not going so bad... i mean, i still feel like an ass. and I miss the good times. But I guess talking to Melissa really helped. I know what I gotta do. Finally.

Doing what the mother told me to do. Backing off. doesnt mean i dont care.. but... mothers know best i suppose... oh yah, and your welcome for the gift. I fuckin knew i shouldnt have. ok. i reallly must stop with this journal. adios.

K, give her space.. and if im lucky, we'll be friends again...

One thing I have noticed... Is that the longer this goes on.. without me knowing what I've done... the less and less I do wanna be there.. cuz this just digs a hole in me... and im not gonna be able to take it much longer. No matter what I said. Plus, technically I wouldn't be like everyone else, cuz if she wanted a friendship... she'd tell me... so perhaps I should just go back to the old plan. Walk away, until she tells me what she wants... well not walk away but. yah know. wait for whats going on. Cuz I've just done too much stupid shit to fuck this up again...

Yah, heard it already.

Why does everyone give me the same afvice. Im not fuckin walking away. It's not gonna happen. Until I get told by her to walk away. Im not. although she probably will soon cuz she probably thinks Im trying to piss her off when im not. I wanted to see Amero. He's trying to help me with some things.. and I saw the girls had practice.. so i went up.. and im not gonna do what he suggested... since the only way i could probably figure it out would be to go to brit's mom. because.. I know brit's mom plays bball on sundays and I'd ask her if I cuold play.. or if she knew where i could play. but keyword. Brit's Mom. So I will instead prob trying working out with my uncle.. he actually plays bball on sundays also. so maybe he knows a league i could play with or something... idk. I just need to get back into sports. Amero even mentioned it. How I was always happiest during cross-country... and that probably doing a sport would really help out.... i just.. i can't even write right now. like. I know I pissed her off. But I honestly dont even completely know what shes mad at me for. What shes still mad about. I dont know what her intentions are with me. Are we becoming friends agains? Or is she just enjoying watching me call myself an ass. I've fuckin paid for what I KNOW I've done. Why the fuck won't she just talk to me about this shit. I should have stuck with my original rule. but I want to be friends with her again. I do. I'll admit it. I want to fuckin hang out. I wanted to talk to her today as she avoided me. but obviously Im still not liked by her. Which... IDK what to write anymore. Im just... stuck.  I wish.. she'd make this easy.. I know I dont deserve it.. but I just wish she'd talk to me. Tell me what I did. and what she's doing with me. Why randomly IM me.. and barely talk. Show NO emotion in the IMs? Cuz.. yah.. it kinda upsets me. It hurts to see what has happened to us. And IDK. I just dont know. I can't do anything unless she talks to me. Cuz, I can't continue the IMs and not know where they are going... cuz.. it hurts. and if thats all her plan is, is to hurt me. She's done it. She's been IMing me since November and upsetting me. I say we are fuckin even and it's time to make a decision. Friendship or no. I get she doesnt wanna talk to me, IN person.. so its hard to be friends. But she should at least fuckin let me know.  Im fighting for this friendship cuz I let the other ones go. I let the other people go. I dont wanna do this with this friendship. I wanna fight for it. But, its hard to since I dont really know what Im fighting for.. will the fight be worth it, or a lost cause.... I guess if it's a lost cause, it will still be worth it. Knowing I gave it all I had.. and yet again... ok. I gotta.. idk.. hah. not write anymore.

WTF... as every minute of everyday goes by.. I realize more and more about my life... and usually.. its shit i dont wanna realize.. cuz i know i have to change it. and theres one thing ive realized.. that should be written in this journal. but i can't write it. cuz i get so angry at myself for all the things i've fucked up... and i wanna make myself pay.. but i dont know how.. i really dont cut anymore at all.. but i dotn know what to do to myself.. i can barely type these entries cuz my pinky knuckle turns red within 10min... the only way i wont have to pay are if things are fixed.. but certain things can't be fixed. its not in my power... so.. im once again stuck in a cycle.. that i can't control.. it controls me...

Dug thru more boxes and found more pics. OK.. I guess my maine issue as to why I always fucked things up.. was I probably never REALLY realized how much certain people meant to me. and I never really thought thru certain things with those people... and I pulled out my little steal box, and sure enough, the people that mean the most to me, had many things to remember them by in there... there was the journal entry from Krsity when our friendship ended... hah. about the chest I made her for her journals.. i wonder if she still has it... hah. there was brit's soccer pic that still had the putty from having it hung up in my car.. i remember that... i think im gonn ahave to stop looking thru old stuff. Cuz i really just end up hating myself more. cuz i know the shit with brit is all my fault right now
and the more i look thru old shit, the more i really realized I should have known all along how much she meant to me.
the 2 other friendships that showed up a lot.. were completely different... Kristy.. well thats hah.. idk.. and Chels... once she kinda noticed she could do anything cuz she had a good personality and looks... she was sucked into the popularity contest... idk. I guess now that i see all this stuff it makes me wanna change even more. cuz... reading old IMs finding the old pics in my "ALWAYS CHERISH" box..:-\ i kinda cried.. hah. i wont lie.. but now i need to get back to cleaning... i clean well when im angry i bet my room will be looking good soon... i might have to shower first tho... to cool off...
cuz im like purple with anger and kinda still crying a lil bit. like wtf was my problem. the more i realize things, the more speechless i get... and idk if thats good or bad...

i have a hard time closing IMs these days... cuz Im afraid it will always be the last IM I receive. From numerous people too.. I have left IMs up for almost a week... just because... hah. weird. oh well.. im closing them all right now.. =-O=-O :-P ok.. and i havent cleaned at all.. ive been watching a movie... hahah. I need to start now tho.. mother put all my shit in the dining room.. so i HAVE to find it a home.

Ok so kinda stealing another entry.. but..

OK so... I was actually looking thru some myspaces last night.. and since I was reading up on old times... I found myself browsing some of my past friends profiles... such as Kristys.... so.. Kristy had written ONE blog entry on her myspace, and for the hell of it, i clicked on it... the weird part... is that it was written yesterday... and that... it says almost exactly how I feel.. and I couldnt say.. here it is..

dear malden,

(code name for any one who could classify as a secret hole in which one can vent information into and then suck up into a void of blackness...)

i feel like my life is at a standstill. my entire life i have been told that i am a failure, that i am not good enough, that someone is always better than i. it was my own parents who quickly taught me that this was my value's worth but it could be myself who confirmed this notion: i am nothing.

every time i get something that i am content with in my life, i mess it up. if i am not doing something where i am one hundred and ten percent comfortable in my own bitter sadness, and if i start to become a woman whose heart breaths warmth, then i tend to lean towards finding a way to become saddened anyway. i manage to hurt the only thing that means the most to me, in the words that i choose to use.. I FAIL.

now three years since i have completely broken free of my parents grasp, i still FAIL at all relationships that get close to my heart. my friends i keep an arms length away, my parents a mile, and my boyfriend i manage to hurt despite my desperate attempts in the other direction.

if you've ever known what it's like to be the cause of a deep wound in someone's heart, then i feel sympathy for you. i also know what this is like...  and i know what it's like to wake up, live through a day, and go to sleep thinking about nothing other than the fact that you were the one who held the knife. i know what it's like to wish that you were anyone else in the world other than the person that you are-- a heartbreaker.

sometimes i blame my parents for this title. othertimes i blame whoever i happened to hurt that week. but most of the time, i know exactly whose fault all of this mess has been created around: me.

venturing away from these titles are almost impossble, i have discovered over the past few years. once you earn a title, you keepa title, you continue to master the title until people start to see you differently, if they EVER do change their views of you.

i fear that that is what is happening in my life. i have been told that i am heartbreaker. i know deep within my chest that that is what i am. every single day of my life i am reminded of this fact, and i feel "heartbreaker" tremble from the tips of my toes through my body and sizzle within my soul.

i know what i have done, and as much as i try to rewind or change things for the better or make the future a strong one, i never succeed. i feel like i am beating my head against a brick wall at times, but as much as i keep beating, nothing is breaking but the faith slipping out from within my bones.

however, i have also learned that titles are only manmade. and unlike the butterflies that flutter on your shoulders in the summertime, or the butterflies that flicker in your belly when you've fallen head over heels in love; titles have been created by humans, given to humans, and are able to change human relationships in a way that can resurrearte faith altogether.

so you see, as much as this title of heartbreaker injures my soul, it only makes the faith within me stronger. it tells me to keep fighting, keep pressing for the elimination that i am more than the names that humans give one another, but most importantly "heartbreaker" reminds that if you beat your head against a brick wall long enough, it eventually will break through.

c. kristina

soon please do forgive
not asking to forget
please do remember
i will forever regret.

with time we will mold
with time we are mending
trust will mesh us together
bring our new happy ending.
(http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=15161190&blogID=77875687&MyToken=3f540f51-79dd-438b-ba27-f92f856793a3)

It's so weird to me... her writing this at the same time im about to just flip my lid cuz i dont know why i do the things I do... but then i read that.. and just like.. nodded thru the whole thing pretty much.. and felt so relieved after... cuz she had explained my exact problem also.. alright well i gotta get some food... ill write later I suppose.

So I found an old CD... with "OLD COMP STUFF" on it.. and I put it in.. it has... IMs.. from friggin.. 2003... so I looked at some with Em.. not very exciting. i have all the exciting ones saved.. So i went in and looked at all the ones on 2 17.... and it looks like every year... its been a bad day.. on Feb 17 2003... brit and I got in a huge fight, in 2004, Em and I got into a fight, and iddnt talk for a couple weeks. feb 17 2004, Timmy shoots himself... wtf?! actually I think the most interesting IMs on this are either from Kristy or Brit. I used to be.. .really dumb. and these IMs just make me laugh.. and they kinda suck too.
BritnieMahre12 (9:09:51 PM): britt considers you as a Bff and you dont even talk to her..well i guess she should just forget about the relationship because parently u dont care about it
THat is what courtney sent me 2/17/2003.. and hten of course, I freaked otu and said i did care but i was having a hard time. and getting walked on and cutting.
but still.. holy moly. ouch. hah. see, I didnt even remember this fight, and this one ended with Brit telling me to fuck off and me calling her pyscho
but then there are happy IMs about sports, and hanging out, and us just insulting eachother 24/7
alright well i found a SHITLOAD of pics I gotta go get developed and loaded online.. so.. i will write in here later after I read up some IMs.. cuz Im thinking.. if I read up on teh Kristy, Brit, Em ones.. I'll be able to see wher ei fucked up.. which i pretty much know anyways.. but i feel like my friendships are on repeat...
ok so.. I feel like an ass again.. i actually havent left yet.. well i just wrote that entry 2min ago but... hah.. ok i NEED to put this is here.. cuz these are the times I remember.. and this is why i feel like an ass.. cuz I remember these days. and that I fucked them up..
Brit if your reading this entry. I'd say stop. or dont read on. I just kinda want this saved. It's a letter I'll always cherish.

Hey, I am sorry for yelling and bitching at you...It wasn't all cortney..it was partially me. I was pissed off at different people because they know when to say the wrong things at the wrong time. But when you wrote that thing that said something like see you on the other side waiting with Keith...That totally flipped me out..and i started crying ( in my closet) and i was scared because i didnt want anything to happen to you because you mean a lot more than you think to me. and all the stuff i said about wanting to be just like you and how i thought you were the perfect person...It's all true. You may not believe it or not but it is.
But yeah you do and did a lot for me like goin to my games, and many other things and I love you for that.yeah i understand that you may want to be around people more your age but cort and i feel like you are just forgeting about us. and last night when you said that Emily was you Best Friend, I think i may have gotten a little jealous because I cnosidered you as my best friend and you didnt consider me as one..but o well i guess..I'll soon get over it. But Cort is waiting for me and i guess i will write and finish this email later...But just remember that You can tell me things and talk to me about things..you may think i am too young to understand but I understand more things that you think..lol. But talk to you later..Love ya!!
~*Britts*~

P.S your still Captain Cluck Nut!!!! lol:-)
even tho we've both caused our fair share of problems... I feel like a huge ass. How did I go from being someone she looked upto.. to being probably the number 1 person she'd love to punch in the face?? Yah.. that takes talent... or bad luck.
What I honestly think.. is that.. I have really good luck with MY LIFE.. but I really do try to help others with my life... but i have bad luck with people. Cuz.. i have incredilbe luck with driving and otehr stupid shit I do.. but.. other people.. hah. but Im hoping to fix that!:-) hence the researching. and Kristy and Brit are prob the best to investigate.

OK breaking away from topic

So.. Monday is that evil day... and... im not quite sure yet... what will be happening that day. I was gonna see if some people wanted to go to the tree with me.. but IDK who... well I was actually gonna offer a ride to people who didnt have one.. and wanted to go eitehr to the cemetery or the tree. Cuz I know I wouldnt really feel like asking my parents to drive me there. My mom wouldnt have understood. So i think i will ask around and see who can't get there that day... Liberate played today... while i was on my way home from work.. and it was weird.. cuz i had pretty much just gotten into my car. left cumbys and i was JUST turning onto 202 to come home.. and i was flipping thru the channels.. CYY had a song i didnt like so i kept going.. then i happened to flip back thru CYY and it was the commercial so i was like OH maybe a good song will play.... Liberate came on.... adn i was happy and sad at the same moment. hah. It was weird... cuz that was the song we were listening too that night... a lot. it was one of his fave songs... i think he liked it just because it said mother fucker thru the whole thing, hahaha. idk.. i still kidna feel like i could take partial blame. like.. if we hadnt been cruising around... it wouldnt have gotten them wanting to ride too.. ugh.. mother is home... uumm.. but ya.. cuz they didnt wanna stop driving around when i decided to stop... which is probably why they went out again.. to have more driving tiem... perhaps if i had just gone back with then said they were done... they would have called it a night. and i know its REALLY dumb to say and its like forever ago.  but... honestly. i wish people would just agree with me on that. i coudl have enticed them... perhaps to go out driving again.. and i took them over by the cemetery on.. well cemetery road cuz of the cool jump you can hit.. so i wonder if they went over that and were gonna loopa round.. like what if they wer.. ok.. yah now im being kinda dumb. but honestly.. idk what id do if i found out Ally and Keith just wanted more time together, and to hit the jump I showed them.. granted they could have gone the other way on ridge road..  but still.. idk. I feel like I had an oppurtunity to save someone, and i just made ti worse. I guess thats why i take all this shit so hard.. cuz i try to help others.. and now i feel like I could have helped Keith die. and I obviously hurt brit a lot... to try to bring this journal backto its topic. ha... now to stray again..ugh.. school wed. Im afraid.. hah. This is gonna be SO weird.. being home.. and going to school..  hopefully I'll get brits presents today or monday... ah shit.. monday is a holiday. ah and fairchild told me today that they have a home game tues. and i close tues... i think im gonna tyr to get someone to switch.. even tho.. thats what i offered to him. actually i think i asked for a morning shift.. fuckin buddy. ha. hes a nice manager but a cruel schedule maker! um. but yah i really wanted to go. and then perhaps I could just give the presents to hre sisters or something for her. Ill go and see where they are possibly... i think i can track that package. Im glad I chose standard shipping and not friggin free shipping. that would have taken to long for the purpose of the present. oh and i need to buy a card. well, Damn.. its in Mass... so it prob wont be here Tues. friggin A. er. hah. oh well ill leave it in her mailbox. I kinda wish I could see her face when she opens it tho... which is why i would to it at a bball hoping she may open it at the end. hhm. that sucks... er. I forgot monday was a holiday. damn. uum.... yah i gotta get a card tonight. im going into rite aid from 10ish-3ish. yup, tonight.. as in pm to am. cuz they are waxing the floors ro something.. and Amanda doesnt wanna be in there alone.. and i dont get paid.. but.. and i actually never said yes.. is the sad part. she just asked buddy if i could, and since he said yes.. i guess she felt i would. hah. and she said we could prob go otu and smoke... i dont want too. I dont want to smoke anymore. and im sick of her tellnig me im being dumb. i love how she says Ems a bad friend for telling me smoking is dumb.. and she does the same thing, but gets me to fuckin do it.. which is worse. But.. its ok cuz soon i will have another job.. and then i can not see her as much.. and i wont be around it AT ALL. cuz i mean there are times they arent assholes and dotn make me smoke.. but i still smell like it cuz i go over and they smoke and watch movie.. and i just sit there and get eaten by their dog.. hah. so. but... idk im afraid now of what will happen. I dont drink, smoke, or cut. Will I get a new bad habit during this stressful time.. or will i actually manage without one? hhmm.. i feel rather dumb for writing this entry. its not supposed to be in here, but once again. Oh well. its not really anything brit can't know.. or doesnt already know. i think.. hah. ok well i really need a friggin nap.. since Ive barely had 8 hours of sleep the last 2 nights combined... yah, Im looking REAAALLLLYYY pretty right now, sporting the black under the eyes, and just the eyes half closed anyways. my 4 hour shift DDDDRRRAAGGGGGGGEEEEDDDD today :( Nap time. hah. that way mother can't bother me :)

aaww.... I just remembered when she used to come into work and visit me... like after practice or something... id turn around BAM, theres my little brittles... I guess its true when they say you dont realize what you have til its gone. I guess I never really realized how she was such a big part in my life.. I prob didnt realize cuz I spent most of my time with her, and the rest of the time covering it up to certain people... like mother... who would lecture me about young people. Or other friends who'd get mad taht I was hanging out with Brit and not them... perhaps if i had jsut LIVED and not hidden it would have been easier.. although at the time that really felt easier.. and it still does. if people dont like to hear things, why tell them right?
And it was stupid reasons. Like they never said, EW BRIT DONT HANG OUT WITH HER.. all they said was, ugh.. 15 year old??? but... age doesnt matter to me so id always say, ya so what. People and I just had diff views.
yah, anwyays, sorry I just read an away message that connected thru to me working and her visiting. prob better anyways since i dont necessarliy get visitors.. but i know a lot of people that shop there so it looks like im always just talking to people. Oh and i of course get the occasional visit from zach.... er. Him and that little creature walk in.. stare at me... giggle giggle.. walk out.. like honestly.. at first i was cool with it.. its a store.. but then the 3rd time they did it.. and DIDNT buy anything... i started to follow them out. hahah
like honestly, grow the fuck up... gag vomit neighbor... gag vomit.. I see his mom ALL the time in Rite Aid just talked to her yesterday. i'd like to become cool with Zach too. IDK what his problem is with me. I didnt do anythign to him. Yah I told brit the truth... she deserved to hear it. He can get pissy about that.. why cuz I ruined him getting laid? no. Cuz I didnt,w ell. She still talked to him after I told her.. and she hated me more, and then she foudn out thru something else about him?!?! So why do I get blamed for fuckin everything
just cuz I take it??? Ill just sit hear and type in my journal instead of thinking up awful revenge?
whatever.. work time.. hooray... 945 145... lovely 4 hour shift... and i bet no one i enjoy is working... like <3 Skylar <3 haha ok thats all i enjoy

Im fucking hyper to no end.. cuz i hung out with a good friend of mine tonight.. one who doesnt judge.. and actually like.. listened to the whole brit story.. and onw its fuckin 130 in th morning and i cant sleep... but i cant type it all out right now.. like honestly this is weird.. im like.. at a loss of words about thsi situation.. im starting to get angry. instead of just upset of where we are.. im plain old angry
perhaps its because i REALLY like.. idk.. when i heard myself talk about it and someone elses input... and.. i just... am at a loss of words.. like.. i guess all i can say, is that what brit and i DONT say to eachother.. will keep haunting us... and keep ripping us apart... but i really hope.. that we can keeping finding eachother.. idk.. i just.. dont wanna get angry.
cuz.. i just.. tonight when i talked about it... i realized how much i had sacrificed.. not that i REALLY care... what i sacrificed from myself.. but.. thats just why.. im getting angry.. all i want is another shot.. a whole hearted shot... and i guess i dont get why this time... it'd gotta be this way.. i mean.. i get i hurt her.. rpobably more than shell ever let me know.. but.. er... idk see i cant even put it into words... idk i guess i just kinda felt that with all the sacrifices i've made.. i should get another shot.. even tho she doent know half of them.. maybe if she did kow them she would have given me a shot.. if she saw how much fought our friendship.. but i fought back. cuz i wanted the friendship. and i still do. but i guess thats why im getting angry. cuz i feel like i gave up so much.. and i still am.. and for what?
idk if these IMs will eventually lead to a friendship... she doesnt tell me anything.. and im just getting plain old angry.. .like.. hah.. i need to know.. things.. i need to know whats going.. she said occasional IMing and she still cant see me in person but.. like.. i wish i could just fuckin know.. i think soon i may ask her if there's any chance she could Email me the things i've done.. cuz if we don't talk about them.. i could do them again..
i obviously get the trsut thing... well the zach thing.. idk if ZACH bothered her.. the whole make out thing.. or the trust thing.. or both. and... did i cause other problems.. im sure i did.. even tho.. well i dont think i did. the whole rumor shit. after the whole crush thing, i fuckin shut my mouth
besides for the alex slip up.. i said nothing, and that wasnt even that bad.. like i was mad at brit.. so i swore. but all i really said was "Whatever.. i dont fuckin care, i hope her and nicole are happy together, with wahtever the fuck they are." and yes i mentioned brit had a crush on me to alex but um... people questioned anyways! and i discussed it with a few of my close friends.. but none of them really cared enough to ell anyone
actually they cared so little, for the 3 years i was friends with brit, they told me not to be "shes just 15 so waht... shes just doing it for attention... why do you care" but i shake the comments off.. cuz i do care, and brit meant more than the people saying the comments, cuz those people are fuckin idiots. and i guess thats why im angry.. i put up with so much shit.. cuz all i told myself was, we're friends forever. everythings worth it. i fucked it up before, she fucked it up before.. and we pulled thru, so why the fuck is this time different... why the fuck.. after.... SSSOOOO many months... am i still stuck jsut questioning everythin in this fuckin journal.
everything completely fuckin changed when i saw her at the game.. shes not the 12 year old girl i met... not at all.. im not the hero anymore.. im not the friend anymore... im probably more of a a role model of what NOT to be... id prob do her more good not to be around.. but i stick around.. until she can honestly say I DONT WANT YOU HERE.. I'll be around because... i care.. and this is what real friends do.. and i know i havent acted like a real friend at all times in the past but.. i mean.. people mess up.. i didnt know what to do when she told me certain things..
i did what i thought was right, like talking to her mother... and ya i spoke out hwen i was drunk.. but 1. people already wondered about her.. and 2. it's alex.. shes pretty harmless.. i could have told baby trista... who.. when she came up to me at the fair and asked about brit and nicole, "I said... no comment. I dont know what's going on. But I think it's awesome Brit found a good friend" AND when she tried to bribe me.. by saying she heard brit saying shit about me.. i didnt care.. i said, i still have no comment cuz i had nothing to say cuz i knew nothing..
er... whatever the past is the past.. i guess the bottom line is im jsut angry. cuz... i sacrificed a lot for that friendship.. and i know i fucked it up.. but.. it wasnt the first time.. and we always cmae back even stronger.. and if i know.. that the friendship is coming back, i'd keep sacrificing.. but i have nothing left to give.. i mean.. what else could i do?? She wont talk to me in person... she doenst usually answer my IMs.. i feel like she does eventually want me around again but... this process is MIGHTY slow and mighty painful but. like i said, im not like anyone else.. and im sticking around til she says GO AWAY... im such an ass.. hah.
THINGS LEARNED TODAY
Im an ass... still. hah.
Sacrificing is a huge risk.... but a risk worth taking
Are true friends friends forever? I'll soon find out..

Ill write tomorrow morning, Im hanging out with Annie!! Yay yay.. oh the monmouth gossip.. only in monmouth.. can a guy be a lesbian!!!

So yah.. one dream i had was that iw as playing ball... with an old friend... and everything was fine and dandy.. and the weird part.. is that after playing bball.. iw as in my room and there was an IM from her saying how we were gonn ahang out.. well, when i woke up.. i knew that wasnt true cuz... i would have left the IM up.. or even saved it.. and there was nothing.. hah.. i think its weird czu i fell back asleep twice
and i had 3 dreams i can remember.. cuz it was like.. light sleep.. but sleep.
but... that dream was jsut harsh.. hah.. well then again so wasnt another one.. involving a boy:-) that has meant a lot to me in the past... and i dreamt we were together, idk if we were TOGETHER.. but we were having fun... and i miss him a lot.. er.. ok once again.. doing this before work DOESNT work cuz now Ill be all nice and bummed for work
I WONDER IF THE GIRLS HAVE A GAME TONIGHT!?!

That was an obnoxious dream.. hah. good thing i can tell reality from dreams. i had 3 diff dreams last night!
and one of them was just ridiculous and i almost believed it
i gotta go shower and then i will write about it.

Wow... thats a little evil... asking someone to die? yikes... hah.
I did see the jeep FLY by around 1... hm... weird... that must be why.

i didnt really get time to write before work today.. i keep trying to work on my room and get nowhere.. and im still thinking about what to write about... im still reflecting.. and cant quite get it out into words yet.. hah.. which is ridiculous i know but... there's a lot to think about.. and to reflect on.. so im expecting another SUPER long entry when i get home tonight from work.. but i better go shower, since i need to be AT work in... 55min.. hah.

omg.. so pathetic.. iw as about to write another journal entry.. saying how i coudlnt write tonight.. and id have to wait til tomorrow.. and then when i clicked to open it.. POOF theres the entry i already wrote saying i cant write tonight.. im... smart. i know.. this is how i am all the time.. sleepy.. and braindead... where are my meds!

I need to write tomorrow.. I cant think tonight...

Reflections on the week... oh wait its only Tuesday..

High points of the week
* Skylar ;P
*The basketball game
*Sledding
*Snowmobiling in the woods
*Sleeping... ALL the time..
*Seeing Gouch, Brandon, and KRISTIN!! at the game tonight.. fun people.. when they arent completely wasted.. hah.
....k thats really stretching some shit.. hah...
Low points of the week
*Wayne's chemo not gonig well
*Mom asking me to move out
*Amanda's jealousy
*Amanda's dog eating me alive!
*Work
*School starting next week, NO BOOKS YET!
*NO money.. had to sneak into the game tonight.. hah
*Sold over half my movies yesterday.
*Brit's present has a shipping estimate from this friday... to the frickin 22?!?! It better get here Friday!
*Emily ignoring me at the game tonight.. guess shit isnt fixed.
ok.. im gonna stop there.. cuz this is ridiculous.. hah.

Anyways... so yah.. i went to the game tonight. i thougth it was a very good game. they played really well. They had some great plays that worked over and over again. Brit did really well also. She had to play against 30 for a while!! Shawn and I feared for her life ;P well no, not really. I knew shed be alright. she did really well against her. She boxed that bitch out, .... yet the girl coudl still get the ball. that was the cutest face ever, hah. When she boxed her out and the bitch still got the ball. what more could brit have done. i really never realized she was only 5 6... well i did.. but that was when i thought i was only 5 8 ... but soon realized i have now hit almost 5 11... if i stand up straight. but, yah like i said i thought she did well. she still doesnt get LOADS of playing time, but i enjoyed watching her play tonight.. I noticed she doesnt really shoot much.. or she didnt tonight.. But I know she does shoot cuz when i read up on the games in the paper, i see her name with some numbers next to it. even if its just one basket... hey, that means she shot! IDK i probably missed it tonight but, i dont remember her ever putting it up. I really dont see why Amero doesnt play her more, I think she does really well. I cant wait to watch some of the softball games. Whether I once again need to just show up or whether we are talking then.

Well i just got the text.. os i will have to finish this later tonight.. or tomorrow..

I will write a little bit later.. im... still taking everything in.. hah.. my head hurts... and now im hanging out with a guy.. that might attack me... for sex... great.. wonderful.. yay.. alright well if i write i survive. sighs... i feel like such an ass.... seriously. If i ever fuck up this bad with someone again... idk what i'll do.. cuz.. I just wanted to put my head into the cement wall.. I deserve it.. she should have punched me... i dont think her parents know much.. but they probably caught on tonight.. I was talking to her dad.. when i saw her coming i left... when i came back in i like.. didnt say anything.. i fuckin wanted to.. i wanted to say, good game, now come outside with me and punch me in the face. or torture me or whatever do whatever!! alright.. i gotta go.. ill write.. 11ish prob.. i hope... er. im sad.

just punch me in the face anyway.... er.. i seriously feel like such an ass. and i asked ehr why she cant speak to me.. and she couldnt really answer.. it sounded kinda like over anger still.. maybe being hurt.. who knows.. but she said i could go to the game tomororw night!!! SO guess where I will be...!! ok.. just since.. i realized this.. her IMs are so different.. and depressing.. barely any punctuation.. NO emotion... i kinda wanna ask hre if this IMing will eventually turn into a friendship.. otherwise it's probably not worth it... cuz... i think it hurts her more... and that bugs me.. god. im glad this never happened with em ro ash..
but it never really would.. I dont think i've ever known anyone or been so... like.. personally connected to someone.. and i think thats why this is erking me so much.. cuz.. like.. i get in fights with other people but.. i'd never been as close with other people than i was with brit. cuz she told me quite a bit.. and well she knows a coupel things NO other people know... so i raelly feel like... i need to do anything.. to just make her better. but i cant.. cuz she cant speak to me.. so.. i guess i will show up.. like... RIGHT at 7 or well 650ish for warm ups... i wanted to catch some of jv but.. this will be mighty awkward.. i dont wanna go back in that school. Id seriously almost rather catch an away game!
but.. i'll go.:-) I really wanna go! ive been waiting to go! I feel like im a fucking dog going for a car ride... well yah.. um anwyays.. i can't really talk about this cuz i have lots of eye make up on.. (and OH YAH DID IT FUCKIN WORK.. for future readings.. like way future when i dont remember this moment!! Skylar=hooked;-) What girlfriend!!!) hahaha so yah.. idk whether to stay in this when i go see him AGAIN or.. go into sweats... oh well. but yah.. i need to go play my army game and shoot some fuckin people before i shoot myself or my fuckin parents....
poor matt... i feel your pain buddy.. but Im smarter than you:-) I wont get caught.
I kinda wish she could see me in person, cuz I have so many fun times running thru my head... OC and CSI marathons, sledding, snowmobiling!! Perhaps a little shopping, idk theres SOOOO much.. anyways.. that was my depressing thought.. all the times we miss out on.. but hey, im just hoping SOME times come back.. even if its not til summer or fall.. trampolines:-) 4 wheelers, clouds and sun! pools! omg.. yah. depressing, watery eyes. gosh, im so dramatic sometimes and i dont even mean to be. haha

So i guess now I really now why matt wanted to blow his brains out back in hs...... its living with my parents...

This is for you Keithy..

Can't Be True

 

The Thursday night was still very young,
Keith, Allison and I needed some fun.
So the three of us got in Allison's car,
I drove around, but not all that far.
Keith popped in his Disturbed CD,
(That music will always stay with me.)
They were in the back seat on that chilling night;
I’d see them kissing at the occasional street light.
They were happy, but wanted more,
so I put the pedal to the floor.

The speedometer hit seventy and we jumped the track,
I felt the chills go up my back.
They were cheering and having fun..
But I decided that I was done.
With no license, no glasses, I drove back to the school.
Keith and Allison were bummed, because riding was cool!

I walked back in and caught the end of the game;
I talked to Emily, whose night was lame.
I informed her of what I had just done,
She said it was dangerous and scary, definitely not fun.

Allison and Keith entered the gym.
I went over and nudged Allison while staring at him,
We shared a laugh and gave each other a hug.
I went over to Keith and gave him a tug.
He turned and gave me a devilish grin;
I chuckled and pulled him close by a safety pin.
I told him to be good and enjoy his night,
He gave me a hug and replied, "Be good, yeah right!!"
I walked away not knowing the event to come.
What was wrong with me, why was I so dumb!!

Now Keith has passed away to another place,
He'll always be in my heart, he will not be replaced.
Allison is alive and rehabbing in Delaware,
What happened is tragic, it is NOT fair.
I cried many tears, but Keith is gone.
I'm trying so hard to just move on,

But what if it happened while I was the driver?
What if I had crashed, would Keith be a survivor?
I can't help but wonder if something could have been done,
Could I have changed an event when we were out having "fun"?? I will always have images of them in my head,
I will always wonder.. why Keith, why must HE be dead..

I am not wishing for Allison to be gone too,
Why take Keith, he was too good to be true...?
Why was I illegally driving an hour before fate?
I wish I had known, but the next morning was too late.

My mom walked in and what she said was true.
She said a boy named Keith died and asked if he was someone I knew..
I thought she found out about last night's car ride.
But no, she just said a girl was in the ICU and that the boy had died..
I turned on the TV onto Channel Six,
There was Ally's Sunfire.. sideways.. in the ditch.
Keith dead in the morgue, Allison lying broken in the ICU.
All I could think was that this can not be true...
Why did it happen, why was there nothing I could do.
Dear friends, gone and living, I will always love you.

 

http://www.geocities.com/run_crazy56/cantbetrue.html

hah, everytime she IMs me I hate myself... cuz instead of 24/7 IMing and hanging out.. i get occasional IMing.. that I usually miss... and... idk.. i just miss the old days... cuz there are only a few friendships I miss.. i wish i could just like.. trade friends... hah. cuz right now I see myself thinking the right way.. but going downt he wrong path...
Like Amanda... who.. after I tell her i have asthma now.. tells me "its ok my cousin smokes ALL time and she has asthma..." thats a great friend.. hah. or the fact that i feel like Im dating her.. cuz she ignores me if i talk to other friends.. like lil amanda. like wtf... I mean I do care about her... cuz i dont like how she treats me... but shes also a co worker.. so i cant just like be like FUCK off.. cuz shed make my life a living hell... but im hoping..  once i get out of this slump of only sleep and work.. hah. that i can change.. Today.. while I was watching a movie.. well like 20min ago, hahah I thought up goals that I'd like to achieve.. now I've realized... that having one true best friend.. the one you'd die for and they feel the same way about you... well.. I kinda thought I had that... but.. ya know what.. i know the chances of that are slim... so i just need to try to fix my life.. asap.. and i have goals. (!! Ok... so... i just thought of something.. Brit is gone playing.. womens bball... my uncle(s) play (used to) every sunday night also.... i wonder if her mom and my uncle go to the same gathering... weird) anwayys... ok so... Work wise.. I think im gonna start lookign for a different job.. hopefully one a little more professional, and that pays better.. something that might help me get into my actual career im going to school for... only problem.. i wanna help out with CC next year... so i need to make sure that if i do get another job.. perhaps i can still help out CC next year... and i would have asked if i could help with bball.. or drop in or like.. just be around cuz i really wanted to use the "exercise room" and i was gonna ask amero if i could come in and do stuff while he had practice but.. once again.. dont wanna upset brit.. at all so. its cool we have an elliptical anyways.. and im not ready to go work out in public.. hah. so wait.. my goals
*Fix Friendships
I want to try to fix up these.... Em and Ash.. is prett much fixed... Brit.. id love to fix that, especially now that Im in maine for good, we coudl have some fun times. Megan is lots of fun i wanna hang outw ith her. Lil Amanda also woudl be a blast to see OUTSIDE of work.. oh.. and Skylar ;) tee hee... yah enough said. that boy... i bet .. ok ya. ill stop. hahaha. um.. yah
Id like to end some friendships too... like amanda... perhaps if shawn pays me my money i will still hang out with him... pj... hes.. being sketchy...
*New Job
I want a better paying job!! ASAP!
*Better Body
Ok.. so i realized I just listed like.. the top changes in anyones life probably.. new social life, new job, new look. hahaha well, IM GONNA PULL IT OFF.
As far as the friendships go.. it can be done.. well.. brit is still a little shaky.. but lil amanda and i will prob hang out this week... and pj im avoiding.. and i will be in school soon so amanda and i cant hang otu 24/7
Which will be good since i dont wanna smoke weed anymore either!! the only time i really smoke is with amanda.. and its pretty much because.. her and eric are like, come on.... and honestly.. when their dog attacks me, i dont feel it as much.. but im only hanging out with them like once a week now.. so.. thats really not that much AT ALL. and if i didnt smoke at least once.. id be punching and cutting like a mofo probably! i always need some sort of bad habit.. and irght now.. with al lthe shit im shifting.. i need that..
I need to get my room looking good, then get the downstairs into a nice hang out..i gotta go buy some clothes... gotta get some more of my spray!!! its out :( Im no longer "cool" but trust me when i get my pay check this thurs... i will be online in a second ordering that shit. cuz it smells sooooo good. hah, i fall in love with myself :P idk i just cant wait, i have tomrorow and tues off!!! so i will haul ass on my room, perhaps go shopping.. except that i have no gas money. fuck. umm.. well i will do a lot of work at home then.. but i better go shower!! :O its almost 1 and i need to leave her in like 30min... and im still in my pjs.. awesome.. hahah well, im glad im having a motivated day :) I hope it lasts.. and i think it will :) I can't wait to get back into shape.. and RUNNING!! Ugh... ill be able to stop smoking once im running again..and ill start doing road races :) ok now im getting excited.. but i must stop.. and go shower.. and TRY to find something to wear to work today... which.. i know will be impossible since ALL my work clothes are dirty!!

oh yah.... and .. im trying to read the bible... hah.

Alright well.... i will write probably when i get home tonight... :) more about the changes.. cuz i need to rethink certain changes.. like.. not taking supplements... thats bad.. well they'd be legal.. but i can do it on my own.. i dont need diet pills or friggin bars for energy...

....Jan. 16th is coming up.....

all I must write is... who really knows anymore. Hah. I kinda wish I could jsut roll up in a little ball in my room... and that'd be it.. cuz.. Me and people... aren't mixing right now... especially at work.. hah.. yesterday was pleasent when Amanda wouldn't even talk to me cuz I was hanging out with Lil Amanda.. and then she brought her power into it and bitched at me... well fuck that. oh oh.. and i;ve been thinking a lot about this whole bball game thing..
I'll NEVER.. go to a guys game.. but i really wanna see the girls game, and i wanna be able to talk to amero and everything... but brittles said she's not ready to see me yet... and IDK if that counts bball games... cuz i really dont wanna irk or upset her. cuz if just the sight of my face... angers or upsets her.. or whatever it does. I dont really wanna do that. I think that'd be really fuckin... well unfortuantly the first word that comes to mind is annoying..
cuz thatd suck if i couldnt even go to games cuz she didnt wanna see me.... she probably wouldn't really see me anyways.. i def wouldn't sit in the bleachers... i'd probably go up by the stage and just stay up there.. or.. idk sit on the opponents side.. idk.. i dont really wanna go anyway... well lets see... I wanna see hwo the girls team is doing... but I dont wanna see anyone in the stands... and I do wanna see how Brit is doing @ bball... cuz, like that LLLOOONNNNGGG ass entry said, i still care:-) and on how wonderful it is to still care in such a situation. If i had the power, it'd be fine. cuz right now I'd be like, damn this sucks, im gonna talk to her. but.. its not my choice. idk..
i still see this no matter what.. not ending (well not ending but) well... for me anwyays. cuz i feel like a little lab rat or something. that she can poke at every so often. cuz.. i mean.. idk if im supposed to IM her also or what. I haveno idea.. she doesnt tell me!!! I've been thining about this a lot more over like.. the past 2 days cuz... surprisingly this is the only one i can think about and not wanna just curl up in a ball... cuz i still have hope that somethign good will happen... i just wish she'd talk to me about whatevers happening.. like.. what is it that has REALLY erked her to the point where she doesnt even wanna see me....
that really really really makes me feel like an ass... it just seems like theres a lot more that Im not hearing about... lets just hope sooner... well or later.. just sometime.. she can make a decision and either idk.. all i know is i wont be able to put up with this forever... at one point.. I WILL turn into everyone else... for my own safety.. cuz waiting... is the most painful choice ever... well i shouldn't say choice.. .waiting for anything... a friend... money... death... ANYTHING.. just waiting.. and it's not even about the whole patience thing...
id say ive had a pretty good patience level.. if i didnt i wouldnt be typing this right now.. hell we probably would already be strangers.. but the whole surprise aspect.. that i DONT like.. that.. i coudl "waste" like... months.. or i could have "wasted" years... if she jsut ends up shrugging me off... and yet i still waited all this time.. i've been waiting since what... september... october?? how much more do i have to do?? Im not IMing her cuz i dont wanna push her.. but i feel that Im still there. when she IMs me I gladly talk when im there... i just dont know what else to do without pushing.. and im not pushing anything.. cuz... i dont know what to push for... idk what she needs... i lost that "connection" as i called it a while ago..
whether shed like to admit it or not.. and whether i would too.. over the summer... when we hung out.. in person... i bet i coudl have called every moments purpose and every thought in her head... NO JOKE... even at the softball games.. when she was pitching... i swear i knew at times what she was saying to herself.. or thikning... which is why i dont wanna let this friendship go.. and now i just remember a whole hell of a lot of fun times.. softball games were fun to me... oak hill, telstar:-), jay (MVCs) home games.. i think i only went to 3 away games.. but hell.. telstar is AWAY! hah.. alright well my parents are leaving.. so i have the house to myself til i go to work.. 1:45-1015...:-(
I just realized I never checked on fridays game!! the girls game.. usually i work the next day and i look in the paper to see who scored and what not.. but brit told me they won so.. i thikn im sitll gonna look it up online realy quick...

phew... My mother called my brother this morning.. and luckily the dogs came home last night... he lost them around 630ish when he was feeding them...:-\ he left the gate open and they ran off down the road and called here about an hour later.. my mom said almost in tears cuz he couldnt find them.. but they came home:-):-) smart dogs they are!! they probably knew they were gonna get dad in a lot of trouble!
it was funny too.. cuz I was on the phone with Nicki... and i told her... that my mom would either greet me and bitch at me.. well not even greet me, like either just bitch at me or tell me something bad..i go to walk up the first set of stairs.. and there she is, "You brother lost his dogs, they ran off on him." Same thing yesterday morning when i woke up.. i went downstairs.. she kinda asked me about the whole sleeping from 530pm-10am... i just said i was tired.. not that i was probably depressed or have bipolar or anything hah. so after she got that out of her system..
"Your uncle wayne is doing horrible. I guess yesterday went really bad... and they dont know what they can do to help him.. hes gonna try some trial drugs i think..." WOW JEEZ THANKS MOM.. back to bed.. hah I wish... well im gonna be late to work if i dont get my ass in gear...

omg... so.. omg.. i just remembered the most insane thing today... like.. INSANE..... so.. i was at work.. and a little jumpy... and i was going ot walk by the registers to go to photo.. and i go to walk behind a few customers.. and i kinda walked in front of a mother.. and a young lady.. and i didnt look up right away.. just said excuse me and kept going... then... idk.. i just looked up.. so i wasnt an ass.... and there was Chelsea... my old best friend... like.. she helped me through SO much... like honestly.. shes probably the person that helped me most.. through things... like... idk. her and kristy, were amazing.. and..
it was really weird seeing her.. her or kristy.. like when i saw kirsty.. same thing happened today.. like.. i started shaking and stuttering.. cuz.. idk it ... like i said before.. its like.. almost like they died.. cuz id idnt see them for so long.. idk.. its how i cope.. hah. idk.. but it was... SO fuckin weird... to see her.. and she
looked like.. the same... totally the same.. it was.. idk so weird.. and idk. i cant even write about it.. its just like.. she meant so much to me. cuz she did so much for me.. like honestly... i probably wouldnt be writing this entry right now if she didnt help me. which may sound super lame.. but.. she helped me thru the time with my brother.. she helped me thru some sport stuff.. she helped me with my college stuff.. which.. so did kristy.. idk.. Chels helped me deal with a lot of external problems.. while krsity helped me deal with a lot of internal problems.
which is probably why chels is put at 2 and kristy at 1.. overall for who HELPED ME the most.. idk.. it was just.. idk. it was weird cuz like.... its like the best.. but worst time for her to show up.. like.. it brought up a whole buttload of like.. horrible.. AND WONDERFUL.. memories.. but then its depressing cuz its over.. but then.. when i think about the bad times.. it kinda gives me hope for right now... cuz i kinda had some of the same situations then.. so it reminded me of the times when i pulled thru...
and now.. i know i can do it again.. well.. hopefully.. but there's one problem...hah.. i have all the problems.. well actually i honestly have worst problems.. but i dont have a "chelsea" right now.. which is why i get scared.. cuz like i said.. i probably wouldnt be writing if i didnt have her.. and now im going thru more, and i dont have that friend helping me... But i guess.. perhaps that means I am changing and growing stronger..
i mean.. i havent cut... well.. i have but not much at all.. idk but i dont cut nearly as much as ai used to.. but .. i do.. well i have.. well i havent for quite a while.. i think the last time was at college.. or maybe like.. .2-3weeks ago.. but its not as bad as it used to be.. and now i just erally punch more. like last week when Zach and the lil bitch came into rite aid.. JUST to bug me.. like walked in... looked at me.. giggled.. then walked out pretty much..
i played punched bag with the walls up by the register.. hah... well thats pretty much what has changed.. instead of cutting over anything.. or nothing.. i can only do it when i have a panic attack.. but now i can pretty much punch over everything.. hah.. idk i think i have an anger issue... cuz.. sometimes.. i just really cant control myself.. and i scare myself.. like when zach came in the first time.. poor lil amanda was trying to help me and talk to me and calm me down.. but i told her to just walk away... cuz i was so afraid id like go after her.. thats really MY major problem..
is the anger.. so many problems have sprung up.. im just so snappy.. with certain issues.
well i gotta go to bed so... sighs..

Something that was weird... was that... when she IMed me last night.... I woke up... I didnt look at who it was cuz... i didnt think it was anyone I wanted to talk to.. cuz i didnt think she would IM me... i got 4 IMs last night.. and i only woke up when she IMed me.. i just realized that.. cuz i left them all open... and i know it was hers.. cuz all the rest were much later.. and i remember watching a lil bit of a show @ 830.... thats weird...

Thought to be "The End"

OK... so.. i was supposed to write in here last night.. but i got home from work around 5ish... and cooked my parents some dinner... well my mom... my dad was still gone with my uncle... he took him down to boston for his chemo :( but.. we arent even gonna touch that lovely topic right now.. hah. But yah.. I called shawn.. and asked him what to do about people... cuz... i was pretty much just completely lost.. like.. i feel like Im doing the right thing with people.. but nothing's happening... like..  er... idk.. i better make a list.. so i write about everything...
Brit.. since thats what this is for. haha IDK if i should write the rest.. well its nothing that she can use against me.. and she prob wont care to read it all so whatever, she can if she pleases... if she even still reads this.. but.. er... list. not writing already.. see how badly i need to write! I cant even make a list!
OK... Brit, Em&Ash/Amanda, Lil Amanda, Past friends, Nicki, Boys, Dying Uncles, school, parents.
Hmmm... i think the first 2 topics are really gonna wear me down... hah IDK if i can get thru the rest.. hell.. I wont lie.. the first one is gonna kill me. Ok.. lets see, if I can make this make sense to myself...
sighs.. ok.. well i will have to do this is two parts.. Im gonna write what I was originally going to yesterday... since i woke up this morning to a Hi from her... Im just gonna kinda ignore that for right now... cuz.. that coudl have been a nice hi.. or it could have been... a waiting for me to come back to bitch me out.. who knows. So... onto what i was gonna type yesterday...
The subject of the entry... ok.. this is kidna how i began looking at my friendship with her... I began looking at it like a book... but, an unfinished one... almost like right now... I have nothing else to "write" (or in other words, nothing else to give or offer) yet I feel like the book isn't finished... BUT instead of just tossing it off to the side.. Id just set it someplace close to me on my desk and way for the moment... if it ever comes.. to write anoher chapter... That probably sounds wicked wierd... but..  hah... now i will write about it in normal terms..

I feel.. like I was put on this earth to do one thing.. like honestly.. which this is probably my biggest problem... and dont worry Im working on it.. but I feel like.. the whole purpose of MY life... is to better other peoples lives.. and to help them.. even if it puts me 2 steps back... as long as they take 1 step.. or a 1/2 step forward.. then i was doing the right thing... now.. only 1 person.. has really been driven deep in my heart because of this.. since.. only 1 person in my whole life.. really opened up and let me help them... which.. was brit. well.. other people let me help them.. but her and i, we had a friendship built.. what i thought... was a very solid friendship... I mean.. it got thru... MANY things... her mom, my mom, the journal/crush incident, me going to college... etc... we got thru a lot.. and when i look at all the people I know... technically.. and not so technically... she was my best friend.. especially over the summer... but its hard.. with that... cuz age did matter a little bit.. cuz i was trying to figure out college stuff.. which... i can't really talk to her about.. well I could TALK to her about it.. but, she probably wouldnt have much advice.. hah. Cuz I must admit.. the time.. out on the trampoline.. when i told her the things that were ALWAYS on my mind.. that felt really good to talk to her. and she was really cool with it. like being supportive and also crackin jokes so i didnt feel dumb. She's easy to talk to, but I just always felt certain topics i just shouldn't cuz i didnt want to make her feel out of place or something...
but.. with all that said.. that probably didnt need to be said.. ok.. so.. now.. I decided. Oh yah i think i already wrote this in here.. but.. I never gave her the Xmas present.. cuz we aren't talking much.. and it's expensive... and... if she was never gonna talk to me again and just take the present... that would have been really friggin mean.. hah. which i dont think she would have done that.. but when i asked her about it.. she was just like i dont care do what you want.. but she didnt wanna SEE me... so i figure if someone can't even see me in person... should i give them an xmas present.. so.. i still have it tho.  and when I feel, that it'd be worth giving to her.. I will! when i feel it wont be a COMPLETE waste..  oh and i have the receipt just in case i gotta switch it... 
ok well... so, pretending i didnt get the hi... from here on.. i wanted to just.. start.. to.. not forget.. but.. well kind of forget.. not about the past.. but forget about any chance of a friendship in the future... BUT... in forgetting.. I still wanted to be able to pick up the friendship at any time if she did... which is why this is so hard.. cuz i really cant forget... Im technically waiting.. hah.. but waiting hurts.. so i started to try to forget.. but wait. hah. idk. it doesnt work tho... and some people tell me, "just forget about her, she's 15 and shes just gonna upset you" and i'll be honest, ive tried to say that in my head to forget. but... there's one line.. well.. kinda 2 that keep going through my head.. 1.. the birthday card she gave me.. saying how she'd ALWAYS need me no matter what she said... however.. I dont think she ever expected me to do what i did.. which i guess when she found out she'd forget the actions.. and look at the purpose.. hah. cuz.. Im not with Zach right now.. like. I didnt really get anything out of it.. and then i eneded up losing my friendship with her.. but.. I was.. messed up over the summer.. and i guess i didnt see anything wrong with how i handled the situation.. and im glad im not that fucked up anymore.. cuz.. hah. that was bad. just like when i made the meal for her.. and she showed up.. and i was.. intoxicated.. NOT cool. but.. yah the birthday card... which.. even if that did have a little note at the bottom stating what would end the friendship.. hah... but if it had that.. ahh.. where did i leave off.. sorry, had to send an email.. from my new email... jeez.. ill prob still be here typing when she goes to school.. haha.  ok.. i lost all thought.. hah... ok.. OH OH OH. sorry.. my mom just came in.. and im sure my dad will be in shortly.. hah.. my journal entries are so weird.. hah. anyways.. the main statement that keeps popping into my head.. well i take that back.. it never leaves my head... hah.. is that i always told her.. Im not like everybody else... I am gonna be there until she can prove she doesnt want me there... which even with this whole mess we are in now... she's never said, I DONT WANT YOU HERE... which i wouldnt completely believe.. but.. thats why im giving her the control.. im backing up.. im forgetting but waiting.. hah. cuz.. i wanna be there for her if she wants me there. cuz im not like anyone else.. i will be there thru anything if she wants me there, I will try to give her anything I can, and do anything I can for her. Cuz... thats my job.. hah. well i shouldnt put it that way.. but thats my purpose.. my life is to be used.. to help others.. and.. I do want to help her.. and if she cant be helped (In the way that there is nothing to help with) I want to be friends with her and spend time with her and hang out, like during the summer!
so.. hah.. my plan was to just.. wait things out.. to hear from her.. cuz it's to the point where she gets to choose.. so Ill forget/wait.. but the thing that sucks.. is that 1...  we aren't talking about what we are so angry about.. it'd definitely help to just get everything out.. whether we just talk.. IM.. E-mail, SNAIL MAIL! cuz obviously in person is out of the question.. but. I think it'd help if we got to ask eachother questions.. and to just say what we are upset bout... and like i've said even if we talk, it doesn't mean we are friends again. it just means that everything is out there.. like.. she might be able to decide easier if she knew everything and got to ask me questions... or idk maybe she's made her decision. but, honestly, talking helps. cuz if her and i become friends again.. and we get in a fight.. i bet anything.. that one of us would drag something up about this time... and then a small little debate... could end the friendship.. again. hah. wow.. ive been writing for about an hour.. on and off.. good music videos have come on, mothers come in, etc. but.. idk.. Um.. as for the Hi... I guess I ahven't decided if Im gonna IM her back.. but.. well I won't be able to anyways, cuz i work all night... and thats the other thing.. what happens if i see her somewhere.. does her mom know we aren't talking.. she must cuz im sure she knows Im home on break.. but.. cuz Shawn told me he saw them in Kwik Shop on... Wed night I believe...  what if i was with him.. that would have been ... awkward? cuz she would have like.. prob walked by the furthest way possible.. and maybe her sisters woudl say something.. and im guessing her mother wouldnt.. hah.. and I'd actually feel bad about being somewhere that she was... since she doesnt want to SEE me... I'd feel like I did something wrong.. like I should have known she was gonna be there... hopefully she will tell me when she doesnt mind seeing me.. cuz.. I'd like to catch some basketball games.. i have next tuesday off... so i think I might try to go.. especially if it's home.. i just.. might.. idk. Stand by the door like i did the ONLY other game I've gone too. hah. idk.. i need to sleep again tho.. I close today.. 145-1015... yay.. and.. this journal entry.. is sad and depressing.. cuz either way I get hurt.. not that it really matters to me. but Im trying to do the whole "do things for yourself" to SOME extent... and.. no matter what in this situation.. i get hurt.. cuz... 1. If I wait/forget.. and nothing ever happens.. waiting and trying to forget.. hurts... I hate using the word Forget.. its really not what I mean at all. hah but.. idk what word to use OMG OM GOM GOMGOMGOGMGM THE GHOST OF YOU VIDEO IS ON!!!!! OM GOMG OMG I LOVE THIS SONG!!! wow.. ok now i think i can type about even more!! omg... pumper upper!! hah.. weird.. hah. um.. so yah 1. if i wait and she doesnt want to be friends, i get hurt. 2... omg.. im so.. not able to type during this song.. 2... if we become friends again... ill just always have this strike against me.. and i know i'll give myself a lot of shit.. i think i had a different 2.. but im feeling nauseated.. and this song is gonna make me cry.. hah. it's a war video.. ok i will have to write more later.. im pretty much done with the brit stuff tho.. and thats all thats supposed to be in here so.. OMG SUCH A COOL VIDEO!.. thats so weird.. i JUST switched the channel and it came on... Thanks 0:)    uumm... anyways.. yah.. idk what will happen with the hi. I wont be home til 1040ish.. and.. then i open tomorrow.. so she will probably think im ignoring her.. but.. work blows.. and i get wonderful hours.. hah. i should probably charge my battery for my lap top.. since im still in bed, hahaha. where i have been for over 12 hours now.. yah.. but thats a WHOLE other story also.. hah. so much... yet.. ok yah. um. Im done writing for now. Let's hope, me proving Im not like anyone else, will prove that I really do care and wanna help.. and not that Im like a sketchy stalker or something.. good... morning... :/ holy entry... hah

I need to write in here on last time.. but not right now.. cuz I have to go to work.. but I will have all day long to think about what I need to write.. I just... I guess I need to reassure myself Im doing the right thing..

Sometimes I am just absolutely amazed.... thats all I can really say right now...

Oh and yah.. I have my other journal now.. cuz... like I said, there's nothing to write about in here. She hasn't IMed me. Maybe she's mad about the Xmas gift.. but hey.. I still have it sitting in the store bag under my bed.. but sorry I didnt feel like giving an expensive gift to someone who can't even look at me. Im glad I thought it through. I should just return it... but... just in case.. something changes. Otherwise, i have no use for this journal, im going back to the other one:-)

yucky.. its kinda weird tha ti can work an 8 hour shift.. and no song.. and i go n there tonight for... like 20min tops.. and it lpays... why.. why TLB... what are you saying.. i dont get it... is it who i was with.. is that what your telling me...
cuz i cant go back.

hah... dont have much to write about in here anymore.... what is there to say...?? unless I write about old memories or something... but that i think pisses her off when she reads it.. so i shouldnt do that... argh.. depressing. I miss her, yes I do..

Things wont ever be fixed will they..... I know why.. but it doesnt matter. Cuz, she have the control but, shes not using it i guess. So I'll drop it all cuz.. there's nothing i can do anymore:-\:-\

wtf.. I just have to laugh at myself sometimes... goodness.. haa.. mmmm deer steak:-) I gotta get my other journal going.... so I stop using this one for random shit. oh yah, i actually had a point in writing in this one... i thought... OH OH.. yah... no.. hah. actually, let's not even touch that topic right now.. oh shoot.. I gotta shower soon:-( I gotta go to work for 145.. and im still just sitting around in my pjs:-) eerr.. I Have tomorrow off.... AND SO DOES MY MOTHER... Im never gonna get a day to myself it seems..