ppparrtttt 2

So yah... um... 3 main things I suppose. In the long run, age... was a factor... but I guess I never realized it... but I spent most of my time doing 3 things. The first, was playing an image. Depending on who I was around ... would depend on how good of friends Brit and I really were.... most of the time tho it was to save myself from lectures. Like from my mother. But.. thats not something I should have been doing. I thought it was helping, cuz with all the lectures I got after I stopped doing that, it sucked. I really dont feel at times I was ashamed to say we were friends. It was just honestly like, I dont want the lecture. I can handle the faces but.. ugh. People are too stuck on images. And too stuck on being bitchy about peoples choices. ugh. anyways.. yah, oen things was trying to control how people perceived the friendship... one other thing... was that I felt.. kinda like it was my job to make sure she was OK. after we got really close... I felt almost like it was one of my reasons for living. To help her.. and make sure she was alright... Which... OBVIOUSLY made me do some wacko fuckin shit.. but... its about her being ok... in the end. Like AFTER all the dust settled, I wanted her to be happy.. not thinking that getting there is more than half the battle... (Hence Hindsight being 20/20). And I will say, I put a lot of my life into making her happy. or wha ti thought i was doing. but what i didnt see is i was kind of trying to live thru her. She reminded me a lot of myself when i was younger... and I started to live thru her, cuz she took different paths than me, ones I wished I had taken... and i kinda.. just, yah started living thru her. Which is why it was so fuckin weird when we stopped talking, cuz.. like literally I lost a part of me. Which, I dont think its totally bad what I did, cuz I cared about her a lot, cuz I DIDNT want her to make my mistakes. I just started to take it too far. Then.. the 3rd thing... trying to live upto what she thought I was... back when she first met me.. she wrote about me in a hero paper. When she told me that, I wasnt sketched out, I honestly wasnt even flattered. Cuz I didnt see why. I didnt see why AT ALL... she would look up to me. even if i wasnt mentioned in a paper.. I couldnt believe she looked up to me so much. And... that.. destroyed me. Especially after I started feeling like it was my duty to protect her... cuz then what am I supposed to do. a hero SHOULD be able to protect her.. yet I was hurting her. Like when I tlaked to her mother about her. It felt like th eonly way to protect her.. yet it made her never wanna speak to me again. So i felt I betrayed the image... which Im guessing she hasnt looked up to me in a long time.. cuz from my then end of my senior year was pretty much my downfall.... but.. and im NOT saying its her fault. She didnt build me up.  I just probably took things in different ways. Like when she'd trust me with things... like problems she had... and I obviously can't help her with certainthings... Like her past... htes... why didnt I know her then, i could have helped. I just.. I felt like I never really gave her enough... I could never really be what she saw me as or wanted me to be..  Like she always thought I was so much smarter, or so much funnier, or whatever she really thought I was. like I was really not even half as great as she thought. Which.. was kinda my own personal issue causing problems in a friendship. Low self-esteem. IDK.. I think all thi is probably really jumbled.. but for when i read this.. years in the future. and.. i think this hit me so hard too.. cuz certain parts of these I can see in other friendships... like Kristy.. she was trying to help me.. so I tried to act like what she wanted..e ven though i really wasnt better.. and id try to do anything for her.. but all she wanted was to see me better.. but i was too busy faking it to get better.. I can see it in all of them.. I never felt like I'd be good enough to be Ems friend. that she was too good for me... the last 2 are really the biggest things, I just have an issue being me. I dont know who i am... well. I cant say that, cuz I've made some insane progress. I do know who I am now.. but before, I'd be whoever they wanted me to be. Keyword they meaning GOOD FRIENDS.. so I wasnt a totally lost:P Usually certain traits i already had would come out more or fade a wee bit.. but yah.. i need to make sure when i help people.. i dont go to the extreme.. an di think i did with brit cuz.. liek this summer. well one key was I had a blast with her. but 2... i was.. not right over the summer. I pretty much felt... my life was done... so i focused on my friends who needed me.. and prety much devoted myself to them. Hence why I drove to Telstar and Jay for games, I ONLy went to Ems big meets... and yet I was driving to Brits telstar game?! see. I have jsut as much fun with both fo them... but.. i was hoping by being at her game, it'd lift her spirits. not that she needed to be happier. Although i really did enjoy watching her play, I love watching high school sports.. it seems pure to me.. idk.. its weird. anyways not the point.
Yah... living thru people or for people. I just fuckin need to be me. the reason things with brit got as bad as they did... all i wanted to do.. was give her what she wanted... which... I couldnt.. and I guess thats when I lost it.. cuz.. i mean.. i could have, but I couldnt. so.. it made me feel... like i wasnt living up to what she needed... and.. i just went downhill from there with her. Even though things would have been fine if I could have just chilled out. In high school.. i had an issue with proving my friendship thru objects. I was often told by my friends they were upset cuz they felt i was buying their friendship.. but my main issue was that i NEEDED them to know i cared.. and all i could do was... buy them that whoopie pie they craved, or that poster they wanted on their wall. which i stil will spend too much on my friends. but i also try to do too much. ugh. imnot writing about this anymore. it's pathetic.. like honestly I lost friends for OVERCARING. which I totally understand that I should have but.. like.. most of the time people lost friends cuz "they never really cared" well.. I lost friends cuz I care too much. Oh well... cant change the past. but ocne I care about myself more that will all change. when you really dont care about yoruself, you need someone to care about.. and thats what i did... sighs.. i love firguring things out.. **I've cried today over this whole idea... 4 times... and i realized it.. @... 3:30 i think.. and its 9.. but i think they are kinda tears of joy, like YAY IM REALLY GETTING BETTER... but also like.. wtf why couldint i really SEE that...  oh well, cuz things are turning around. Im getting away from weed, havent been drunk in who knows how long, have cutten in a while too, Im starting to know who i am, oh goodness, hahaa Im done. hooray!!

(Note: I just filled in the msuic listening to.. which im not listening ot that song..welll i did for a while, but I dont wanan forget that song, cuz I dont wanna forget the video.. like wtf?! or what the video reminds me of ;P)

Thank you Bethel

So.. I dont have too much toime to write this.. and i have no backspace button.. so there will rpob be a lot of werrors... i will probably have to finsih this later... but... I was driving home today from VT. Well from NH, and riding.. hah... and... i seriously had af fuckin breakthru... and it kidna made me laugh because...  the reason i knew it was a real breakthru.. is cuz i felt almost like having a breakdown... it was bad. I was in the car... with my motehr driving.. and we went by the telstar school... and I was remembering the school... Angela beating me in XC for the first time...  The other year when we ran there and a girl like.. BROKE her ankle on one of hte weird hills. And of course, since its in this journal.... brits softball game. started thinking about the whole situation again... and it was weird.. driving by the school... it almost... like.. broke down a dam.. holding back tons of memories. this wasnt a bad thing.. it helped me realize something... I FINALLY GET THE SITUATION I HAD WITH HER.. from my perspective... I finally understand intentions, thoughts, feelings, actions. and I know i did cuz everything makes sense.. everything i've done. EVERYTHING. another thing i ***OK wtf.. i have to pause this... its so weird, i almost IMed Kristy last week.. or who knows maybe I did.. but.. she IMed me tonight... and I must say.. even though it might not amount to a friendship again.. it honestly.. made my year so far, haha. Oh i had to type this cuz i just turned on my music and Movies by AAF was playing.. which is totally a Kristy memory song. not directly, but when i turned it on i thought of the IM so.. I NEEDED to write about it.  but. i need to shift the crowd Im in.. cuz its hard to stop smoking pot if i hang out with potheads... but.. in my breakdown stage this fall/winter... i burned some bridges.. which Im hoping to rebuild. and get myself back on the right track. I knew it was a good idea to put Kristy on "the shelf". (SHelf above my bed, has all the people who have changed my life up on it... like i have a pic of nate and i.. then tons of stuff around it, like our prom tags, cards he's given me. then Kristy, and some small things she gave me, then chels j. then keith... hten Em and Ash.. in the middle :) then B, then Brit, then... Amanda. oh yah, anyways...

So.. the car ride. yah, i had to try to roll over in my seat so my mom couldnt see the few tears I shed. I need to go right now.. but i will write all the realizations when i get home.. cuz...  Iwant it in here to look back on... but i dont have time ot writ ethat now, and i dont wanna start it. plus.. im still kinda piecing it together. its, just.. friggin awesome. i love this whole, "getting heatlhy" shit!! its awesome. i feel good. :) Although in my realization it made me wanna call her up and be like, lets do something we've had a fun 4 years... then oops, reality. Im still an asshole..