It makes me laugh how I type my super long entries saying how Im over.. but if I was over why would I be writing entries.. if I was over it why would I be doing this right now?? But Im over it ever being a reality again. Im glad it happened and I think about it a lot.. but at the same time Im done dwelling, wishing it could happen again. I should be happy things worked out as well as they did. From the very beginning things were never easy. We were always in trouble with one another or adults... And I truly dont know what I ever expected out of befriending someone a half a decade younger than me.. who clearly has some issues in her life(which ya I have a fair share too) but what was I thinking would really amount out of it? I mean ya in the beginning I definitely wanted to help her.. but why didnt I ever realize you can't save those who dont want to be saved.. and I'd say she either falls in that category or just can't be saved... oh wait.. thats right.. Amy saved her by pulling her from school and sports.. I wonder if brit ever looks back on things even a few months ago to see how drastically different... She probably could have gone to any college she wanted.. either with an academic scholarship or athletic... Not saying that everyone needs to go..
UGH.. see this is my issue.. Im over her in my life.. but I still want her to live the best she can.. and I dunno.. I dont see staying at amys the best she can do thats all I guess.. And Im not saying being with me was the best. Maybe a year ago.. yes I would have said that. But I can't be hwat she wants.. but I dont see how she is happy right now.. I truly hope Amy cares for her and loves her and stands by her forever now.. cuz Brit gave up everything for her.. Whether she believes it or not things will never be the same with her and her family again.. they were abandoned by her.. lied to, stolen from... ha. Blood thicker than water?? ha. Whatever tho. this is what I need to work on now.. But its still.. its just a waste of mind space for me.. I dont check up on her anymore.. I blocked her on aim. I dont ever call her obviously.. I used to message her now and again.. Im done with that. If I knew how to delete friends on myspace I would probably delete her.. but I dont want her getting sour towards me cuz SHE left ME. haha. Im done with her, well wait. im TOTALLY done with us.. and Im done with her, but still wonder. Even though she was younger than me.. I at times looked up to her.. cuz she seemed to be very smart with a good head on her shoulders.. but now i see otherwise haha. But anyways.. I dunno.. I enjoyed watching her grow up, cuz I always knew she would be someone great. Who made a difference and touched everyone who crossed her path.. which.. This is all true.. I just should have thrown in makes a positive not destructive difference and doesnt make people regret crossing her path.. ha. Thats the stage she is at in my head right now. I just hope some day when I hear the name.. Brittany Marie Hilton, it will be her, and she will be doing something great for herself and others.. I dont wanna read it in the obituaries anytime soon. I mean I hate what she did to me.. but I dont hate her.. I dont blame her I guess we both abandoned eachother in her eyes... But Rumford could have worked for us real well.. it was too far? Mt Vernon? fuckin portland?? Im close compared to that.. and now Im in Wayne.. I dunno.. I just know if she wanted it to work out it could have.. it always did in the past..
I hope she doesn't think this is another break for us.. Im done.. I fuckin miss it like crazy.. but Im done.. And hopefully someday I will find someone just as great as I thought she was.. who makes me feel even better than she did.. It kinda makes me laugh to think about how long I mourned over her.. over it.. not that I should be out looking.. but not mourning.. ugh I dunno. I have had to slip on my big girl pants pretty quick.. and I just get a lot of shit i didnt lastyear.. Im accepting that people dont last in our lives.. its the self-destructive society we have created.. instead of long lasting friendships.. now divorce and shit is an easy way out.. I mean look at the divorce rates.. look at surveys from childhood friends.. there are people only 5-7yrs older than me who all their friends they have known since they were in preschool.. most kids my age can't say that.. as they go through life transitions so do their friends.. well why now? How come my parents have had friends their whole lives and most now change with seasons? This just is not the society I wanna belong to. I wanna meet someone.. get to know them and continue knowing them forever. i dunno. Tahts ok tho cuz Brit is meant for the society today.. she is fast paced and deattached.. She is lucky. Anyways.. bank is getting busy.. i should prob make sure they are all set out front.
Tata... hahahaha.
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