Holy Jeez

So I have just spent the last few hours here at work at the bank.. and we have been pretty dead so I have been looking through this journal... and I would just say that I am fucked.. I have loved this girl since... well since before I even realized it.. I started this journal back in 2005.. It's not 2008 and look at me writing in it. I would write in it more when we were not talking than when we were. All very negative. Im fucking. fucked up or something. I can't even like.. believe some of the shit I wrote. I can't believe how things used to be. I have forgotten about so much. A few entries made me cry.. like the letter she wrote me. When her and cort were fighting with me.. but I put the email in there about how she loved me and looked up to me. How she thought I was perfect... and here we are today.. Im probably her biggest enemy. Not that it matters cuz we are really nothing to one another... which I truly must ask myself... Am I going to be able to deal with that.. When I first met her I easily "ditched" her for others.. but these past years I ditched everyone for her. Even before july 06. I dont truly know if I am completely capable of.. I dont even know what I want to do. At this point I feel like I can live without her. I am less happy at this time since I have not found someone as great as her. But I believe I can.. but there is still..  I want to break all ties with her... So we can both live on peacefully.. Cuz at this point.. if I saw her again.. I honestly do not know what I would do.. I dont feel obligated to help her anymore which almost makes my hatred and anger overrule my love and caring... I almost feel like if I saw her again Id just.. er. Like beat her ass.. haha but then again another part of me would just turn around and go as far away as possible.. but that I would also love to just walk up to her and pick up where we left off. I KNOW that wont happen cuz the other 2 overrule it. Im sure Id just turn around and.. ha WALK AWAY.

It's funny cuz I always thought that I would have a huge issue walking away... but she has made it so easy.. and its a part of me i can't control.. that cant control itself.. kind of. Like I dont make my stomach go crazy when I see her. and things like that. Phsyiologically maybe it is.. those reactions to her. But Im just amazed as how things have worked out. I feel like maybe I always said I'd never walk away cuz I didnt think I was capable. But I know now I am.. and ya still I never wanted to.. but.. honestly.... who walked away??
Id say we are split pretty even with the wrongs to eachother.. When I've driven you away, or you've just forgot about me..  I prided myself on something I did for you but you couldn't do for me.. that does not seem fair. All you worried about was someone sticking around.. yet you would make me go away? So what the fuck are you really looking for? I stuck around.. through it all.. I gave you everything.. I gave you me.. and yet you walked away anyways.. Apparently our plans were not good enough? Or maybe you want someone to stick around cuz you fuckin cant. Oh well. I dont care anymore.. I Just... wish she would realize that she caused this.. ALL of this.. the shit going on with her family.. was all this really worth it?? Amy didn't give you a life.. she destroyed it.. and Im not saying this cuz you chose her.. but at least when we hung out you were attending school.. you were playing sports... She took you from everything that made you.. you.. So it makes sense that your depressed and tweakin.. it must suck to sacrifice yourself.. EVERYTHING about yourself.. just to be unhappy.. but hey.. I know how you feel. Remember May? When you led me on.. I did everything you asked and threw it all back in my face??? What have I fuckin done to deserve this? But you nkow what.. I dont even look at it that way. This was all a blessing in disguise.. Cuz No one will ever win with you. Your are self destructive and manipulative.. and those who try to save you go down with you. Like I did time and time again. Well not this time. not ever again. once you get something you destroy it.. which is why amy will work great for you cuz you dont have to put in much effort to destroy anything since she did it for you. I just feel bad for those hurt along the way... Like kels and kris... poor girls. Crying every fuckin night cuz of their self destructive sister..

i really do hope things dont end badly. Im not saying i want brit to die. Not at all. She has a good head and heart but decides not to use it i guess. When I knew her.. ya she had down moments.. but she didnt jump out any windows and shit like that.. the closer she is to her true self the better she always was.. obviously.. for anybody.. wanna know why she is out of control right now...? she is not a fuckin 34 year old druggie hippie... shes a 17 year old intelligent beautiful athlete... she may love art.. but she doesnt need to skip school for it.. and ya this is my opinion on the matter.. but i am going to school for this shit and in rereading this journal i have realized yet again her and i are a lot alike.. we just find rewards differently... im more external and she is more internal..  which is why we worked well together cuz we gave eachother what we wanted... she wanted to be wanted.. and i wanted to want somebody.. hah.

anyways.. i dont even know what im writing about. im think im just pissed cuz my friend megan texted me last night adn told me that brit friended her.. and what the fuck was the point of that.. she met megan once.. and i dont even really know why. I htink maybe she was jealous of her or something.. but i remember i drove megan to the school JUST to meet brit.. and she already has been hanging out with kirsten.. which last time that talked brit wanted to kick her ass.. so its like.. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. leave MY friends alone.. its weird tho cuz she doesn't talk to shawn.. and well loretta is gone.. and other than that she didnt really know any of  my friends.. well all i had was her.. i shut everyone else out.. but i tweaked last night when she told em that.. i asked her not to friend her.. she asked me if she could fuck with her but i asked her not to.. brit does not need to be fucked with more... ha. and megan doesn't need to be dragged into that at all.. ha

so did i have a point with this article.. besides to empty my head some.. probably not.. just that.. I think i need to realize Ill never.. be free from brit?? maybe thats a good way to put it. But I have realized that I do not need her for anything in my life.. which is a good thing. Even though no one has compared yet.. well actually.. ha. Herb was amazing.. that was a growing love kinda thing.. more i saw him the more i wanted too.. ha. And weirdly enough Melissa has like almost topped brit. I could totally wake up next to her everydya. well before she was playing games.. and maybe if she was not married :P but.. Im not worried about comparing.. thats why I have had such an issue.. cuz everything was placed against her.. and it can't she was the first for a lot and she will always have that. But I have my life now.. Free of her. I still see her sisters some. I enjoy her family. Pretty sure that they dont always enjoy me. well mostly her mother.. but The twins I have enjoyed getting to know.. But... Im fine without her. and at this point.. We could never go back to one another in any way anywyas. too much damage. I would NEVER wanna feel that hurt again.. and I would never be able to truly love her again. Pretty much the person I loved is dead. I feel like I had to mourn a death... yet I still might see her anyday.. so weird. Anywyas.. i gotta count my drawer and such.. maybe I can get outta here earlier!!
so ya... love is definitely a bitch.. if thats even what we had..

ps... oh ya.. lucy has helped a lot.. she is amazing.. she is really like my best friend. a lil person.. and its sad cuz i bet brit woul d have really enjoyed her.. like i do. :) oh well. Im ready to move on. To find something.. may or may not be better.. but something to make me happy. :)