i hate myself.... a lot. she was probably better off without me in her life.. :'(:'( I really really er... i need to pay...
ugh... i just dont get how to say things... eerr.. i piss myself off... its 2 different issues im dealing with... the one with jsut me.. and whats going on and what that means with me perosnally... then theres the whole... us thing... and ugh... well one thing is that it doesnt feel like a mike thing... im not saying theres anything more than friends.. well i am.. but not in that way perhaps.. but... idk... she makes me happy. just having her in my life made me 200% happier than the day before... like her cell phone being broken.. kills me.
idk whatever... it doesnt matter anyways.. cuz contact off. so that will solve one issue... except that it didnt really bother me.. we just saw it in different ways obviosuly... and my thinking fucked it up.. so whatever... i jsut.. idk.. today seemed great... idk. i jsut know what i need to tell myself.. and im doing that now.. cuz... maybe shes right.. not thinking is the way to go.. cuz i dug msyelf quite a hole right now.

i treat her in a different way than i feel. and im just fuckin with my head. I love her.. but not in THAT way... but then we do what we do.. so i feel like.. =-O maybe i do.. but its just.. i feel so close to her... that doing that doesnt matter.. and i act the i do with her with everyone.. i jsut.. no touchy. haha. but. shes just i cant say like a lil sister anymore, haha. a best friend.... i guess. idk. there's no way to describe it..
which is i guess why i feel so fucked up... and thats probably why she thought she saw a mood change.. cuz when i was thinking about the shorts thing... that'd be a ginormous step. and i couldnt have done it then... but i guess since i got close.. and she mnetioned something.. it just had me wondering.. like.. what woudl she do. woudl that make her uncomfortable.. or does she say it jsut so i dont freak out. does she think im uncomfortable...
wellwe seem to be talking... so i guess i will be cutting back on this right now

ok.. so ill finally write today.. about something that happened.... um... oh.. maybe only saturday.. i thouyght it was yesterday but.. so... i know its not a big deal but... i felt awkward after.. so we were... on our way to my college. after we had gotten some dunkin donuts. and i remember right where it was.. we just turned left onto the road that you get off to get on 95... and.. Snow Patrols Hands Open song..
and... theres a part that says Why would I sabotage
the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know
exactly what I want with my...
and... i looked her in the eyes.. at the first 2 lines and sang it.. and i had to look away.. and i felt really awkward... cuz.. it just.. i mean, shes an important part of my life.. and i felt like i was stating that to her.. and not just singing it.. idk. but i got.. sketched. hah. idk
but.. things are good... besides that I personally have issues... and im pretty sure when i was half asleep i said i love you.. which.. is an issue. but not really. cuz.. i was half asleep. but i cant SAY it... cuz when you actually see a person.. and you try to make that statement.. to me, it doesnt matter how you feel about them. its rough. I can barely say i love you to my mother... and i actually just remembered this.. hah. i doubt she heard me anyways. i can say it if we are like.. joking.. like i ahte you, aaww i love you.. but like.. if its like.. randomly said. random moment. i freak. hell sometimes i cant even say it if she does.. when i state i hate her and she says she still loves me.. hell sometimes im just like.. sure. hahaha.
i just have serious issues. yet i dont.. cuz i survive just fine.. i really dont expect anything back from her. and the more she does for me.. the worse it kinda gets for me for a while.. so id almost just prefer... that she enjoy the lack of having to give anything back to me. hah.
ok.. time to watch shrek 2!!! and take a nap

oh me oh my.... how things have changed... and i just pulled pine needles out of my hiar!!! hhahaha midnight bike ride... not bad.. not bad... and its only 2 am.. i really thought it might be much later... and i was kinda having issues tonight.. hah.. with different things.. which kinda by the end of the time.. they werent really issues.. but still were.. like.. certain actions... seem pointless... but.. heh. do the trick... and idk.. yah anyways... i need to sleep.. well get a beverage.. then sleep... nighty night...

sighs... my parents are gone.. i have unwanted people here.. this isnt fun... I kinda wish I could pick her up tonight. but hopefully she can spend the night monday night... and hopeuflly my parents dont come back monday night....
this weekend is not turning out how i planned it to ... and its only the first day... idk if thats good or bad... but she will be back soon.. and i will be up @ 3... which is why i should go get her!!>:o hah... waaa.

I knew it was too good for reality... and I knew I was fuckin it up.. and now .. ugh. Im going outside. Ive been sitting here thinking about things since the Text... its not better for me.. I havent been this happy in a while... but.. can it work... ill quit smoking and drinking. i dont cut anymore.. i dont think i can influence her in any other way... ugh.. ok i seriously need to run now cuz my body is overloading physically cuz of my emotions.. i hate this..

Im such an ass.... like.. such a huge ass... im done with the bad shit.. when my bags gone, im DONE. alcohol, ill chill out on. and i need to go running tomorrow.. and decide how to deal with myself... im sorry..

one thing i do wanna add.. like about the sign stuff... is that Im a very strong believer in signs.. which is why... they effect me so much.. like of all the peopel to see the most.. why would i see the "ending friendship" person everywhere... cuz maybe even tho we arent together in anyway right now... maybe.. it proves.. .one day.. we will be friends again.. and for now.. our car passings will do :P IDK... idk how to explain it.. except that.. if we werent supposed to be in eachothers lives.. we wouldnt be.. at all. and granted driving thru town in cars doesnt count.. and she prob barely ever sees me... but.. idk even online.. like ill come back from being gone ALL day.. like ALL day.. either working all day or i went out for no expect amount of time.. and when i come back from away...  sometimes she will also or she'll sign on.. which i felt like sometimes a while ago.. i kinda felt like she wouldnt be online when i was.. and that bothered me.. so id stay away and talk to epople.. so i deleted her sns... just so i wouldnt see her and feel bad. cuz thats being paranoid. hah. I kept them on my other sn so i could IM her if i wanted. and then i remembered... to just minimize a group shes in :P but whatev, im not doing that shit anymore either. idk.. it just seemed so weird that.. even when we werent friends.. we couldnt get away from eachother.. even if we tried. someitmes i'd be out running.. cuz she upset me.. and whod fuckin drive by!?! like that nice joke about me never leaving the highschool.. i went for a 5 mile run in the dark.. that upset me so much. which.. i couldnt run 5 mlies anwyays... and it was dark.. i lamost got hi like 4 times and i jumped a deer... but. after... all i could think was.. this doesnt even compare to what i put her thru, so deal.. and I did. god i was so weird... even just a couple months ago. but i've had some help now, and... im doing good, getting whree i need too! and i said i was done with all of this.. and look my comment is as long as my entry... haha. not even close.. but.. i just thougth of that too.. like theres just so much weirdness.. and only time will tell if the signs where right.. or not.. and no matter what happens, I'll be happy. cuz its her choice, and i know she'll choose what makes her feel better. whether she can and can not give me another chance. but Im finally cool with whatever, and survivng! I just... I must say i never honestly knew there'd be such a huge void in my life!! Which, Im not gonnafill... it'll stay reserved or empty forever. :) omg.. im too perky now.. my hair came out well, haha. but. yah.. anyways... i shoudl read thru these before i post.. i be tthey make no sense. i pretty much write what i think.. so.. it jumps and skips.. and its prob some stuff that'd be better left unsiad.. but.. that why this is a journal!!