I fuckin love this song!!! So.... intense!!! oh yah.. thats right this isnt my normal journal anymore... this is used for one reason... I've done this before, back in highschool... I called it my KMB Journal... i used it when my best friend decided to just ignore me for 3 months... and it worked.. so Im hoping that... this will not help me get over someone... but try to figure out why i was such an asshole sometimes... and because i dont think she believes some of the things i've said.. so in here.. will be... THE TRUTH... and idk when to use she or you.. since idk if this is being read.. so i will just use she... and you is much more intense and perosnal.. and i dont wanna cause anymore trouble for her..
However, if you are reading.. and you want to know about a certain event... any event... make a comment on an entry... and i will answer it.. TRUTHFULLY.... because right now with you.. I have nothing to lose.. already lost the friendship... and pretty much all contact with you... which i know i deserve... so I'm giving you what you deserve... the complete and utter truth about everything you've ever wanted to know.. but you're gonna have to help me cuz I'm only really gonna right from this year, 2005.... the good times, and the bad times.. so softball, summer... yesterday... so you wanna know about something years back... or something i havent written about yet.. just ask...
Hm... so.. lets start with yesterday, since that is why I'm doing this.. before yesterday... I was doing a really good job blocking her out.. even though I was in Monmouth.. a couple of times at work i thought about past memories.... i tried to do my normal when i cant talk to epople anymore... pretend they dont exist anymore.... so.. I pretty much... cope with a death instead of a lost friendship..which... is usually easier on me... but usually the end of a friendship isnt JUST my fault... and since Im better off leaving her alone... i figured pretending she doesnt exist... would be easiest... which like i said it was going really well.... til i saw her yesterday at school... everytime i see her.. i get like a 20 second recap of everything.... the good times and the bad times... and then i feel the anger and the sadness. Not towards her.. but towards myself... hell i fuckin walked in the office and forgot what i was there for.. I wanted to just walk out into the hallway and tell her to hit me. Everytime I see her i think of new ways to punish myself. because i dont know what else to do.. so im doing this...
When i first started talking to her... and she started opening up... i realized that her and i think a lot alike.. not that we were the same person... but the mechanics of our thought processes and such..... and from that day on.. I told myself I wanted to help that girl.... cuz unlike me.. I felt she could be saved... a straight-A student, All-Star Athlete, Pretty girl... who just needed to believe. and now here I am... 3 years later... kicking myself in the ass... cuz I fucked it up.. and now i feel like I'd be responsible if anything happens to her... which is why i was a fuckin idiot and went to such drastic measures to try to keep certain threats away from her..
but seeing her yesterday... made me realize... i still feel... hah.. idk... almost like my life was given to me... to help others... and she was one... that i was supposed to make sure was alright... no matter what i had to do.. im supposed to make sure she's alright... but thats where i got it all wrong... its not no matter what i had to do... cuz now... i have no way of knowing if shes doing alright... i could read the away messages.. but if its a bad one.. i freak and wonder what shes doing.. and what i'd do if i woke up the next morning and found out something happened to her.
yesterday I realized I had 3 options...
1. Forget about her and fast... if she ever Ims me again.. just close it.. if i ever see her again, pretend shes just another face in the crowd. ha.. here come the fuckin tears! YES! and if i see her family, if they appraoch me.. talk.. but keep it to a minimum...
2. just sit back.. i fucked up... i deserve this... but if she does ever need anything... and if she does IM me.. Im there. in a millosecond.. at her service... but anything to do with us is her choice.
3. Bug the fuck out of her and beg and plead for the friendship back.. stopping at nothing to get her to talk to me again.
Which is why I've decided to combine all three! cuz none of them are really appealing by themselves. 1 doesnt work.. cuz liek tonight she IMed me about this thing... and when I come back next semester to continue school by commuting.. i'd probably see a lot of her.. 2 is good.. but that always puts me in a vulnerable state 24/7. and what ahppens ifshe IMs me or calls me when im not around... id probably saw an arm off. and 3 is just pathetic.. and she said it herself... all i do is hurt her.. well... i hope i had some helping moments :/ but recently yes i'd say ive been a huge asshole! So yah... combining all three of them... If I see her again.... I will not approach her... cuz thats her choice.. Im the one who's done wrong... so it's not my choice as to whether or not we talk again.. which is how 2 comes in... Deep down, i will always be waiting for that IM that invites me back into her life.. not the one seh sent me tonight asking what my profile was about... cuz.. hah.. then she just went away after a few yups. but if she ever really does need me ,and comes to me... fuck ya ill do anything. and 3.. in the way of, if she ever does make rules.. if she imed me tonight and said, hey you stop... drinking soda and we will be friends again... even though thats kinda weird... i'd do it.. cuz i want to prove to her that all along i did care.. i just had a horrible way of showing it.. which is why right now... im taking care of myself... figuring out what i want.. and i know.. i thought it'd take a long time.. but in july-present.. A LOT of shit has happened with me.. so i had to make decisions fast... and most everything is falling into place... except for her.. i almost lost some other friendships but got them pieced back together.... which i could accept that this is the end with her and i..... but i dont think it is.. or maybe i just hope it isnt... cuz the other friends that mean as much to me as her.. it all worked out.. like with Em.. this summer we started drifting... but we are really close again... thank god... and.. well.. hah... Em was really the only other one i view this way.. but Em has like... never really needed anything from me.. although i woudl do anything for her... omg my fingers hurt.. and im supposed to be wrting a paper... so i will have to pick up where i left off.. well.. i didnt really leave off anywhere i dont think.. i kinda ran off the topic.. but i will pick up with the boy who is lying!
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