Things I cant handle

So.... the thing that gets me out of this whole issue that we had... while we weren't talking... the sketchiest part where the signs... which is why i havent left. Well, I probably wouldnt have left anyways, but the signs... just... idk what to say.. I had just done a survey.. and needed a pci for it.. and i was looking thru my pics.. my tv is on a radio station.. 90's and now... and I was listening to Move Along... which.. good song.. so it ends.. right as im scrolling to the bottom of my album.. from last years graduation.. i had the pic of me and her on there.. so i look at it.. and kinda reflect.. "holy fuck how things have changed.." kinda beginning to bum.. then... what do i hear.. fuckin breakaway comes on after move along (which kinda made me think of her real quick.. seeing htem in concert, that must have been cool..) but then breakaway.. and now fuckin ill be is playing.. the saddest song ever, hahaha. um.. anyways.. yah.. like.. it was kinda weird.. to be looking at pic.. and here the song.. that goes with it. even tho is was siwrls gradaution.. i think of brit when i hear that song.. and i must say.. before i could sit down and type this.. i had to pace some.. cuz this is what has made it so hard on me. Before, when i was like.. well ill wait.. but while moving on.. like if she came back to me, id be there.. just not like.. sitting waiting.. stuck in time.. and once i tried that... everything.. was about brit practically.. I saw her EVERYWHERE.. i'd pass her... itd be the one and only time id go out that day... but id see her. or the day i was riding my bike.. since when would she be walking in downtown monmouth!! and im not stalking the girl, i have no clue where shes gonne be. shes ALWAYS on the go.. always busy. or that day...i sped home on my lunch break to get my gift certificate for chinese food... so i was home for like.. 3 seconds.. drove on like.. maybe 1/2 of a mile of the ONLY road I'd prob meet her on.. and oh yah, i met her there. not that theres anythign wrong with this.. but when i was trying to move on.. it upset me.. i still cant look her in the eyes.. i .. dont.. omg.. now name by good goo dolls is playing.. another deep in the heart song.. not about her. but.. hah ive already been kinda dropped.. hah. it prob could relate to her lyrics wise.. but nayways.. i just.. i shoudl prob talk to her about it too.. like last night zach and i were talking to her about that tattoos and i just looked at him pretty much the whole time.. not cuz i dont like her.. i just.. when i look into her eyes... i see too much. idk how else to put it. I see... all the good times.. and all the bad.. and I imagine... All the tears... that i'd caused... and now thats annoying.. we are finally kinda talking again.. and i barely can. id been waiting how long for this oppurtunity.. and i can only handle a crowd convo with her.. Im gonna have to talk to someone aobut this.. cuz even tho i got out of my other way of coping.. im still not completely fine. and i know what causing this.. i just dont kow howt o fix it.. cuz I can't let go of what i did.. well prob cuz i still dont know everything.. and.. idk.. i get empathetic sometimes.. and whenever Im around her.. i feel like.. almost like how she might have felt last year.. but i have to call my person today anyways, and i remember them mentioning what to tell myself. i was told to write her a letter.. and i did... but. i didnt put everythign in it. I cant put everything into words. she was one of few people.. that i got really close too.. and then.. she was the first.. i hurt badly.. and yet theres more cuz its her. like the 3 intense past years... IDK. Im just glad it's gotten to this point. I still can't do anythign tho. I wont start a convo... cuz.. I dont feel its there yet. We only talked a lot online over Amy.. which... er... idk if i should even fuckin start on her....
....cuz ya know what... It's one fuckin thing.. if she wants to fuckin let me down.. and like.. just fuckin pick up and leave before saying bye.. but ... when i told her.... about this whole softball thing. that it needs to happen if she said it would... er. i hahsf'j sad f idk what to type right now. Amy's issue was.. .. when i brought up catching for brit... well, i have people im closer too i need to see.. so i brought up.. oh you mean all those 5 peopel you've seen EVERYDAY..  "well.. they are my family" Well FUCK YOU...  she knows that brit looks/looked upto her. or whatever the situation is idk, but Amy knew brit was lookign forward to that. and I fuckin reminded her too. I even told her i was like, well even if you dont wanan play softball, just catch for her for a bit! but since thats all id talk to her about that last couple of days.. she started to avoid me. WELL FUCK YOU. er. idk what else to say.. when i think of that situation, all i think is fuck you.. fuck you.. I havent talked to her since... i think monday .. tuesday night at the game.. she called me wed @ 530.. but i knew she was on the road. so i didnt pick up.. and i havent IMed her.. I dont fuckin want to. like it would have been that fuckin hard to just go over there for like.. 1/2 hr!!! and jsut catch and talk to her about it!?! I thoguth shed want to cuz she likes to feel important and special.. so i thought if she wouldnt do it for me or brit, she'd do it for herself.. but i was wrong there to.. er...fuckin A.

hah k.. i honestly had to walk away.. but im mixing shit anwyays.. im so upset about Amy cuz 1... Amy didnt have to be the one to tell brit.. no she escaped completely.. never even talked ot the girl.. no i had to get the ims and see all the ... i had to go upto the school... nad hear the disappointment in her voice.. which wouldnt bother me if i hadnt already let her down so much before... and Im not saying this like I I I.. cuz it hurt me.. but I dont like hurting her.. and Amy made me see her hurt. Like from a mother or sister point of view.. you hurt cuz they hurt. well we may not have been talkign for a while... but.. i still know her somewhat.. and i coudl read her that night on the field.. and it tore me up knowing that 1. she was wicked excited... but at the same time.. she knew deep inside it wouldnt happen.. cuz like she said.. low expectations for people.. well.. in Amys situation... shes jsut a low person and not worht the thought or effrot... and the other thing that bothered me with the Amy thing.. is that I would have loved to have that oppurtunity.. I wish Brit would look up to playing softball with me... but once again.. i understand why i dont get that chance, hah. but.. it erked me... to see someone get an oppurtunity that i've been waiting for.. and see them not give a flying fuck. Or act like she did.. she acted upset.. but i dont think she really cared. cuz when she talked about it shed be like, why does she even care ot catch with me she doesnt know me.. so id bring up hangin out the last time she was home.. and id jsut say, well if you wnet you'd find out. or, well yo ushould be flattered then that she barely knows you and wants you to catch for her... but er. ok, im done with this. Im done with Amy. and.. Im done with the bad eye contact!! hah... ill fix that asap. i gotta go dry my hair and see the color... sighs... and lube up the tat.. hah then i get to work 145-1015.. yay.. then ill prob be home to write another entry. cuz... i still dont do well with like.. past experiences reocurring.. like how different graduation will be tomororw than from last year. That will bum me out. I ownt even think about it.. but i just... nkow.. how much things have changed... my body will become tired... its so funny ive become really good emotioanlly now.. and so now.. if i get upset.. my body shows.. like ill get beat red...  or i shake... or my body almost shuts down and gets tired. instead of my mind.. which i enjoy more. cuz then if i get active... i feel better. which is easier than trying to calm my mind!! ok.. omg this is so long.. but obviously it was much needed.. cuz.. i typed this pretty fuckin fast... and.. i typed quite a bit and it all just kinda came out... i didnt have to think too much. now ill have to go to my other journal and continue tho... cuz.. this have been one crazy fuckin week.. and i dont wanna forget it.. the good and the bad!!!

I miss us.

TTFN.

So.. i never really finished what i was writing the other day.. idk if she still comes on here often and i didnt feel like having something misinterpreted and get her mad. I ended up pretty much writing it out.. but.. it just.. meh. too much. i know what i think... i dont need to write it. if she wants to konw, she can ask.
I wrote some poems.. the past couple of days... and its weird... cuz i wrote 2 poems.. and they are mixed... for who they are for.. which makes me laugh kinda. just... a lot going on right now, and I wanted to vent.. and usually i write a poem.. about a person.. or to the person.. or about the situation.. and this time.. it jsut.. things came on my mind and left...  and.. theres a mix of people in them. Part of one of these is totally towards brit and obvious to me. but i wanan save them.. cuz ive almost lost them 10 times and even tho they have to do a lot more than just her. IDK where else to keep them. Im afraid my myspace blogs arent really private!! the fact that i always see them really sketches me out!.. ok so.. lets see here.. first one.
One More Time
Im sorry i didnt always treat you fair,
Through thick and thinI always did care.
At times everything just escape me,
Feeling I wasnt what you needed me to be.

After all this time we end up here,
and although our future is unclear
I'll always feel you deep in my heart.
But for everyday we are apart,
I'll keep you in the back of my head,
Avoiding the days i feel nearly dead.
Those days i cant look myself in the eye.
Hating myself, barely scraping by.
All because of the pain I made you feel,
Wanting to help but knowing only time will heal.

So just remember, please always know,
I'll never stop caring and waiting, where ever you go.

Because just one last time for you,
I will tear my heart in two.

Then one is a good mix up.. started off about Ian... then worked into other people.. then ended.. with all of them pretty much. haha.

Zero
Our laughter and smiles turn into endless tears,
As our memories fade over the years.
Hero to zero, love to hate.
Is this bad luck?? Is this fate??

I know I was wrong,
And it's been so long.
Since I've seen your smile.
Yah, it's been a while
Since I've heard your voice.

Sometimes I think it's for the best.

I actually had the middle piece... for a really long time.. well. since like last week. and it was actually written... about my uncle... part of it.. then i twisted it... and added the end line.. and now this is about... pretty much all my lost friendships... cuz.. this is pretty much what happens.... Kristy.. Chels.. Brit.. B... sighs.

Im glad im getting back into writing.. i mean.. i could prob write a 3 page poem on... a green car if it upset me enough. I just.. let things go.. the first poem kinda forced rhyme.. but Zero.. I really like.. cuz it really... says what i was feeling :) although i did change one little word.. that I think changed the tone. in the second stanza it was originally
"I know i was wrong/but its been son long" but... that makes it sound like i wanna hear their voice and see their smile. which.. i dont. its just.. the statement.. kinda representing the happiness gone.. cuz it wouldnt have worked well with the last line.

Ok anyways.. this has become pretty much my own personal journal now, haha. Dont have much else to say about what im supposed to.

Oh well.... I did go to some games this week. Holy awesomeness. Shes... amazing. to me anyways. I mean i dont really know the sport that well, but um.. No hitters, 2 hitter, 3 hitter... that seems pretty damn good to me. and the strike outs!!! Strike out galore!! I have SO much fun watching softball!!! its a fun sport. Its hard tho.. cuz before i used to watch just her. like last year. ppsshh like i really knew anyone else or cared. hahaha but this year. I like.. catch myself about to cheer. and Melissa mentioned being quite so i dont sketch her out. which is understandable. even good people can bother her. so im sure seeing my face isnt helpful.

oh and when i was taking pics.. i caught myself just trying to taking pitching pics. i really wanted a good one like last year!!!! haha but never did. and I wish i could get in the good areas to take pics.. but I dont wanan freak her out. At times I feel like I do. Liek she'll throw balls. I move and shes striking people out again. Lisa gets mad at me cuz I tell her I wanna move cuz we are distracting her. and shes like ya right!!! but.. idk. its funny cuz im SO touchy about upsetting her.. yet.. Im not. like.. I was so sketched about playing soccer with kels and kristy. and i kept saying i had to go. cuz.. well i did poor zach waited an hour for me :P and they thought it was cuz brit was there.. which.. ya it kinda was. but iw as like, well no zach is waiting and they were like no no no play make him wait.. and ... I love.. playing soccer. so i just stayed.. but i was so sketched. I can't think of anythign I've done recently intentionally to upset her. If anything Im over paranoid and stopping myself form things. like once again. I will only stand in certain areas... so i hope she doesnt see me.. and if she does.. i turn around... i cant look at her. When im by the dugout and shes ... on deck.. or whatever. up next to hit... I have to walk away... or turn around. i cant look at her. like that fuckin day... a week ago. when the game was cancelled and i jumped up on the snack shack to see melissa about the times... and brit was in there.... I almost had a heart attack. but im used to it. If i didnt cope so badly then it wouldnt really matter. I did the same fuckin thing to kristy... instead of dealing with losing a friend.. i kinda act... like they are dead... which worked while i was at college.. but now that Im kinda involved.. its kinda hard if i feel like shes a zombie!?!? :P
Like that day in rite aid when i saw kristy in rite aid... i hadnt seen her in years.. and i started to shake and cry.. and she didnt get what was going on.. cuz we def werent friends at all.. .. AT ALL. yet i was like.. hugging her and shaking..... like i had seen a ghost. If I see brit unwillignly.. thats how i get now. liek at the snack shack. Its getting a lot better tho. now its just mostly when i see her and i dont expect too. thats really the only time i have issues. but.. I congratulated her at both the games. cuz once again. I have no issues with her. I got pissed when i heard she told people she controlled what games i went too. but whatever. I probably deserve much worse. Im just trying to get by.. but at times.. more for her than me. Like when ill leave somewhere in fear of upsetting her. but... now that im getting over the dead thing.. and whatever.. im learning to care more for myself then others. which.. is kinda hard. I really honestly.. keep forgetting that we arent friends anymore... cuz everything is the same.. liek melissa and the twins.. and now zach... the only thing that is different... is that her and i dont talk... yet thats like a huge thing to try to figure out. cuz i always forget. ALWAYS. hahaha. silly silly me. hard to remember after 4 years of a friendship that its gone. anwyays.. mother is like.. fuckin sitting behind me hounding me about money, men and... who knows what else is to come.

Second Thought

OK.. so i said last night Id finish it.. and i did.. sort of.. and i left the entry open all night.. cuz ive decided... that.. Ill write it in here.. but before I go saying more things.. I really wanna make sure.. its what i think.. and such.. and when i reread the entry.. it was so confusing.. and it seemed like at certain points it was blaming her and i. and I dont wanna put blame on anyone... so.. IDK when Ill have time... maybe later on today.. I think Im going to the game today... so.. perhaps after that I will feel motivated. Id love to tell her good game in person today... but.. IDK. She never really gives me the chance. But I kinda feel like an ass cuz... all the times ive kinda seen her and she didnt say anything.. why would she? I dont see why a good game wouldnt hurt to be thrown out there. We'll see. And Ill obviously mean it. well Ill say whatever i feel the game deserved. but with the last 2 games.. shes done really well. So hopefully today she will do well also. I believe shes pitching.. and Id call Melissa but.. I harass her soo much anyways. But I must go clean... and avoid the boys phone calls.. as if he doesnt get what i mean.. cuz ya the 3 weeks hes home Im magically gonna forgive him and be able to trust him. Yee ha. Not quite. Go back to Iraq and think about what you've done!

To rebuild.. you must break it down..

So.. I've decided to write in here yet again.. and I didnt do it the dumb way. I didnt sign on the SN first to get this link.. hah. I just came right to AIM.com so perhaps this will stay undiscovered for a while.
so... I've realized.. liek the subject says.. in order to rebuilding something.. you need to break it down... and.. so i've been breaking down my life.. to rebuild it. And lucky for me, I've been breaking down this friendship.. this long.. and I dont mean this in a bad way, but fucked up friendship. Cuz.. it certainly was.... We... were kinda being 2 fake people.. living in a fake friendship.. but depending so much on this fakeness... Cuz.. when I think about it.. when I was with her... at times.. yes, i was a completely different person. I'd be who she'd want me to be... or who I thought I should be in a situation.. and I think at times she did the same.. at the beginning we had a very negative friendship.. I think maybe she almost felt like she had to have problems to keep the friendship. Which I know I didnt treat her the best the first couple of years.. but I think... with never fixing all our little issues.. we just let ourselves keep building up this big lie... And the only truth and honesty in it, were the emotions.. OK.. I told Annie we could go to subway... so... I guess we are heading out. and I need to finish this when I get back.. and I will.. cuz... it makes sense to me. for once.

So.. i havent written in here in forever.. since there really hasnt been a need too.... but a lot has changed.... well.. no nothing has really changed.... but.. er.. idk..
I know people say not to regret things... but... I dont think I've ever hurt someone or let someone down like i did her.. and that REALLY REALLY upsets me... and its funny.. I Looked in her profile today.... the concert... i wanted to buy her tickets too.. SHES ALREADY FUCKIN GOING. !?!?!?!?!?!? Like seriously... i thought i could pull it off... cuz its in boston.. but oh no.. shes already all set. I prob couldnt have anyway... cuz she wont talk to me so how could i get that set for her??

And its not a whole.. "try to buy her back into my life" I just really want her happy. and i know shed love to go to that.. obviously cuz shes going.. and its right around her birthday.... omg. . i just really cant believe shes going to that.
i feel asleep thinking about a lot of diff things.. and she was one of them.. which is funny cuz i can remember a couple of dreams.. and one dream was that we were fine.. i always do stupid shit like that. I go to a happy land, or to the old reality.. but thats ok, cuz then i woke up and remembered it'll probably never work. and ill continue life knowing Im a huge jackass and i could never make it up to her. but.. perhaps there is nothing to make up.. idk. i just really wanna know shes doing ok...
idk how many times we've tried being friends again.. and nothing is happening.. idk if im supposed to just jump back on the boat.. but uh hello... i hurt her... its not that im not putting effort in.. but.. she pretty much has control of what happens. i mean i can refuse things.. well she doesnt have control... she has to start things.... unless it has to do with something in general, like softball games, she needs to start it. i stopped that day by the ball fields.. prob a super bad idea since she doesnt talk to me at agames. but.. that was my shot.. super duper awkward... but. I mean, i go to softball games, not just for her, not at all. but i mean, i do enjoy watching her play like last year. whatever.. i can'tdeal with this now...
All I truly want, is to know shes ok, and happy. And if she wanted me to walk away.... I would... which.... I dont think she does... but I can just sit waiting forever. but.... i do wanna know shes alright... :-\ I really never realized how much i cared about her. Im so glad i never had any real younger siblings, hahaha. cuz thats pretty much what she was.. my lil sister... and she always will be.:-\ Whether we never speak again i know ill never forget her.
I have now, even after all the stupid games, and the whole controlling softball games shit... its weird... cuz i rank her.. with like... chels, kristy, em, ash.... who were/are my best friends... yet look at her and i?? Not quite the definition of best friends.. or friends at all... but i guess in a way we are.. cuz im sticking thru to make sure shes ok. idk if it will lead to a friendship.. but..
and i have a feeling she is doing pretty good.. summers coming.. and.. idk. sometimes i feel like i created all her problems.. but... i think her and I have changed a lot.. and if we ever do try to be friends again, i think we will see a change for the better.. cuz i dont feed off the negativity anymore.. and that seemed to be our downfall, but, im much more grown up and know how to handle certain issues i should have dealt with better last year... but.. i tend to be the type to learn by experiences.. and i feel bad she had to also...:-\ ok blah blah balh.. same shit different day, same emotions everyday, but no change. so, im done with my lil rant.
ok i lied.. i need to put in one more thing... maybes its not just that i need to know shes alright... i do put her on the same level with kristy, chels, em, ash... and i dont think anyone knows how big a deal that is... especially since i didnt realize it til she was gone... so i kinda dont wanna just know shes alright. it would be nice to have the friendship back. cuz i loved all those people and would do anything for them.. and i did lose some of those friendships too.... and i dont wanna lose this one. I dont. and i dont know what i need to do to prove to her i've changed and i wanna be friends again... cuz sometimes i really wonder if shes better of without me... and yes. I say yes.. the old me. cuz when i look back at saved convos... er. i was dumb.
and yah hindsight is 20/20.. and ive realized everything now... ive had how many months??? and when i went to her mother in Jan... that helped me realize a lot. and I really appreciated melissa talking to me.. i mean she didnt really tell me anything that she wasnt supposed to... she just.. made it reality. told me how much i hurt her.. how shed been doing.. how much shed cried cuz everyone sucked... and i trust melissa when she says to give her daughter time.. but ... i just wish during that time i had a way of knowing she was doing ok.. and i wish... idk.. i dont regret this happening.. cuz i think if we do become friends again ill be a better friend.. but.. why'd i have to put her thru so much?
my lovely mother says her and i are even now... its kinda funny.. cuz shes done some pretty bad shit to me.. hwen i think back to it.. and i obviously knew all along how important she was.. cuz i kept going back. When I thought i was gonna spend my birthday in a nice striped suit.. i thought id never talk to her again... but.. i went back.. cuz i know shes on the level of, "do everything and anything to make sure they are happy" which is why ive been so insane.. cuz i cant. anything i do right now... is.. "buying her" ... shrugs. i may have every emotion and every thought squared away in my head... but now its just filled with questions about the future... if there is one...
ok.. i feel really good now.. i had to get that whole thing out.. i really hadnt thought about it in a couple of days.. and i had been mad about her telling people she controlled when i went to games, ah.. no. hahah. sighs.. but now i must go worry about losing someone else... cuz i lost him once.. and i cant again...

it's gotta be me.. i dont realize how much i need someone til i lose them.. always... to be honest.. i really didnt think it would hurt this much wehn she was gone... but then again.. it was a bad ending to the friendhsip..
but... yah, shes up in the top 5... of friends. ill admit it! and shes on my special shelf above my bed. the lil moose and a pic she gave me... and a couple other things. like... the birthday card that said no matter what i say ill always need you...:-\:-\ Ok.. yah that kinda made me cry.. cuz im a asshole
ok i need to clean now:-\:'( and try to get a hold of... my future.. hhaha.