not too cool. but i cant do shit so.... whatever i guess... i cant do anything about something i dont know... sighs... i dont want to play games.. whatever. im going to bed
....whats up.... your definitely acting differently.... but oh well you say everythigns fine.. so ill believe you.. i wouldnt keep anything from you if you asked.. so hopeuflly youd at least be honest with me even if you didnt tell me why....

so.. i dont like that i dont know what she does when shes rally super upset... and i almost say.. after i said i hoped she didnt do it often.. i wanted to state i hope it wasnt too bad cuz i couldnt imagine life without her... but.. i just. didnt feel right stating it right then.and id think shed know that.. ugh.... i need to go to bed.

I dont see it how she does anymore... and i find no need to bring it up.. cuz it really doesnt matter cuz its fine. :-) Just great how they are. Time for some shut eye... thank goodness... i think im in debt to my body about 3 years of rest... hah.

so.... why do i feel like her and i took 7 steps back.. yet supposedly shit was solved??? ugh.. whatever.. i cant do this now i need to work.. i just... sometimes wish things were different I guess... :-\ i cant ugh.

I love how things work out.. how things had been mentioned a lot.. and all the wondering and then the facebook comment!!!! :-D:-D it really just made my day.. and boy did i need a boost.... sighs.. hopefully ill hear back soon!! Cuz... thatd be a complete boost in my life!! Work time

i hate myself.... a lot. she was probably better off without me in her life.. :'(:'( I really really er... i need to pay...
ugh... i just dont get how to say things... eerr.. i piss myself off... its 2 different issues im dealing with... the one with jsut me.. and whats going on and what that means with me perosnally... then theres the whole... us thing... and ugh... well one thing is that it doesnt feel like a mike thing... im not saying theres anything more than friends.. well i am.. but not in that way perhaps.. but... idk... she makes me happy. just having her in my life made me 200% happier than the day before... like her cell phone being broken.. kills me.
idk whatever... it doesnt matter anyways.. cuz contact off. so that will solve one issue... except that it didnt really bother me.. we just saw it in different ways obviosuly... and my thinking fucked it up.. so whatever... i jsut.. idk.. today seemed great... idk. i jsut know what i need to tell myself.. and im doing that now.. cuz... maybe shes right.. not thinking is the way to go.. cuz i dug msyelf quite a hole right now.

i treat her in a different way than i feel. and im just fuckin with my head. I love her.. but not in THAT way... but then we do what we do.. so i feel like.. =-O maybe i do.. but its just.. i feel so close to her... that doing that doesnt matter.. and i act the i do with her with everyone.. i jsut.. no touchy. haha. but. shes just i cant say like a lil sister anymore, haha. a best friend.... i guess. idk. there's no way to describe it..
which is i guess why i feel so fucked up... and thats probably why she thought she saw a mood change.. cuz when i was thinking about the shorts thing... that'd be a ginormous step. and i couldnt have done it then... but i guess since i got close.. and she mnetioned something.. it just had me wondering.. like.. what woudl she do. woudl that make her uncomfortable.. or does she say it jsut so i dont freak out. does she think im uncomfortable...
wellwe seem to be talking... so i guess i will be cutting back on this right now

ok.. so ill finally write today.. about something that happened.... um... oh.. maybe only saturday.. i thouyght it was yesterday but.. so... i know its not a big deal but... i felt awkward after.. so we were... on our way to my college. after we had gotten some dunkin donuts. and i remember right where it was.. we just turned left onto the road that you get off to get on 95... and.. Snow Patrols Hands Open song..
and... theres a part that says Why would I sabotage
the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know
exactly what I want with my...
and... i looked her in the eyes.. at the first 2 lines and sang it.. and i had to look away.. and i felt really awkward... cuz.. it just.. i mean, shes an important part of my life.. and i felt like i was stating that to her.. and not just singing it.. idk. but i got.. sketched. hah. idk
but.. things are good... besides that I personally have issues... and im pretty sure when i was half asleep i said i love you.. which.. is an issue. but not really. cuz.. i was half asleep. but i cant SAY it... cuz when you actually see a person.. and you try to make that statement.. to me, it doesnt matter how you feel about them. its rough. I can barely say i love you to my mother... and i actually just remembered this.. hah. i doubt she heard me anyways. i can say it if we are like.. joking.. like i ahte you, aaww i love you.. but like.. if its like.. randomly said. random moment. i freak. hell sometimes i cant even say it if she does.. when i state i hate her and she says she still loves me.. hell sometimes im just like.. sure. hahaha.
i just have serious issues. yet i dont.. cuz i survive just fine.. i really dont expect anything back from her. and the more she does for me.. the worse it kinda gets for me for a while.. so id almost just prefer... that she enjoy the lack of having to give anything back to me. hah.
ok.. time to watch shrek 2!!! and take a nap

oh me oh my.... how things have changed... and i just pulled pine needles out of my hiar!!! hhahaha midnight bike ride... not bad.. not bad... and its only 2 am.. i really thought it might be much later... and i was kinda having issues tonight.. hah.. with different things.. which kinda by the end of the time.. they werent really issues.. but still were.. like.. certain actions... seem pointless... but.. heh. do the trick... and idk.. yah anyways... i need to sleep.. well get a beverage.. then sleep... nighty night...

sighs... my parents are gone.. i have unwanted people here.. this isnt fun... I kinda wish I could pick her up tonight. but hopefully she can spend the night monday night... and hopeuflly my parents dont come back monday night....
this weekend is not turning out how i planned it to ... and its only the first day... idk if thats good or bad... but she will be back soon.. and i will be up @ 3... which is why i should go get her!!>:o hah... waaa.