mmmmmm grape chapstick... remember all the grape chapstick memories!! hahaha.. i still have your chocolate milk chapstick too.

one this that made me smile is.. if we ever do become friends again.. i dont think we'd have to worry about anything going wrong cuz im mean honestly what else could happen between us? We've had problems with..
1. Age
2. Cutting
3. Crushes (on others and eachother)
4. Drugs and Alcohol
5. Proper Ways to cope
6. Lies

I mean honestly what the fuck else could really go wrong with this friendship!! hah... i cracked another smile.. i'd crack an even bigger one if i knew it'd survive this last attack.. but maybe it came too soon... or maybe.. no matter how true i thought our friendship was... i really could fuck it up to the point of no return... i still dont think its fair.... i came back many times for you. whats different this time.. you said i was right abouthim...??

way to go me for being a baby!! i was digging thru a drawer looking for my real nice journal thats leather and everything... and guess whats in it!!!! The birthday card!!! with the piece of paper... that kills me everytime i see it or think of it... "Thanks for always being there no matter waht even if i didnt want you to be...." there's the stab (I stabbed myself remember... heres the fuckin twist "no matter what i say i will always need you"..... TTTTTTWWWWIIIIISSSSSTTTTT


I am such an ass. I hate myself for doing this to you.

*who is born alone, will always be alone.. die alone*

guess i'm just sick of all these lies

you've made me hate you, I'm not even sure how you've accomplished that..

Your always so very open with your emotions in yoru profile... kinda scary=-O
I Just saw you sign online and realized i havent written in here for a while... perhaps because there's no reason too??? Cuz we are moving on. It's obviously what you want since arent trying with anything else... well unless you wanna count that weird song request thing last night.. which i dont count...
hope all is well with that shit though thats in your profile, and im not gonna ask if it is towards me.. cuz it doesnt matter anymore.... hah i say that yet if you came to me about something id be there in a heartbeat... hah, guess i'll alwaya have a weakspot for you... well, take car.

ha ha ha. good bye.

ha oops. i hope you fucking die is more like what i meant. haha

ha oops. i hope you fucking die is more like what i meant. haha

*high as a kite*



....... uh oh... hah.... idk if thats towards me or not.. but i hope all is well with her.. hah... ok.. time to go drink..... AND eat with my family.. omg baby jakob!!!

omg so.. this is the first time i got to really be able to write in my journal today.... im at jens right now for thanksgiving.. but omg... i had the weirdest fuckin drea last night..i cant totally remember it now unfortunately...:-\ but it had her in it.. and i think it turned my emotions into physical actions... cuz it was just like a normal day.. and id see her.. and shed like.. taunt me.. so i'd just chase her and be like, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!
and shed always just give me this look.. this look like i should know and then just walk away... it was so weird. cuz i one point in the dream i was talking to her saying i did wanna be friends again and id do anythin too be her friend again... and then i brought up even though i hurt her this time shes put me thru so much and i deserve another chance since i gave her one.
she would just give me that look adn walk away.. it happened many times.. and everytime the situation was dealt differently..a nd everytime.. she gave me a look and walked away.. and id just sigh.. hahahah. idk if that is really telling me something or waht but.. it was weird.. maybe it was telling me no matter what i do... its not gonna happen..

ok so fuckin weird.. that fuckin myspace song by queen was on EVERY station last night... no joke.. i prob heard it 7 times yesterday... all last night whether on my way home from NH or out with shawn... thats weird.. there must have been a queen concert or somethign with that song playing that much...

hahaha wtf that just cracks me up... jurassic park III is on Friday night.. Ill have to watch it... in memory :-P of the friendship.. that was a fun night.. i cant remember it.. cuz im pretty sure i was drugged.. and i think i annoyed you.. but i think that night was big with the friendship... and i dont remember the movie so ill have to watch it friday night!

Good song lyrics

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

hah... cant talk with me or cant talk at all.. gotta answer it.. thats all i was waiting for... show signs of interest.... and ill kind of stick around.. but keep pissing me off.... and im done

wtf i mean honestly
if you dont want me around.. just leave me the fuck alone.
by you still iming little things to me.. makes me seem you cant let go.. well guess what? if you cant then act it... dont be pissing me off more.. cuz your heading in the wrong direction... you said you'd always need me but im not just gonna be your fuckin punching bag.. so smarten up or im gone... and trust me i get it if you dont want me around i was an ass. but then just ignore me... and if you want me around.. dont piss me off.. just tell me.. say you dont trust me again yet.. but dont fuckin piss me off.

hey at least shes making it really fuckin easy to hate her!!!! idk if thats about me or not.. im taking it that it is.. so... she can go fuck herself if it is about me. she better not be playing fuckin dirty cuz i could ACTUALLY start rumors about her... oh wait... thats right.. im 20.. i dont do stupid shit like that.. i just wanted to fix it if she wanted to but clearly she doesnt and shes helping me fuckin hate her.. but she better back of cuz now is NOT the time to be pushing my fuckin buttons.

Breakway... i should think of my swirls graduating but instead i dont.. i think of all the fuckin funny shit... like her sunburn... the lack of important undergarments.. hahahahahahahah all the foolish things said. it was a very fun day.. and that song makes me think of it. :)

adjl;af ieo aoi jfkjv a;uioe rugaerg ajekl odfgu dflag ioraeg kladrjgrigjadffvja

technically i shouldnt be writing in here since... well. Im not gonna try anymore.. cuz she's got me convinced im bad for her. so... this is what she wanted.. so this is what she got.. im done trying with eeverything... i just hate that it had to be like this. oh well.. life goes on... sometimes. i better go to bed.. im not thinking well otnight.. but thats what happens when your emotionally drained. once im out of CSC ill be so much better.. around real friends... well.. idk why im writing about this stuff in here...

k... ill leave you alone. have anice life... :'(

oh yah ps.... nice Myspace...

Jurassic Park.

So I almost knocked out my roomies bf last night... he was being obnoxious.. and we were playing beruit and he just walked in and started drinking my cups... so i shoved him... and he got in my face and told me to hit him so i kept shoving instead... cuz if i hit him all hell would break lose... and guess how i didnt hit him?? Well first i was trying to pretend it was Em i would have hit... but i couldnt picture us ever getting like that.. so then i pictured her... and since we do get in fights all the time... i didnt hit him.. cuz i could never hit her.. so tahts a plus!!! She prob saved my life last night!! hahah. it just kinda scared me that i thought of Em... then her... and not like other people... since the whole.... ending friendship seesm to be happening. I will need to find someone else who will work next time...
but oh well, she saved my ass.. cuz knocking about the roommates bf... not a good idea... and not hitting him over a lost friend... kinda rough on the mind but.... it worked.. alright time to watch Liar Liar... Timmy LOVED this movie.. I can still hear his laugh... hah... especilaly the pen part... that and the goose blooper was his fave...:-\... god i really miss him...:'( i almost emailed the lawyer to see.. eeeh wrong journal!! later!

i just wish this were simpler!

there is a girl on this campus.. in my sports psych class actually.. who has the same name.. and they could be sisters.. this girl in my class has dark hair thou.. but they still look a like.. i noticed that today.. and it was... idk if it was good or depressing.. cuz i really dont feel like being reminded of all the hurt i caused someone at least 3 days a week... meh.

I just found tons of old IMs on my computer... i have like..... TONS of IMs with her on there.... and as i read through them.. at the end of last semester... like april-june til that journal incident... she was pretty much my best friend.. i hung out with her the most.. always at softball games.. like taking pics of her at telstar... from that incident on.. it seems like things have never been fixed... i probably know why....:-\ prob more than she knows...

IDK what to write about anymore.... idk what she would want to know about.. and.. the more i write the more i hurt her.. so and she doesnt seem to care to read it since she hasnt commented to keep it up... but i konw she reads it since she just fuckin IMs me instead. i dont think i should count it... idk... im starting to think that no matter how much i could help her.. ill always hurt her more... time to let go??? Not even for me.. but for her.... ??

doesnt matter what i type in this does it... ill always be hurting instead of helping... or maybe shes just shielding herself... cuz... the problems dont ever stop.. ever since the incident in june it seems... idk.. i cant write now my roomies asleep and im fuckin out of it... g 'night.

if you could read my mind.. this could all be done with and everything probably solved... but i will never ever type or say 1 thing.. ever.. until it'd be to late anyway.

i just dont know what to do nemore

so sad.. life is supposed to still be easy at 15... im such an asshole...

I think while im home over break we should talk.. in person.. face to face.. about anything and everything.. please... write down ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you wanna ask me... please?

guess ill never know what you really wanted from me before i die.. cuz i ... i have no fuckin clue anymore what anything you do truly means.. and im sorry for that. and i dont know if i can do anything to know... cuz i doubt youll ever want to tell me.. and i dont blame you.. but if i know what you want from me.. you can know what i want from you....

there's gotta be a reason why we cant both let go... i dont think she had let go.. or else she wouldnt keep fuckin with me... or.. why IM me and tell me about the car accident.. im pretty sure she knew i didnt like Mark... so why tell me...?? once again.. its the whole.. someone who supposedly doesnt care.. wouldnt do that... so im just getting annoyed that her and i cant either just be friends... or be... idk just not enemies...


perhaps deep down i know why... a lot better than she knows why... which thats probably never gonna be said iether... so.. maybe this journal thing wont work..

wtf!?!??!?! i hope your fuckin enjoying this.. that way one... well two of us are since i know he's prob read this too... since ya know.. your friends and all...

Im glad im not as obsessed with checking profiles..... cuz idk if that fuckin thing he said is about me.. but every fuckin time i see it... errr..... but whatever... i just dont look anymore and its all good.. not like i need to check her profile anyways. but when people randomly IM you info they wouldnt tell someone unless they cared.. but they act like they fuckin dont... you get all paranoid and annoyed.. and shit runs thru your head.. like it is mine right now.. and its annoying.. but then again... its not... cuz... there is an easy way out if i ever need it... luckily im not afraid to take it.. and with the mind games.. whether intentional or not.. its pretty fuckin tempting... comment if you read this and im all wrong... but if you like playing mind games...
well... i fuckin dont.. and i wont take part in them.. so if you someday may wanna trust me or keep me around.. cut the fuckin shit. oops.. is and yous.... umm... well anyways.. she will probably grow out of them.. but i already fuckin have.. and when i put shit in my profile.. its not to hurt her... and hers... well they dont fuckin make me smile.. maybe people were right when they said age matters.
doesnt mean im giving up on her at all... but... i guess it means theres always a lot more to fight through.... but in the end.. a true friend is worth it.. i guess thats just what im trying ot figure out... if i am her true friend.. otherwise.. i gotta be done with this... its absolutely exhausting mentally... emotionally... sometimes even phsycially.. to try to figure out this friendship.. but for me.. its worht it.

i couldve have changed things when you gave me the chance... mabye thats what im paying for now... maybe you just needed a way out of this situation....

What do the random IMs really mean.. why does she care to tell me they aren't dating and are just friends.. why does she care to tell me...... does she still care about the friendship??? or... was that supposed to be the comment.. it doesnt count as a comment... but.. why... i wish i'd just know... but i dont wanna know... hah... i just.. eh idk. i need to study..

I wonder what it is that makes me be the one to get punished??? Why she still talks to ZAch but not me... we both did the same things wrong... is it because he confronted her and put it all on me... does she really believe EVERYTHING he says.... maybe once he moves on to the next girl she'll finally see. Maybe it's her age... or maybe shes got something to prove with him. I know this isnt the first time shits happened with her and i... but.... everytime whether a couple weeks, months or a eyar later we talk again... and idk if i can do that again... idk if shes playing games or what..
i know shes 15 but she still needs to grow up. if she doesnt want anything to do with me, she needs to say it. Cuz Im doing this for her.. i dont have to let her read this.. especially if shes just gonna go make fun of me with the reason her and i arent friends anymore. If i didnt care about her I'd be dealing with a lot less shit right now. So now i guess I need to figure out is... is all this shit worth waiting around... prob not.. since this time it was more of a choice of a person.. she would have been better off talking to neither of us.. cuz at least Im gonna be fuckin honest now.. i learned my lesson... and shes too fuckin blind to see him. Whehter he has those intentions with her or not shes gonan get hurt... whether he just uses her... or uses other girls while hes supposed to be iwth her.. something liek that..
shes gonna get hurt....the shit he started telling me again about him in girls... hah at least shawn got me to laugh about it by telling me something absolutely fuckin hilarious... that i could see being true... but, i guess theres not point in putting that in here since it's about him and not her.
he really fucked me over in a lot of ways... i lost a friendship... he got me into smoking weed... ever since him i really have an issue with trust.. mostly with guys.... he made himself out to be the perfect guy... and he was completely full of lies.. to me anywyas.. idk.. maybe he jsut wanted to fuck a 20 year old or maybe he just wanted to conquer me personally.. well im glad he never did.. I just dont get why he gets the good end of the deal when ehs the one thats seems to be fuckin with everyone.. he's the one that wanted to hang otu with me most of time.. i wanted get to know him.. cuz i just heard tons of bad shit from people.. even fuckin andrew!! One of those nghts he was over there.. his exact words to me "Ya know Zachs just looking for ass right??? Whehter its you, your friend, or some other girl. I mean dont get me wrong hes a great guy just with bad intentions...."
thats real great if his best friend fuckin tells me that.. and him and andrew have like wars with girls.. who can sleep with what girl the fastest... great.. hah... but yah... we both started talking online and talking about hanging, and he came to me about brit.. cuz he really cared about her and she was treating her weird is what he was saying. so i just told him that she had a lot on her mind and that she probably wasnt sure as to whether or not she wanted to trust him yet. I todl him she did the same thing to me... but then he mentioned some differnet things that happened between them.. like sexual things.. how she might do somethign for him oone day... adn the next she didnt want to see him.... then that was the night my parents were gone and he spent the night... and it was just really nice cuz we talked, he told me about his ex.. and we talked about sex a lot.. it was kinda werd...
he ended up admitting to me he had a crush on me freshman year. he talked about how when he hung out with allison and id talk to her he was suprised i wouldnt see him get all shy.. truthfully i dont really remember seeing him with her at all... cuz prob most of the time she was leaving school and i barely saw her. but.. and swear to god... he was the one .... sighs.. who started the teasing.... like 8 hours of teasing, adn yah i teased back... but i refused to do anything.. for 2 reasons... her... and my somewhat bf at the time... and i kept telling him that. i was like waht about b.. and tom... and hed just reply "i know.. but this is just so insane...you and me here.." and yah...
it did suck.. cuz i felt it.. we clicked right off... and yah.. i fell hard for him... but then i reminded myself i had tom... he was 17... and he was interested in my friend.. and itd be awesome if him and i stayed friends... and yes... by the time i had to work... or get ready for work.. we made out... holy crap.. we kissed.. big freakin deal.. sad part is 1.. i realized then if we kissed... he'd say B who? and if i just played little fling....... he'd leave her alone.... so we kept hanging out never doing anything more than a few kisses here and there, like good night kisses and such... and yah like i said we clicked and i fell hard..
but the first time things happened.. it was even to kiss him.. it was the fuckin fact he teased me for like 8 fuckin hours...hahaha. actually i didnt really like it cuz we had gotten so close.. i felt awkward kissing him.. like.... i knew what he wanted in a girl... i knew what he liked in sex.. and what turned him on and what didnt.. and it was awkward to barely konw a guy.. but know that about him.. and there was no way i was gonna "let him down" cuz i enjoyed the friendship part more.. so that was supposed to stay our little secret.... and that sad part is that worked... until she found out... cuz in the end he pissed me off.. he found other girls plural.. and got in a lot of trouble with girls and the law this summer...
and thats when i realized that the boy i started to fall for.. im pretty sure... was all a lie.. he was the guy i wanted him to be... and i really wanted to piss my friend off and lose the friendship, i would have DATED him.. cuz i told him... we werent dating.. i was dating tom.. i'd put up fights when he touched me or wanted me to kiss him. but it really seemed to work.. she was so wrapped up in summer softball and nicole that i dont thnk she even really realized he was gone... and i was happy.. cuz i just didnt want zach being another mike... but.. in the end they are prob dating now.... which... oh well as long as he treats her right... and id find it kinda funny if they were dating.. cuz... haha... perhaps shawn is right!
idk what else to say about that incident... yes i kissed him, thats it. we both pretty much started it because we both kissed and teased. yes i told him things about you, not to get him away from you, but cuz he really wanted to help you at one point.. that first time he talked to me about you he said he wanted to help. but as time went on.. i felt he had bad intentions.. like andrew said. um... at the time yah.. it seemed right to kiss him cuz he'd move on.. and i knew that.... and i was hoping she'd just think he moved on by himself.. and that she didnt lose anything. but... thats not how it worked out..
and once again.. when zach and i did the same things wrong... why is she back talking to him.. im not wishing for her to talk to me.. but... he told me shit about her also that he knew.. he poked fun at certain things about her that i didnt know or didnt want to know. he kissed me. Yah i told him things about her, but it was really because i thougth that maybe zach could help me.. help her.. cuz he sounded sp sincere and he just didnt understand why she pushed away so bad.. so i gave him some reasons... and at that point.. he still wanted to help... then the crush thing and the kiss thing came and he moved on.. but hey hes back now.... so maybe he really does care idk. I just find it funny as hell that we both kissed eachother, even tho i feel i was pushing him away a lot more...
especially after his little speech to me about how i meant so much to him.. if he was with naother girl and i came back for him.. he'd always want to be with me and he'd choose me. How he'd never lost his crush and how amazing he thought it was to be sitting in my living that day... with me.. and how he would always feel that way about me.... yah... wonder if he'd still take me back now after all this? If I fuckin knew that he wasnt completely fake... i'd prob want to be friends with him... or at least not fuckin enemies.. im sure they both poke fun at me all the time, well have fun being immature children. perhaps that why this situation will NEVER work out.. cuz im fuckin 20 and both of them are children.. when fights happen we deal with things in different ways. and i try to deal with it in a healthy way,
and i try to give her something back.. not a friendship unless she wantes it.... but the truth.. and she doesnt even fuckin want it..she takes it from him instead... who is probably trying to get even closer to her... wouldnt you trust the one whos backed away.. the one who's willing to tell the truth and not expect the friendship back in return? I just want her t obe happy, and if its with zach thats fine.. but she needs to know the truth about that situation... and i doubt he told her the truth... since he says the thing he hates most.. is people who lie... yet the reason him and i are friends anymore is because he lied to me.. numerous times.. and i think it's riduculous that he should... hate himself... but he doesnt cuz.. idk hes a moron idk..
and yah i get that her and i have had problems in the past.. and i know that i can't show her i've changed this time... but when EVERYTHING... goes down the drain... everything... lets just say.. i was pretty much in debt to my own life... i was ignoring people that meant the most to me... i was doing stupid shit... i spent way to much cash.. i came back here to csc and shit got worse... and I am slowly piecing myself back together.. i left her alone for a while... cuz.. i couldnt deal with it.. which was when she kept fucking IMing me every night asking about something i supposedly did. i was trying so hard not to just bitch her out.. and its not cuz thats what i wanted to do.. but its cuz i really just couldnt deal with her at that time... i was building myself back up.. and i was at a weak spot.. and because of that.... i did some stupid shit those weeks.. punching walls.. cutting apologies into me
which is why now, after clearing some other things up.. getting some other friendships back to where they should be.. discussoins with my parents... emails from lawyers. ALL of it.. now i can move on to her.. and i saved her for last cuz between transferring schools, emily and amanda, and lawyer legal issues.... she would be the hardest...so i need to make sure i am the strongest.. which.. with how i reacted last night... im guessing im still not as strong as i need to be to deal with her... cuz its all a joke to her im guessing.. unless i got zachs thing in her profile all wrong. but oh well.. if she doesnt reply... ill just keep writing in this.. seeing where i went wrong... but in a way... if she doesnt reply... or in other words saying she doesnt want to talk to me again.... hten i dont even need to do this... cuz i doubt ill ever meet another person like her.
That isn't meant as an insult.. or a compliment... but.. i know i'd never go through this from someone else.. cuz after how this has turned out.. i get blamed for it all.. and her and the boy become friends, lovers whatever they are... im gonna prob start turning into a cold hearted bitch... which im sure she already thinks i am one.. but thats why i cant repeat enough.. everything did.. was to help her with.. but i was so.. not mentally stable myself.. things i did... were wrong.. but felt right... like telling him things.. it seemed right to me cuz he said he wanted to help... but yah now i see it wasnt my place to say anything. er i cant write anymore... i feel sick.. and i have hw and meetins to go to soon... at least this really is helping... getting things out... realizing.. what this fucking situation has done to me...
just one last thing i just thought of... she goes around throwing blame on me... and pointing out how horrible of a person i am cuz i kissed him and i said this and that... yet i wonder if she ever thought about the pain she put me through?? i loved her. so when i saw the burns... it burned me too. when she'd sign off saying she wanted to die.. i wouldn't sleep at night.. when her fuckin mother read her journal...
Yah i told a few people about that.. no one that would say anythhing hell they didnt even know her.. i told my brother.. my mom found out.. since i pretty much had a breakdown.. and i talked to a guy i worked with jeff... they all told me t osay "see ya later, i dont need this bs." but did i know.. i still face her mother... you know how fuckin horrible it feels to see nad talk to her mother when her mom probably thinks i've corrupted her daughter.. hopefully she doesnt still think about that situation when she sees me..
i just wonder if she ever thinks about all that shit she caused in my life... all the times I could have walked away.. and i prob should have... or i should have backed away tili got to a popint where i could try to help someone... but i wasnt the only one being hurt in that friendship.. like what abou thwen she ditched me... well and the boy to hang out with nicoel all the time...?? that hurt.. i'd known her for much longer.. and bam, i dont matter... that was until nicole left for a while.. then she came back and pulled the same fuckin shit.. random IM one night.. saying how she had nothing to live for.. here it is like 10 at night cant call her house.. idk her cell number.. and im in NH... yah it was fun.. talk about pain.. i told myself if she didnt wake up that morning i wouldnt wake up the next. oh well...
i gotta go do some shit that was due yesterday.. hence the transfer... my grades... f.. d... d+... b-... hah...

Maybe i can blame the stupidity on age... I did the same thing.

one less reason to live for... yay.

JumpMan1413 (6:24:18 PM): but be careful.. i might LIE about it ;-)

is this about the entry?

Guess December doesnt matter.. cuz i was wrong... im guessing by the profile this is all a huge joke.. so i will be turning this into a personal journal and just using ot for me... congrats.. if you wanted me gone you suceeded... if you still want this send any comment with anything in it.. a letter.. and i will leave it open for you.. otherwise...


Good bye....

Me being home in December... FOR GOOD... wonder if it will help or hurt this situation.

Catching on quick.

I fuckin love this song!!! So....  intense!!! oh yah.. thats right this isnt my normal journal anymore... this is used for one reason... I've done this before, back in highschool... I called it my KMB Journal... i used it when my best friend decided to just ignore me for 3 months... and it worked.. so Im hoping that... this will not help me get over someone... but try to figure out why i was such an asshole sometimes... and because i dont think she believes some of the things i've said.. so in here.. will be... THE TRUTH... and idk when to use she or you.. since idk if this is being read.. so i will just use she... and you is much more intense and perosnal.. and i dont wanna cause anymore trouble for her..
However, if you are reading.. and you want to know about a certain event... any event... make a comment on an entry... and i will answer it.. TRUTHFULLY.... because right now with you.. I have nothing to lose.. already lost the friendship... and pretty much all contact with you... which i know i deserve... so I'm giving you what you deserve... the complete and utter truth about everything you've ever wanted to know.. but you're gonna have to help me cuz I'm only really gonna right from this year, 2005.... the good times, and the bad times.. so softball, summer... yesterday... so you wanna know about something years back... or something i havent written about yet.. just ask...



Hm... so.. lets start with yesterday, since that is why I'm doing this.. before yesterday... I was doing a really good job blocking her out.. even though I was in Monmouth.. a couple of times at work i thought about past memories.... i tried to do my normal when i cant talk to epople anymore... pretend they dont exist anymore.... so.. I pretty much... cope with a death instead of a lost friendship..which... is usually easier on me... but usually the end of a friendship isnt JUST my fault... and since Im better off leaving her alone... i figured pretending she doesnt exist... would be easiest... which like i said it was going really well.... til i saw her yesterday at school... everytime i see her.. i get like a 20 second recap of everything.... the good times and the bad times... and then i feel the anger and the sadness. Not towards her.. but towards myself... hell i fuckin walked in the office and forgot what i was there for.. I wanted to just walk out into the hallway and tell her to hit me. Everytime I see her i think of new ways to punish myself. because i dont know what else to do.. so im doing this...

When i first started talking to her... and she started opening up... i realized that her and i think a lot alike.. not that we were the same person... but the mechanics of our thought processes and such..... and from that day on.. I told myself I wanted to help that girl.... cuz unlike me.. I felt she could be saved... a straight-A student, All-Star Athlete, Pretty girl... who just needed to believe. and now here I am... 3 years later... kicking myself in the ass... cuz I fucked it up.. and now i feel like I'd be responsible if anything happens to her... which is why i was a fuckin idiot and went to such drastic measures to try to keep certain threats away from her..

but seeing her yesterday... made me realize... i still feel... hah.. idk... almost like my life was given to me... to help others... and she was one... that i was supposed to make sure was alright... no matter what i had to do.. im supposed to make sure she's alright... but thats where i got it all wrong... its not no matter what i had to do... cuz now... i have no way of knowing if shes doing alright... i could read the away messages.. but if its a bad one.. i freak and wonder what shes doing.. and what i'd do if i woke up the next morning and found out something happened to her.

yesterday I realized I had 3 options...
1. Forget about her and fast... if she ever Ims me again.. just close it.. if i ever see her again, pretend shes just another face in the crowd. ha.. here come the fuckin tears! YES! and if i see her family, if they appraoch me.. talk.. but keep it to a minimum...

2. just sit back.. i fucked up... i deserve this... but if she does ever need anything... and if she does IM me.. Im there. in a millosecond.. at her service... but anything to do with us is her choice.

3. Bug the fuck out of her and beg and plead for the friendship back.. stopping at nothing to get her to talk to me again.

Which is why I've decided to combine all three! cuz none of them are really appealing by themselves. 1 doesnt work.. cuz liek tonight she IMed me about this thing... and when I come back next semester to continue school by commuting.. i'd probably see a lot of her.. 2 is good.. but that always puts me in a vulnerable state 24/7. and what ahppens ifshe IMs me or calls me when im not around... id probably saw an arm off. and 3 is just pathetic.. and she said it herself... all i do is hurt her.. well... i hope i had some helping moments :/ but recently yes i'd say ive been a huge asshole! So yah... combining all three of them... If I see her again.... I will not approach her... cuz thats her choice.. Im the one who's done wrong...  so it's not my choice as to whether or not we talk again.. which is how 2 comes in... Deep down, i will always be waiting for that IM that invites me back into her life.. not the one seh sent me tonight asking what my profile was about... cuz.. hah.. then she just went away after a few yups. but if she ever really does need me ,and comes to me... fuck ya ill do anything. and 3.. in the way of, if she ever does make rules.. if she imed me tonight and said, hey you stop... drinking soda and we will be friends again... even though thats kinda weird... i'd do it.. cuz i want to prove to her that all along i did care.. i just had a horrible way of showing it.. which is why right now... im taking care of myself... figuring out what i want.. and i know.. i thought it'd take a long time.. but in july-present.. A LOT of shit has happened with me.. so i had to make decisions fast... and most everything is falling into place... except for her.. i almost lost some other friendships but got them pieced back together.... which i could accept that this is the end with her and i..... but i dont think it is.. or maybe i just hope it isnt... cuz the other friends that mean as much to me as her.. it all worked out.. like with Em.. this summer we started drifting... but we are really close again... thank god... and.. well.. hah... Em was really the only other one i view this way.. but Em has like... never really needed anything from me.. although i woudl do anything for her... omg my fingers hurt.. and im supposed to be wrting a paper... so i will have to pick up where i left off.. well.. i didnt really leave off anywhere i dont think.. i kinda ran off the topic.. but i will pick up with the boy who is lying!