... sighs.. i love firguring things out.. **I've cried today over this whole idea... 4 times... and i realized it.. @... 3:30 i think.. and its 9.. but i think they are kinda tears of joy, like YAY IM REALLY GETTING BETTER... but also like.. wtf why couldint i really SEE that...  oh well, cuz things are turning around. Im getting away from weed, havent been drunk in who knows how long, have cutten in a while too, Im starting to know who i am, oh goodness, hahaa Im done. hooray!!

(Note: I just filled in the msuic listening to.. which im not listening ot that song..welll i did for a while, but I dont wanan forget that song, cuz I dont wanna forget the video.. like wtf?! or what the video reminds me of ;P)