??? No reason for those.. Well besides 5 years of bullshit. Haha anyways. Somedays u just wonder...

U must be around cuz i have not heard from ur sisters...:(i enjoy them. They are great girls..

too funny

It makes me laugh how I type my super long entries saying how Im over.. but if I was over why would I be writing entries.. if I was over it why would I be doing this right now?? But Im over it ever being a reality again. Im glad it happened and I think about it a lot.. but at the same time Im done dwelling, wishing it could happen again. I should be happy things worked out as well as they did. From the very beginning things were never easy. We were always in trouble with one another or adults... And I truly dont know what I ever expected out of befriending someone a half a decade younger than me.. who clearly has some issues in her life(which ya I have a fair share too) but what was I thinking would really amount out of it? I mean ya in the beginning I definitely wanted to help her.. but why didnt I ever realize you can't save those who dont want to be saved.. and  I'd say she either falls in that category or just can't be saved... oh wait.. thats right.. Amy saved her by pulling her from school and sports.. I wonder if brit ever looks back on things even a few months ago to see how drastically different... She probably could have gone to any college she wanted.. either with an academic scholarship or athletic... Not saying that everyone needs to go..

UGH.. see this is my issue.. Im over her in my life.. but I still want her to live the best she can.. and I dunno.. I dont see staying at amys the best she can do thats all I guess.. And Im not saying being with me was the best. Maybe a year ago.. yes I would have said that. But I can't be hwat she wants.. but I dont see how she is happy right now..  I truly hope Amy cares for her and loves her and stands by her forever now.. cuz Brit gave up everything for her.. Whether she believes it or not things will never be the same with her and her family again.. they were abandoned by her.. lied to, stolen from... ha. Blood thicker than water?? ha. Whatever tho. this is what I need to work on now.. But its still.. its just a waste of mind space for me.. I dont check up on her anymore.. I blocked her on aim. I dont ever call her obviously.. I used to message her now and again.. Im done with that. If I knew how to delete friends on myspace I would probably delete her.. but I dont want her getting sour towards me cuz SHE left ME. haha. Im done with her, well wait. im TOTALLY done with us.. and Im done with her, but still wonder. Even though she was younger than me.. I at times looked up to her.. cuz she seemed to be very smart with a good head on her shoulders.. but now i see otherwise haha. But anyways.. I dunno.. I enjoyed watching her grow up, cuz I always knew she would be someone great. Who made a difference and touched everyone who crossed her path.. which.. This is all true.. I just should have thrown in makes a positive not destructive difference and doesnt make people regret crossing her path.. ha. Thats the stage she is at in my head right now. I just hope some day when I hear the name.. Brittany Marie Hilton, it will be her, and she will be doing something great for herself and others.. I dont wanna read it in the obituaries anytime soon. I mean I hate what she did to me.. but I dont hate her.. I dont blame her I guess we both abandoned eachother in her eyes... But Rumford could have worked for us real well.. it was too far? Mt Vernon? fuckin portland?? Im close compared to that.. and now Im in Wayne.. I dunno.. I just know if she wanted it to work out it could have.. it always did in the past..

I hope she doesn't think this is another break for us.. Im done.. I fuckin miss it like crazy.. but Im done.. And hopefully someday I will find someone just as great as I thought she was.. who makes me feel even better than she did.. It kinda makes me laugh to think about how long I mourned over her.. over it.. not that I should be out looking.. but not mourning.. ugh I dunno. I have had to slip on my big girl pants pretty quick.. and I just get a lot of shit i didnt lastyear.. Im accepting that people dont last in our lives.. its the self-destructive society we have created.. instead of long lasting friendships.. now divorce and shit is an easy way out.. I mean look at the divorce rates.. look at surveys from childhood friends.. there are people only 5-7yrs older than me who all their friends they have known since they were in preschool.. most kids my age can't say that.. as they go through life transitions so do their friends.. well why now? How come my parents have had friends their whole lives and most now change with seasons? This just is not the society I wanna belong to. I wanna meet someone.. get to know them and continue knowing them forever. i dunno. Tahts ok tho cuz Brit is meant for the society today.. she is fast paced and deattached.. She is lucky. Anyways.. bank is getting busy.. i should prob make sure they are all set out front.
Tata... hahahaha.

Holy Jeez

So I have just spent the last few hours here at work at the bank.. and we have been pretty dead so I have been looking through this journal... and I would just say that I am fucked.. I have loved this girl since... well since before I even realized it.. I started this journal back in 2005.. It's not 2008 and look at me writing in it. I would write in it more when we were not talking than when we were. All very negative. Im fucking. fucked up or something. I can't even like.. believe some of the shit I wrote. I can't believe how things used to be. I have forgotten about so much. A few entries made me cry.. like the letter she wrote me. When her and cort were fighting with me.. but I put the email in there about how she loved me and looked up to me. How she thought I was perfect... and here we are today.. Im probably her biggest enemy. Not that it matters cuz we are really nothing to one another... which I truly must ask myself... Am I going to be able to deal with that.. When I first met her I easily "ditched" her for others.. but these past years I ditched everyone for her. Even before july 06. I dont truly know if I am completely capable of.. I dont even know what I want to do. At this point I feel like I can live without her. I am less happy at this time since I have not found someone as great as her. But I believe I can.. but there is still..  I want to break all ties with her... So we can both live on peacefully.. Cuz at this point.. if I saw her again.. I honestly do not know what I would do.. I dont feel obligated to help her anymore which almost makes my hatred and anger overrule my love and caring... I almost feel like if I saw her again Id just.. er. Like beat her ass.. haha but then again another part of me would just turn around and go as far away as possible.. but that I would also love to just walk up to her and pick up where we left off. I KNOW that wont happen cuz the other 2 overrule it. Im sure Id just turn around and.. ha WALK AWAY.

It's funny cuz I always thought that I would have a huge issue walking away... but she has made it so easy.. and its a part of me i can't control.. that cant control itself.. kind of. Like I dont make my stomach go crazy when I see her. and things like that. Phsyiologically maybe it is.. those reactions to her. But Im just amazed as how things have worked out. I feel like maybe I always said I'd never walk away cuz I didnt think I was capable. But I know now I am.. and ya still I never wanted to.. but.. honestly.... who walked away??
Id say we are split pretty even with the wrongs to eachother.. When I've driven you away, or you've just forgot about me..  I prided myself on something I did for you but you couldn't do for me.. that does not seem fair. All you worried about was someone sticking around.. yet you would make me go away? So what the fuck are you really looking for? I stuck around.. through it all.. I gave you everything.. I gave you me.. and yet you walked away anyways.. Apparently our plans were not good enough? Or maybe you want someone to stick around cuz you fuckin cant. Oh well. I dont care anymore.. I Just... wish she would realize that she caused this.. ALL of this.. the shit going on with her family.. was all this really worth it?? Amy didn't give you a life.. she destroyed it.. and Im not saying this cuz you chose her.. but at least when we hung out you were attending school.. you were playing sports... She took you from everything that made you.. you.. So it makes sense that your depressed and tweakin.. it must suck to sacrifice yourself.. EVERYTHING about yourself.. just to be unhappy.. but hey.. I know how you feel. Remember May? When you led me on.. I did everything you asked and threw it all back in my face??? What have I fuckin done to deserve this? But you nkow what.. I dont even look at it that way. This was all a blessing in disguise.. Cuz No one will ever win with you. Your are self destructive and manipulative.. and those who try to save you go down with you. Like I did time and time again. Well not this time. not ever again. once you get something you destroy it.. which is why amy will work great for you cuz you dont have to put in much effort to destroy anything since she did it for you. I just feel bad for those hurt along the way... Like kels and kris... poor girls. Crying every fuckin night cuz of their self destructive sister..

i really do hope things dont end badly. Im not saying i want brit to die. Not at all. She has a good head and heart but decides not to use it i guess. When I knew her.. ya she had down moments.. but she didnt jump out any windows and shit like that.. the closer she is to her true self the better she always was.. obviously.. for anybody.. wanna know why she is out of control right now...? she is not a fuckin 34 year old druggie hippie... shes a 17 year old intelligent beautiful athlete... she may love art.. but she doesnt need to skip school for it.. and ya this is my opinion on the matter.. but i am going to school for this shit and in rereading this journal i have realized yet again her and i are a lot alike.. we just find rewards differently... im more external and she is more internal..  which is why we worked well together cuz we gave eachother what we wanted... she wanted to be wanted.. and i wanted to want somebody.. hah.

anyways.. i dont even know what im writing about. im think im just pissed cuz my friend megan texted me last night adn told me that brit friended her.. and what the fuck was the point of that.. she met megan once.. and i dont even really know why. I htink maybe she was jealous of her or something.. but i remember i drove megan to the school JUST to meet brit.. and she already has been hanging out with kirsten.. which last time that talked brit wanted to kick her ass.. so its like.. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. leave MY friends alone.. its weird tho cuz she doesn't talk to shawn.. and well loretta is gone.. and other than that she didnt really know any of  my friends.. well all i had was her.. i shut everyone else out.. but i tweaked last night when she told em that.. i asked her not to friend her.. she asked me if she could fuck with her but i asked her not to.. brit does not need to be fucked with more... ha. and megan doesn't need to be dragged into that at all.. ha

so did i have a point with this article.. besides to empty my head some.. probably not.. just that.. I think i need to realize Ill never.. be free from brit?? maybe thats a good way to put it. But I have realized that I do not need her for anything in my life.. which is a good thing. Even though no one has compared yet.. well actually.. ha. Herb was amazing.. that was a growing love kinda thing.. more i saw him the more i wanted too.. ha. And weirdly enough Melissa has like almost topped brit. I could totally wake up next to her everydya. well before she was playing games.. and maybe if she was not married :P but.. Im not worried about comparing.. thats why I have had such an issue.. cuz everything was placed against her.. and it can't she was the first for a lot and she will always have that. But I have my life now.. Free of her. I still see her sisters some. I enjoy her family. Pretty sure that they dont always enjoy me. well mostly her mother.. but The twins I have enjoyed getting to know.. But... Im fine without her. and at this point.. We could never go back to one another in any way anywyas. too much damage. I would NEVER wanna feel that hurt again.. and I would never be able to truly love her again. Pretty much the person I loved is dead. I feel like I had to mourn a death... yet I still might see her anyday.. so weird. Anywyas.. i gotta count my drawer and such.. maybe I can get outta here earlier!!
so ya... love is definitely a bitch.. if thats even what we had..

ps... oh ya.. lucy has helped a lot.. she is amazing.. she is really like my best friend. a lil person.. and its sad cuz i bet brit woul d have really enjoyed her.. like i do. :) oh well. Im ready to move on. To find something.. may or may not be better.. but something to make me happy. :)

Leave my friends alone. I dont fuck with ur people. So dont with mine. Kirsten already gave in but megan is better than u so back off

So why would u even care about the dead in ur life..? U sacrificed everything for one person.. Was it worth it? Will it be 50 yrs from

Now? I sent that to kels.. Haha too funny..

5 years ago... U knew him. I bet u could care less tho? Well u prob did not need to care like i did. But u dont care about livin..

Long time.. no time.

Our good times have come to an end. 2008 is the promise to a new life.. without you.. and it could be like a new life.. cuz I truly feel like I have died on the inside... so thank you for all the pain and misery you have caused. At least I know it can only get better from here.. and it certainly has.. and if for some reason you read this.. cuz ha you were supposed to always love me.. dont come back. Save the effort for elsewhere cuz if you even cared one bit you would not have put me or your family thru the pain you did. So go kill yourself in portland... cuz that's what will happen. Im gonna continue with my dreams.. I will end up in Arizona.. and I will end up with someone who truly loves me and we will be together forever.. I give you and Amy.. or Tara.. or Whomever your "in love with".. til the end of summer.. cuz you can't stop your need for change.. thirst for something new.. cuz you can't find yourself.. and you never will if you keep looking in everyone but yourself.. So.. um... good bye.

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