i hate myself.... a lot. she was probably better off without me in her life.. :'(:'( I really really er... i need to pay...
ugh... i just dont get how to say things... eerr.. i piss myself off... its 2 different issues im dealing with... the one with jsut me.. and whats going on and what that means with me perosnally... then theres the whole... us thing... and ugh... well one thing is that it doesnt feel like a mike thing... im not saying theres anything more than friends.. well i am.. but not in that way perhaps.. but... idk... she makes me happy. just having her in my life made me 200% happier than the day before... like her cell phone being broken.. kills me.
idk whatever... it doesnt matter anyways.. cuz contact off. so that will solve one issue... except that it didnt really bother me.. we just saw it in different ways obviosuly... and my thinking fucked it up.. so whatever... i jsut.. idk.. today seemed great... idk. i jsut know what i need to tell myself.. and im doing that now.. cuz... maybe shes right.. not thinking is the way to go.. cuz i dug msyelf quite a hole right now.

i treat her in a different way than i feel. and im just fuckin with my head. I love her.. but not in THAT way... but then we do what we do.. so i feel like.. =-O maybe i do.. but its just.. i feel so close to her... that doing that doesnt matter.. and i act the i do with her with everyone.. i jsut.. no touchy. haha. but. shes just i cant say like a lil sister anymore, haha. a best friend.... i guess. idk. there's no way to describe it..
which is i guess why i feel so fucked up... and thats probably why she thought she saw a mood change.. cuz when i was thinking about the shorts thing... that'd be a ginormous step. and i couldnt have done it then... but i guess since i got close.. and she mnetioned something.. it just had me wondering.. like.. what woudl she do. woudl that make her uncomfortable.. or does she say it jsut so i dont freak out. does she think im uncomfortable...
wellwe seem to be talking... so i guess i will be cutting back on this right now