I wonder what it is that makes me be the one to get punished??? Why she still talks to ZAch but not me... we both did the same things wrong... is it because he confronted her and put it all on me... does she really believe EVERYTHING he says.... maybe once he moves on to the next girl she'll finally see. Maybe it's her age... or maybe shes got something to prove with him. I know this isnt the first time shits happened with her and i... but.... everytime whether a couple weeks, months or a eyar later we talk again... and idk if i can do that again... idk if shes playing games or what..
i know shes 15 but she still needs to grow up. if she doesnt want anything to do with me, she needs to say it. Cuz Im doing this for her.. i dont have to let her read this.. especially if shes just gonna go make fun of me with the reason her and i arent friends anymore. If i didnt care about her I'd be dealing with a lot less shit right now. So now i guess I need to figure out is... is all this shit worth waiting around... prob not.. since this time it was more of a choice of a person.. she would have been better off talking to neither of us.. cuz at least Im gonna be fuckin honest now.. i learned my lesson... and shes too fuckin blind to see him. Whehter he has those intentions with her or not shes gonan get hurt... whether he just uses her... or uses other girls while hes supposed to be iwth her.. something liek that..
shes gonna get hurt....the shit he started telling me again about him in girls... hah at least shawn got me to laugh about it by telling me something absolutely fuckin hilarious... that i could see being true... but, i guess theres not point in putting that in here since it's about him and not her.
he really fucked me over in a lot of ways... i lost a friendship... he got me into smoking weed... ever since him i really have an issue with trust.. mostly with guys.... he made himself out to be the perfect guy... and he was completely full of lies.. to me anywyas.. idk.. maybe he jsut wanted to fuck a 20 year old or maybe he just wanted to conquer me personally.. well im glad he never did.. I just dont get why he gets the good end of the deal when ehs the one thats seems to be fuckin with everyone.. he's the one that wanted to hang otu with me most of time.. i wanted get to know him.. cuz i just heard tons of bad shit from people.. even fuckin andrew!! One of those nghts he was over there.. his exact words to me "Ya know Zachs just looking for ass right??? Whehter its you, your friend, or some other girl. I mean dont get me wrong hes a great guy just with bad intentions...."
thats real great if his best friend fuckin tells me that.. and him and andrew have like wars with girls.. who can sleep with what girl the fastest... great.. hah... but yah... we both started talking online and talking about hanging, and he came to me about brit.. cuz he really cared about her and she was treating her weird is what he was saying. so i just told him that she had a lot on her mind and that she probably wasnt sure as to whether or not she wanted to trust him yet. I todl him she did the same thing to me... but then he mentioned some differnet things that happened between them.. like sexual things.. how she might do somethign for him oone day... adn the next she didnt want to see him.... then that was the night my parents were gone and he spent the night... and it was just really nice cuz we talked, he told me about his ex.. and we talked about sex a lot.. it was kinda werd...
he ended up admitting to me he had a crush on me freshman year. he talked about how when he hung out with allison and id talk to her he was suprised i wouldnt see him get all shy.. truthfully i dont really remember seeing him with her at all... cuz prob most of the time she was leaving school and i barely saw her. but.. and swear to god... he was the one .... sighs.. who started the teasing.... like 8 hours of teasing, adn yah i teased back... but i refused to do anything.. for 2 reasons... her... and my somewhat bf at the time... and i kept telling him that. i was like waht about b.. and tom... and hed just reply "i know.. but this is just so insane...you and me here.." and yah...
it did suck.. cuz i felt it.. we clicked right off... and yah.. i fell hard for him... but then i reminded myself i had tom... he was 17... and he was interested in my friend.. and itd be awesome if him and i stayed friends... and yes... by the time i had to work... or get ready for work.. we made out... holy crap.. we kissed.. big freakin deal.. sad part is 1.. i realized then if we kissed... he'd say B who? and if i just played little fling....... he'd leave her alone.... so we kept hanging out never doing anything more than a few kisses here and there, like good night kisses and such... and yah like i said we clicked and i fell hard..
but the first time things happened.. it was even to kiss him.. it was the fuckin fact he teased me for like 8 fuckin hours...hahaha. actually i didnt really like it cuz we had gotten so close.. i felt awkward kissing him.. like.... i knew what he wanted in a girl... i knew what he liked in sex.. and what turned him on and what didnt.. and it was awkward to barely konw a guy.. but know that about him.. and there was no way i was gonna "let him down" cuz i enjoyed the friendship part more.. so that was supposed to stay our little secret.... and that sad part is that worked... until she found out... cuz in the end he pissed me off.. he found other girls plural.. and got in a lot of trouble with girls and the law this summer...
and thats when i realized that the boy i started to fall for.. im pretty sure... was all a lie.. he was the guy i wanted him to be... and i really wanted to piss my friend off and lose the friendship, i would have DATED him.. cuz i told him... we werent dating.. i was dating tom.. i'd put up fights when he touched me or wanted me to kiss him. but it really seemed to work.. she was so wrapped up in summer softball and nicole that i dont thnk she even really realized he was gone... and i was happy.. cuz i just didnt want zach being another mike... but.. in the end they are prob dating now.... which... oh well as long as he treats her right... and id find it kinda funny if they were dating.. cuz... haha... perhaps shawn is right!
idk what else to say about that incident... yes i kissed him, thats it. we both pretty much started it because we both kissed and teased. yes i told him things about you, not to get him away from you, but cuz he really wanted to help you at one point.. that first time he talked to me about you he said he wanted to help. but as time went on.. i felt he had bad intentions.. like andrew said. um... at the time yah.. it seemed right to kiss him cuz he'd move on.. and i knew that.... and i was hoping she'd just think he moved on by himself.. and that she didnt lose anything. but... thats not how it worked out..
and once again.. when zach and i did the same things wrong... why is she back talking to him.. im not wishing for her to talk to me.. but... he told me shit about her also that he knew.. he poked fun at certain things about her that i didnt know or didnt want to know. he kissed me. Yah i told him things about her, but it was really because i thougth that maybe zach could help me.. help her.. cuz he sounded sp sincere and he just didnt understand why she pushed away so bad.. so i gave him some reasons... and at that point.. he still wanted to help... then the crush thing and the kiss thing came and he moved on.. but hey hes back now.... so maybe he really does care idk. I just find it funny as hell that we both kissed eachother, even tho i feel i was pushing him away a lot more...
especially after his little speech to me about how i meant so much to him.. if he was with naother girl and i came back for him.. he'd always want to be with me and he'd choose me. How he'd never lost his crush and how amazing he thought it was to be sitting in my living that day... with me.. and how he would always feel that way about me.... yah... wonder if he'd still take me back now after all this? If I fuckin knew that he wasnt completely fake... i'd prob want to be friends with him... or at least not fuckin enemies.. im sure they both poke fun at me all the time, well have fun being immature children. perhaps that why this situation will NEVER work out.. cuz im fuckin 20 and both of them are children.. when fights happen we deal with things in different ways. and i try to deal with it in a healthy way,
and i try to give her something back.. not a friendship unless she wantes it.... but the truth.. and she doesnt even fuckin want it..she takes it from him instead... who is probably trying to get even closer to her... wouldnt you trust the one whos backed away.. the one who's willing to tell the truth and not expect the friendship back in return? I just want her t obe happy, and if its with zach thats fine.. but she needs to know the truth about that situation... and i doubt he told her the truth... since he says the thing he hates most.. is people who lie... yet the reason him and i are friends anymore is because he lied to me.. numerous times.. and i think it's riduculous that he should... hate himself... but he doesnt cuz.. idk hes a moron idk..
and yah i get that her and i have had problems in the past.. and i know that i can't show her i've changed this time... but when EVERYTHING... goes down the drain... everything... lets just say.. i was pretty much in debt to my own life... i was ignoring people that meant the most to me... i was doing stupid shit... i spent way to much cash.. i came back here to csc and shit got worse... and I am slowly piecing myself back together.. i left her alone for a while... cuz.. i couldnt deal with it.. which was when she kept fucking IMing me every night asking about something i supposedly did. i was trying so hard not to just bitch her out.. and its not cuz thats what i wanted to do.. but its cuz i really just couldnt deal with her at that time... i was building myself back up.. and i was at a weak spot.. and because of that.... i did some stupid shit those weeks.. punching walls.. cutting apologies into me
which is why now, after clearing some other things up.. getting some other friendships back to where they should be.. discussoins with my parents... emails from lawyers. ALL of it.. now i can move on to her.. and i saved her for last cuz between transferring schools, emily and amanda, and lawyer legal issues.... she would be the hardest...so i need to make sure i am the strongest.. which.. with how i reacted last night... im guessing im still not as strong as i need to be to deal with her... cuz its all a joke to her im guessing.. unless i got zachs thing in her profile all wrong. but oh well.. if she doesnt reply... ill just keep writing in this.. seeing where i went wrong... but in a way... if she doesnt reply... or in other words saying she doesnt want to talk to me again.... hten i dont even need to do this... cuz i doubt ill ever meet another person like her.
That isn't meant as an insult.. or a compliment... but.. i know i'd never go through this from someone else.. cuz after how this has turned out.. i get blamed for it all.. and her and the boy become friends, lovers whatever they are... im gonna prob start turning into a cold hearted bitch... which im sure she already thinks i am one.. but thats why i cant repeat enough.. everything did.. was to help her with.. but i was so.. not mentally stable myself.. things i did... were wrong.. but felt right... like telling him things.. it seemed right to me cuz he said he wanted to help... but yah now i see it wasnt my place to say anything. er i cant write anymore... i feel sick.. and i have hw and meetins to go to soon... at least this really is helping... getting things out... realizing.. what this fucking situation has done to me...
just one last thing i just thought of... she goes around throwing blame on me... and pointing out how horrible of a person i am cuz i kissed him and i said this and that... yet i wonder if she ever thought about the pain she put me through?? i loved her. so when i saw the burns... it burned me too. when she'd sign off saying she wanted to die.. i wouldn't sleep at night.. when her fuckin mother read her journal...
Yah i told a few people about that.. no one that would say anythhing hell they didnt even know her.. i told my brother.. my mom found out.. since i pretty much had a breakdown.. and i talked to a guy i worked with jeff... they all told me t osay "see ya later, i dont need this bs." but did i know.. i still face her mother... you know how fuckin horrible it feels to see nad talk to her mother when her mom probably thinks i've corrupted her daughter.. hopefully she doesnt still think about that situation when she sees me..
i just wonder if she ever thinks about all that shit she caused in my life... all the times I could have walked away.. and i prob should have... or i should have backed away tili got to a popint where i could try to help someone... but i wasnt the only one being hurt in that friendship.. like what abou thwen she ditched me... well and the boy to hang out with nicoel all the time...?? that hurt.. i'd known her for much longer.. and bam, i dont matter... that was until nicole left for a while.. then she came back and pulled the same fuckin shit.. random IM one night.. saying how she had nothing to live for.. here it is like 10 at night cant call her house.. idk her cell number.. and im in NH... yah it was fun.. talk about pain.. i told myself if she didnt wake up that morning i wouldnt wake up the next. oh well...
i gotta go do some shit that was due yesterday.. hence the transfer... my grades... f.. d... d+... b-... hah...