mmmmmm grape chapstick... remember all the grape chapstick memories!! hahaha.. i still have your chocolate milk chapstick too.

one this that made me smile is.. if we ever do become friends again.. i dont think we'd have to worry about anything going wrong cuz im mean honestly what else could happen between us? We've had problems with..
1. Age
2. Cutting
3. Crushes (on others and eachother)
4. Drugs and Alcohol
5. Proper Ways to cope
6. Lies

I mean honestly what the fuck else could really go wrong with this friendship!! hah... i cracked another smile.. i'd crack an even bigger one if i knew it'd survive this last attack.. but maybe it came too soon... or maybe.. no matter how true i thought our friendship was... i really could fuck it up to the point of no return... i still dont think its fair.... i came back many times for you. whats different this time.. you said i was right abouthim...??

way to go me for being a baby!! i was digging thru a drawer looking for my real nice journal thats leather and everything... and guess whats in it!!!! The birthday card!!! with the piece of paper... that kills me everytime i see it or think of it... "Thanks for always being there no matter waht even if i didnt want you to be...." there's the stab (I stabbed myself remember... heres the fuckin twist "no matter what i say i will always need you"..... TTTTTTWWWWIIIIISSSSSTTTTT


I am such an ass. I hate myself for doing this to you.

*who is born alone, will always be alone.. die alone*

guess i'm just sick of all these lies

you've made me hate you, I'm not even sure how you've accomplished that..

Your always so very open with your emotions in yoru profile... kinda scary=-O
I Just saw you sign online and realized i havent written in here for a while... perhaps because there's no reason too??? Cuz we are moving on. It's obviously what you want since arent trying with anything else... well unless you wanna count that weird song request thing last night.. which i dont count...
hope all is well with that shit though thats in your profile, and im not gonna ask if it is towards me.. cuz it doesnt matter anymore.... hah i say that yet if you came to me about something id be there in a heartbeat... hah, guess i'll alwaya have a weakspot for you... well, take car.

ha ha ha. good bye.

ha oops. i hope you fucking die is more like what i meant. haha

ha oops. i hope you fucking die is more like what i meant. haha

*high as a kite*



....... uh oh... hah.... idk if thats towards me or not.. but i hope all is well with her.. hah... ok.. time to go drink..... AND eat with my family.. omg baby jakob!!!

omg so.. this is the first time i got to really be able to write in my journal today.... im at jens right now for thanksgiving.. but omg... i had the weirdest fuckin drea last night..i cant totally remember it now unfortunately...:-\ but it had her in it.. and i think it turned my emotions into physical actions... cuz it was just like a normal day.. and id see her.. and shed like.. taunt me.. so i'd just chase her and be like, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!
and shed always just give me this look.. this look like i should know and then just walk away... it was so weird. cuz i one point in the dream i was talking to her saying i did wanna be friends again and id do anythin too be her friend again... and then i brought up even though i hurt her this time shes put me thru so much and i deserve another chance since i gave her one.
she would just give me that look adn walk away.. it happened many times.. and everytime the situation was dealt differently..a nd everytime.. she gave me a look and walked away.. and id just sigh.. hahahah. idk if that is really telling me something or waht but.. it was weird.. maybe it was telling me no matter what i do... its not gonna happen..